The Secret Keepers
by SomethingBorrowed
Summary: Harry Potter returns to Grimmauld Place and discovers letters written to him from Sirius Black, but never mailed, that shed light on Sirius’ tragic life, enduring friendship with James Potter, and complicated relationship with Remus Lupin. Canon.
1. Prologue

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_**After completing school Harry Potter returns to Grimmauld Place and discovers letters written to him from Sirius Black, but never mailed. These letters shed light on Sirius' short, tragic life, including the Black family history, his time at Hogwarts, the early years of the Order, his friendship with James, and his relationship with Remus Lupin. It will also expose the secrets kept by the various characters that affect their futures. This is not a fluffy romance fic. While the main romantic storyline is slash, the story will tie into H/G and R/T as it moves forward, in keeping with the canon. The timeframe is post-Hogwarts with letters written during OOTP that take the action back to the Marauder era. **_

_I did not create these characters. I just borrowed them for my own and, I hope, your pleasure._

* * *

**PROLOGUE: October 30, 1981**

"Is anything wrong?" he asked as I slid out from under the sheet and placed my feet on the floor.

"What makes you say that?" I replied, feigning ignorance. I didn't want to look at him, so I scanned the floor for my clothes.

"You just seem different. Usually you're…" he paused and I looked over to see him shrug, "softer, gentle."

I gave him a lascivious smile. "You didn't seem to mind."

"No," he admitted and lay back against the pillows. "It was just different for us. That's all I'm saying."

I turned away again and picked up my jeans. "James knows," I said softly, intending to catch him off guard with this statement by leaving its meaning purposefully vague. I turned towards him to see if his face would betray my worst fear and mark him as the traitor. Instead, he remained in his relaxed position, a ghost of a smile on his lips as if remembering what had so recently passed between us.

"James knows what?" He caught my eye then and with a wave of my hand I indicated him, me, the bed. "No!" he gasped, sitting up now with a look of shocked panic on his face. "Did you TELL him?" His voice was raised and his eyes were blazing.

"No," I kept my voice was quiet and level. "He figured it out. Or rather, Lily did, but she got James to see it. I guess at their wedding we had had too much to drink and let our guard down." I recalled the wedding and how happy we all were then. In the midst of that evening, during the dancing, the drinking, and the feasting, my alcohol fueled confidence allowed me to believe that our lingering touches, meaningful smiles, and long gazes would go unnoticed by our friends.

I began to dress and continued, hoping that my conversation would draw out what I needed to know. "We were talking about the Secret Keeper business and he said something about you and I being especially close. Just the way he said it and the way he sort of blushed, I could tell that he knew. He's been my best friend since our first year at school and I can read him pretty well, so it was easy to guess what he was thinking. I figured that we need to be honest with each other, especially now, so I looked him in the eye and said 'You mean, because he shares my bed?' James nodded and looked at the ground. I could tell he was embarrassed, but probably more because he'd be keeping his knowledge from me, rather than embarrassed about what we're doing. Then he told me 'I'm happy for you. I really am. You deserve someone to love. Both of you do.' I could tell he was sincere. Thankfully, he didn't ask for details, but he was curious as to how long this has been going on."

"Incredible," he exclaimed. His panicked expression was gone, replaced by one of happy disbelief. "I've always worried about being found out by our friends, but I never imagined James would react with such calm acceptance. I guess that'll make things easier. At least I won't always have to watch what I say when I'm around them." He pushed back the bedclothes and had begun to leave the bed when I stopped him.

"Or will it make things harder?" I sat down on the bed to explain. "I mean, in keeping this a secret, we've never had to face what it really is or how the rest of the world sees this. We treat our need for each other like it's something out of our control. We go from one secret interlude to the next and pretend what ultimately happens is unexpected. Listen to me! I can't even say the words! When we let other people into our secret, things will change. We'll be admitting that this is what we want to be doing and we're with the one we want to be with. I'm not sure we're ready to do that."

Our eyes met and he looked away sadly. I had spoken a truth that he didn't want to face – neither of us did. "I'd use words," he murmured, "I just don't know if they exist." I nodded. I had long ago stopped trying to understand what it was we shared.

As we sat there silently, I watched his face. I could see that he was contemplating what I had said, wondering if we wanted to accept this reality or if we still wanted the option to pursue what James and Lily had. Or maybe we already had that. If he were indeed betraying us, then it was a choice that neither of us would have to make. Sitting naked next to me, he looked so vulnerable and I began to doubt the suspicions of which I had once been so sure. Perhaps he wasn't the spy after all. He certainly did not react in any of the ways I expected him to had he been so. The silence became uncomfortable for me and I changed the subject. "So, full moon this week? Are you feeling up to traveling?"

"Yes," He said, relieved to move on to happier, normal topics. "Where would you like to go?"

"Let's go somewhere on the coast. I feel the need to run on the rocks and hear the sounds of the ocean. These past few weeks have been very stressful and the idea of watching waves crash has great appeal. Besides, we'll be safely away from people, if we choose the right place."

"Stress – Is that your excuse for before?" He asked with a sly grin.

"A few days away," I replied, grinning back, "and I'll be as gentle as a puppy."

We made plans that he would leave soon, since he was not yet feeling the pull of the moon, and I would meet him on November first. But I never made it. In those forty-eight hours James and Lily were murdered, Harry was exiled to live with his aunt, Peter had escaped, and I had been taken away to Azkaban. The irony that I was condemned to spend the rest of my life hearing the sound of the ocean pounding on the rocks below was not lost on me, as I'm sure he realized too.

On that last day we were together I had gone to him planning to expose his treachery. I tried to resist my desire for him and, when I could not, I was rough with him, trying to hurt him for my wanting him so much. The memory that my last touch was not tender and loving was the punishment for my loss of faith in him and my inability to tell him that which I had known for a long time. As I entered the prison that would become my home, I saw the full moon reflecting on the water and thought of Remus so far away along the shore of the same ocean. Was he safe all alone? Was he wondering why I hadn't been there to meet him? Did we even kiss goodbye that last time? I looked up at the moon and howled.


	2. Chapter 1 Walking in Your Landscape

_A/N - This story examines the various secrets kept by all of its characters that have profoundly affected the events in their lives and Harry's. I didn't create these characters, nor their situations. I've only borrowed them._

**Chapter 1: Walking in Your Landscape**

Number twelve, Grimmauld Place had changed very little in the two years since Harry Potter had been there. It was as dark and gloomy as ever. Every surface was covered in dust and cobwebs. The only discernable difference was that Death Eaters had knocked over all the furniture, creating an even greater sense of disarray. During the month that he, Ron, and Hermione had lived there, Kreacher had brought the place to a livable level of cleanliness; however, in the time that had elapsed since then, the house had reverted to its previous level of dirt and decay. Harry sighed as the light from his wand illuminated the snake's head banister and the house elf skulls that lined the stairwell. The task ahead was overwhelming.

Harry and Ron would soon be entering into the Auror training program in the Ministry of Magic. Harry decided that because of its spaciousness and London location, Grimmauld Place was the logical place for them to reside. Harry would miss the Burrow and its controlled chaos, but Grimmauld Place belonged to him and had been his since Sirius' death. It seemed as if now was an appropriate time to claim the space, if for no other reason than Sirius wanted him to have it.

Before Ron arrived, Harry wanted to spend some time alone in the house. The house did not hold happy memories for him, as it hadn't for Sirius. Ron had offered to assist him with the cleaning and had suggested that Harry call upon Kreacher to do the bulk of the work, but Harry felt it was job he needed to do alone. However, standing in the dusty, bleak hallway, Harry wondered if he had been overly ambitious in his goal to make the house something other than it was – an ancient crumbling former home of Dark Wizards.

Harry walked through the rooms one by one, careful to be silent as he passed the portrait of Mrs. Black. He reasoned that making the kitchen, drawing room, and two bedrooms fit for human inhabitation would be decent start. If he had extra time he would start on the hallway and stairwell. He continued touring the house, walking up the stairs to the top floor where the two bedrooms once occupied by Sirius and Regulus were located. Harry had decided that he would like to stay in Sirius' former room. He hoped it would bring him closer to his godfather, who died before they had ever really spent time together.

Harry entered Sirius' bedroom, sat down on the bed and looked around the room. With a flick of his wand he opened the curtains and let the summer daylight illuminate the dust particles floating in the still air. The room was large and still held remnants of Sirius' younger self. Harry remembered that the photos of motorcycles and bikini clad women were all held in place with permanent sticking charms, but he could live with that – at least until Ginny found out. The room held a large bookcase and, somewhat miraculously, its contents had remained relatively undisturbed. Harry walked over and began looking at the books one by one. They were old and the parchment was worn and brittle. Harry looked through school books, motorcycle repair manuals, some fiction involving hit wizards and dragons, and even came across an earlier edition of the book Ron had given to him on his seventeenth birthday. He wondered if it had been his dad who had given it to Sirius. Most intriguing was a small portfolio containing a stack of blank pages.

As he flipped through the blank pages, Harry suspected they were letters enchanted so that only the addressee could read them. This was often done with love notes so that private sentiments could not be intercepted by others. It was similar to the enchantment used on the Marauders Map. He wondered if Sirius had had a girlfriend with whom he had shared such private thoughts. If he had, there was no evidence of her in any photos. The only photos of Sirius Harry had ever seen were those in which Sirius was accompanied by Harry's father, mother, Remus Lupin or Peter Pettigrew. Perhaps his heart had been broken and he had destroyed the photos documenting lost love.

Another thought struck Harry then. It was also likely that these letters were correspondence between Sirius and James detailing their plans for creative mischief. Over the years, when people spoke to Harry of James and Sirius they would tell him of their close friendship and their penchant creating mayhem wherever they went. Harry ran his fingers over the parchment and remarked that it didn't feel as old as that of the books in that shelf. As he went to put the pages back into the portfolio an idea came to him: since he owned this house and all of its contents, then perhaps the enchantments would lift for him. If the pages were indeed love notes, then he would put them away out of respect for Sirius' privacy. But if they were from his dad, Harry felt that Sirius wouldn't have minded letting Harry read them.

Harry's hand trembled as he reached for his wand. "Revelio," he said as he touched the parchment with his wand. Nothing happened. "I am Harry Potter, sole heir of Sirius Black. Revelio!" Harry said, more forcefully. Slowly ink began to appear on the pages and letters arranged themselves into words - words in Sirius' distinctive handwriting. Harry's excitement turned into disbelief as he read the first sentence: _Dear Harry_.

Harry felt his legs weaken and he dropped down onto the dirty carpet. He continued reading:

"It was great seeing you in the fire today and reminiscing about the past. I'm sorry you had to see the crueler side of your father's jokes, but I assure you it wasn't always like that. Still, it occurs to me that I haven't had the chance to tell you all the stories from the years I spent together with James. Sharing these memories with you in my letters, even if it is not yet safe to send them, has given me a new purpose and I need that. I spend far too much time bored and alone, especially when Remus is away on business for the Order, and berating my house elf has lost its enjoyment.

"While in Azkaban, I hid my happy memories deep in my mind so that the Dementors could not take them from me and even now I find that they are still very hard to reach. Since leaving the prison, I have only once before visited those memories and it was overwhelming. For your sake, as well as mine, I need to try again.

"After you rescued me with Buckbeak, I had intended to fly as far away as possible, but the reckless youth still inside me brought me to Remus instead. When I found him, there was so much to say, so many things that I had rehearsed over the years, yet I when I opened my mouth to speak, I was only able to whisper 'Moony.' In that instant a torrent of hidden memories poured into my vision like waves breaking through a dam.

"I saw an 11 year old James laughing so hard that juice squirted out his nose, causing Remus and Peter to spit out their juice simultaneously and the four of us collapsed in hysterical laughter. I felt the elation of my first Quidditch win when I flew round and around on my broom in celebration. I remembered the time when, in a rare moment of family togetherness, my father took Regulus and me to the Quidditch World Cup, where we sat with James and your grandfather and I marveled at how good it felt to be a regular kid. I smelled the mingled, sweet scents of all the girls I had ever held close and shivered at the memory of their fingers running through the tangle of my hair. I heard James singing out-of-tune reggae songs the first time we got pissed on Firewhiskey, while Peter retched in the same rhythm, and Remus and I laughed at that strange, obscene coincidence. I felt the butterflies that flew furiously around my stomach when, on my sixteenth birthday, Rosmerta brought me to her bedroom, shut the door behind her, and began unbuttoning her robe. I saw James' self-satisfied smile on the day after he first spent the night with Lily and remembered how genuinely happy I was for him. I felt the quiver of Remus' lips the first time we kissed and smelled the earthy dampness that was in the air the night we made love under the beech tree. And I remembered the soft weight of my godchild when I held you in front of the vicar at the Godric's Hollow church.

"Finally, I recalled the last time I saw James. Lily had brought Peter into the house to wait for the Fidelius charm to be cast, while James and I lingered in the foyer to say goodbye. 'I'll do everything I can for Harry. Trust me,' I told him.

"James nodded, 'I trust you. I just wish I could join you. I just feel so helpless.'

'No,' I said firmly. 'We need you here to protect him. That's the most helpful thing you can do.' We hugged then, conveying so many unspoken sentiments in our embrace. When we broke apart, I saw that his eyes shining with tears behind his glasses. I hesitated hoping for something more to say, but everything had already been said. Wordlessly, I turned away, prepared to find the spy, prepared to face Voldemort, and prepared to die for the cause in which we both believed. I knew his tears were his silent realization that I loved him enough to risk my life to save you, as he eventually did, and I will always be willing to do. I did not look back, but I felt his eyes upon me as I walked away, hiding tears of my own.

"I realized then that I was still standing in front of Remus. I had shut my eyes as much to block the images that flooded towards me as to hold back the tears I felt forming there. I could feel that he was now standing close to me. His breaths were deep and heavy, and I believed that one would have the force to push me away. But he moved closer and I continued to stand. The proximity of his body to mine warmed the chill of the flat. 'Moony,' I whispered again, opening my eyes to look into his. 'Remus, I just need to know if…' I couldn't continue. Remus placed his hands on my shoulders then and, although his fingers were like ice as they slipped under my robe, I melted into his touch.

'Always,' he replied, drawing me closer. 'Always.'

"I stayed with him until just before dawn. We spoke very little, using the brief hours to revisit the once familiar landscape of the other. I felt stronger having been with him and my memories, the painful and the beautiful, returned into the deep recesses of my mind. Until today when you spoke to me from the fire and I chose to bring them back."

_(A/N: The books in the bookcase that are undisturbed is a mystery solved in a later chapter.)_


	3. Chapter 2 Lovers Breathe Desire

_**After completing school Harry Potter returns to Grimmauld Place and discovers letters written to him from Sirius Black, but never mailed. These letters shed light on Sirius' short, tragic life, including the Black family history, his time at Hogwarts, the early years of the Order, his friendship with James, and his relationship with Remus Lupin. It will also expose the secrets kept by the various characters that affect their futures. This is not a fluffy romance fic. While the main romantic storyline is slash, the story will tie into H/G and R/T as it moves forward, in keeping with the canon. The timeframe is post-Hogwarts with letters written during OOTP that take the action back to the Marauder era. **_

_It goes without saying that I am just borrowing these characters!_

**2. Lovers Breathe Desire**

Harry stared at the pages before him. He saw that the next page began _"I actually met James before we started Hogwarts_." While he was anxious to continue, Harry found himself unable to move beyond the emotions and questions that were circling around his mind. Sirius had been prepared to die for him and had written those words without knowing that was how his life would indeed end. Those words brought back the pain that was still so raw within him.

And then there were the revelations about Sirius and Remus. How had he not known? Was this another important fact about his life that, in an effort to protect him, everyone chose to keep hidden? Or had he misunderstood what he had just read? Harry carefully reviewed Sirius' memories one by one and his recounting of his meeting with Remus. The implication was very clear.

He thought back to his fifth year when he had spent a portion of his summer holiday and his Christmas holiday at Grimmauld Place. It was true that Remus had been living there with Sirius, but he could not recall any hint of a relationship other than friendship. He remember that Sirius and Remus were very comfortable with each other. He also remembered Lupin supporting Sirius in his decision to tell Harry about the Order, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Weasley. He knew that Sirius and Remus had shared a bedroom, but at the time he had thought it a necessity due to the crowd of people residing there. He looked around the bedroom he was now in, searching for signs. There was only one bed.

He remembered how warm Remus had seemed that year. Warm, the way he was when he had been Harry's teacher. Harry remembered how Remus had comforted Mrs. Weasley when she was upset about Percy and how he had volunteered himself and Sirius to care for Ginny and Ron if anything should happen to their parents. He mentally compared this Remus to the Remus who had been so cold to Tonks just two years later. And what did this revelation say about that marriage? What did it mean to his godson, Teddy? The more he thought the more numerous his questions became. Harry felt the sudden urge to talk to someone - someone who could perhaps help him to understand.

* * *

"Well Harry, it's always nice to see you, but this is quite a surprise," Bill said, his scarred face showing both concern and curiosity as he ushered Harry into the house.

"I'm sorry," apologized Harry, who was still recovering from the shock of apparating outside Shell Cottage to the sight of Fleur in a bikini, sunbathing on a lawn chair, her large, pregnant belly protruding in front of her. The combination of her ethereal beauty and ripe femininity took Harry so off guard, he had trouble remembering his task. "I have something I need to talk to you privately about." Harry knew he was blushing, uncomfortable about what he had to say, as well as from the sight of Fleur.

"Is it Ginny?" Bill asked, closing the door and motioning Harry into a chair in the sitting room. His voice was low and businesslike.

"No," Harry said, confused. "Why?"

Bill relaxed, "I thought you were here to tell me she was pregnant or something like that and I would have had to kill you." Bill chuckled, but Harry knew he was only half-joking. "Anyhow, that's good, so what's on your mind?"

Harry again turned red trying to banish the vision of Ginny with Fleur's swollen figure from his mind. "Erm, no, ah, nothing like that. Bill, you knew Lupin well didn't you?"

"Fairly well, I think," Bill was thoughtful, trying to recall. "We spent a great deal of time together when we worked for the Order and he helped me a lot after my accident. He was a good person, but he was private. He didn't share too much with others. Why?"

Harry braced himself for the next question. "Did you ever get the impression that he and Sirius…" He tried to think of the right way to ask without giving Bill too much information, just in case he was wrong or Bill had no idea.

His pause went on too long and Bill finished his thought. "They were lovers." It was more of a statement than a question.

"It's true?" Harry asked, suddenly relieved that this conversation would be easier than he may have thought. "Did he tell you?"

"No, Lupin never told me, Harry, but I suspected. I don't think anyone knew."

"What made you suspect?"

"Well," Bill breathed out as if letting go of a long held secret, "when I was young, 9 or 10, Dad took Charlie, Percy, and me to an Order meeting. He did that some time. Mum was at home busy with the twins and Ron, so she used to ask him to get us out and amuse us. Dad wasn't in the Order then, but he was sympathetic to the cause and wanted to give them any information he had. I'm not sure Mum knew where we went or if she approved, since she would have likely seen some danger in it.

"But anyway, there we were trying to stay out of everyone's way, so we began a game of hide and seek. It was my turn to hide so I snuck into a room and I saw two men embracing. Before you tell me that that doesn't mean anything, even as I kid I knew I wasn't watching two friends saying goodbye or congratulating each other. It was different. Their arms were around each other and they were standing so, so close. It was that moment when you pull back from a kiss and you hold for a minute to breathe in your lover one more time. Their desire was palpable. It was the most intimate moment I had ever witnessed up to that point. And, because they were both men, it was a little confusing. It's important to point out that I didn't know who they were or their names, Dad hadn't introduced us, so all those years later I'm sure they didn't know it was me who saw them."

"They knew a kid was there?" Harry asked.

"As soon as they did they broke apart. I remember Lupin looked guilty, but tried to act normal and make conversation with me. He seemed to like kids. Sirius looked guilty, but defiant. I'd see those looks again and again when I was a prefect and caught students doing things they weren't supposed to be doing, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, once they noticed me, I told them I was hiding and they left the room. When we met up at Grimmauld Place years later, I recognized them and remembered the incident. I didn't say anything, obviously."

"Did you think that they were lovers then, at Grimmauld Place?"

"There were signs, but I may not have noticed if I hadn't already suspected. Sirius would light up whenever Remus arrived. They stood close to each other when there was plenty of room to spread out. They were affectionate and considerate to each other in a way that people in love are. All in all, they were discreet. I was also dating Fleur at the time and more in tune to signs of love than most people. The Order members did have more important things on their minds other than who anyone was sleeping with, and I didn't pry."

"They shared a bedroom," Harry pointed out, feeling the need to add something, "and probably a bed."

"Probably. Look Harry, it's important to remember that, whatever your feeling is about their relationship, Sirius loved you and this new knowledge doesn't change that, or anything that he stood for. It's my philosophy that what two adults do in their home, or" Bill smiled as if at a happy memory, "in the privacy of a bank vault is no one's business."

"A little too much information," Harry tried to joke, but soon he was serious again. "So what about Tonks? Do you think Remus loved her?"

"I don't know. I know he was reluctant to marry her. She really loved him, that was obvious, but he was always more reserved. At the time we were all so shaken by Dumbledore's death and the bleakness of our future, people were inclined to try to find a little happiness wherever possible. Maybe they made each other happy." Bill shrugged, "You can do the math and see that Teddy was born only nine months after they married. I'd like to think they were happy at their wedding, maybe even in love, at least I want to believe that for Teddy's sake."

Harry nodded and remembered something Remus had told him: _"I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since."_


	4. Chapter 3 Sons of Gemini

_A/N: A little narrative before we return to more dialogue and action. _

_I don't claim to own HP- Just borrowing him and his friends. _

**3. Sons of Gemini**

After saying goodbye to Bill and politely stuttering a decline to Fleur's invitation to "feeel the leetle one keek," Harry returned to Sirius' room and began to read the next letter.

* * *

Dear Harry:

I actually met James before we started at Hogwarts. We were with our mothers, shopping for school supplies in Diagon Alley. The fact that my mother spoke to someone I didn't already know was pretty shocking to me. We Blacks always stayed with our own kind, as the family used to say, meaning dark wizards. _Toujours Pur_ was more than a family motto, it was a way of life, and while I'll bet many of their circle were not as pure as they claimed to be, having any Muggle blood was the reason my mother avoided most people.

Your grandmother, Edmaya Potter was well-known to be a pure blood. She was rumored to be an ancestor of the Peverell family, one of the few families who could consider themselves most ancient and noble as ours did. However, unlike the Blacks, the Potters were never associated with the Dark Arts. Your grandfather served in a high rank at the Ministry and was well respected by all wizards. But it was the Potter's pure blood that interested my mother that day.

You see, because of their obsession with purity, my family had intermarried a little too often for their own good. My parents were cousins who shared the same surname even before marriage. While it is not obvious on the family tree, Mother's brother also married a cousin and they were the parents of my 3 cousins Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Andromeda. Healers and Dark Arts practitioners alike had told my parents, aunt, and uncle that this was the end of the line for Blacks marrying Blacks. So like the vampires with whom my parents occasionally socialized, my mother was in search of fresh blood. Fresh, pure blooded witches and wizards who could potentially marry into the family and ensure that the Black line would continue. My brother and I were still too young to have even considered how we would eventually reproduce, but my cousins were young women and I could tell that among our parents, the issue was growing in urgency.

My mother was friendly and solicitous when she greeted Edmaya. Mrs. Potter knew my mother's name and addressed her graciously. I immediately noticed James. While Mrs. Potter was older than most mothers of boys our age and had a stately, well-dressed appearance, James had a mischievous smile and messy hair. He looked as if he felt like I did – excited to be in Diagon Alley, but bored having to share the experience with an adult. Eventually we wandered away from the ladies and over to the Quidditch shop.

Mrs. Potter spent much time being friendly to my mother, naming pure blood male relatives who might have been interested in the Black sisters, as they were called at the time. Thankfully for both James and you, nothing ever came of it. But in any case, she was a kind person who was polite to everyone and she adored her son. She looked upon him as if he were the most precious and amusing thing in the world. And, to your grandparents, he was. In fact, to many people he was. I had never experienced that type of love or adoration from a parent. For most of my life I was treated like an heir, rather than a son. My job was to carry on the family name to future generations; and you can see how well I've done with that! I suppose my current romantic situation would have really gotten me removed from the family tree, if they hadn't already done so when I was sixteen.

We had a great time that day, upsetting our mothers with our unruly behavior. While I knew I'd return home to punishments for my disobedience, I had the feeling that James would get a good natured scolding, with a half-hearted request to behave better in the future.

James was a child like none I had ever met. He was kind, but loved to tease. He was clever, but got more detentions than any other student besides me. Everyone who met James wanted to be his friend and I felt honored because I was his best friend. He was athletic, caring, and loyal. He always defended his friends, no matter what types of stupid things they did. And with your mother, once he decided he liked her, he never even looked at another girl. I know she's the only one he'd ever slept with. He was honest about everything, so you can be sure that's the truth.

I, on the other hand, was nothing like James. At school, many teachers remarked that we were so much alike, but in fact we were very different. I was a rebellious child for as long as I can remember. Irritating people, especially my parents, made me happy. I could be cruel, sullen, and distrustful. Whereas I broke rules as a way of defying authority, James did it because life was too good and big and beautiful to be left unexplored. We were two parts of the same whole. James was everything good and bright who saw the best in everyone, but inside me was a hard, dark core- the evil soul of the Black family, which I believed I would never be able to lose. I credit James with changing me from who I could have been to who I am.

After meeting that first time, we met again on the Hogwarts Express and sat together. That was the first time we tortured Snape and we bonded over the experience. I remember feeling sad that we would most likely be sorted into different houses. After all, Blacks had always been placed in Slytherin and the Potters had a long tradition in Gryffindor. When it came my turn to be sorted I thought "Please let me be with James."

The hat mused on that for awhile and finally said, "Yes, you are different than your forbearers. You have the qualities of bravery that will take you further than your qualities of cunning. It won't be easy for you, but I gather you don't like things that are too easy. It is done! Gryffindor!"

I was even more delighted when we were placed in the same dormitory room. We had two other roommates: a quiet boy who indulged our rowdiness, Remus; and a talkative boy who tagged along with James and me wherever we went, Peter. I thought at first that four of us would split into separate friendship groups, but James made a point to include everyone and soon we were a pack.

James brought out the best in Remus, too, helping him to develop from the quiet introvert from our first year into the prefect of our latter years. Whereas it was easy to look at Remus as quiet, studious, law-abiding, and everything that was opposite of what we were, he wasn't that simple. He had strength of character that was unique in someone so young. Living with his monthly transformations had formed him into a boy wise beyond his years; living with us encouraged him to enjoy those years. Remus did not form a close bond with Peter, as I had at first expected. I think Peter's constant striving to be just like James and me, annoyed him, but he didn't show it. He was very tolerant, which is one of the reasons we were so tolerant when we found out about him.

In James' moral values of acceptance and inclusiveness were the seeds of his death. He was big-hearted and felt there was room for everyone in the world. His desire to ensure that Muggle-borns were not excluded from the wizarding world, as Voldemort was attempting to do, put him in the sights of those who did not share his views. His sense of adventure and mischief embarrassed and outraged the Death Eaters, which made them even more anxious to seek his death and the death of his child. The idea that I was believed to have been responsible for James death, hurt me more than the punishment itself. Likewise, it is painful for me to remember much of Peter.

You may wonder why, on that day we first met, my mother felt that your grandmother would be sympathetic to her cause. I believe I solved that puzzle long ago. While your father abhorred the Dark Arts, they may have been the reason for his existence in the first place. As I said, your grandmother was older than most mothers - a lot older. That she could have a son as young as James defied biology. I know from our family history that when children didn't come naturally and healers proved ineffective, parents would often resort to dangerous potions and spells available in the apothecaries of Knockturn Alley. I believe that in her quest for a child your grandmother may have chosen this path. She would not have been the first witch to do so. This indiscretion resulting from her desperation must have been known to my mother, as she hinted at it years later in an effort to insult the Potter's integrity.

I have never believed that I was born without the help of the Dark Arts. When your parents are cousins, the fact that you didn't come into this world the old fashioned way is a relief. And in a strange, selfish way this made me feel closer to James. I knew that sharing this information with James would have upset him, so I kept it to myself, creating in my mind a closeness with him that went beyond friendship and into the very molecules of our beings. I imagined that many years ago in a dark cellar below Knockturn Alley two women sat together, their eyes closed, murmuring incantations while an old witch prepared the potion that created us - twin sons of different mothers.


	5. Chapter 4 The Weakness is Me

_A/N: Back to more dialogue. Sirius' point of view as he describes his last conversation with James. There is slash, but nothing graphic...yet. These characters were not created by me; I'm just letting them have some fun._

**4. The Weakness is Me**

Dear Harry:

I remember last summer when you were so angry because the Order was keeping things from you. I haven't liked keeping my relationship with Remus a secret. Remus feels that because you have so much happening in your life right now, dropping this bombshell would be too hard for you. However, I believe that, because you are so much like your father, you will not find the situation hard to accept. I have learned over the past 13 years that shame is wasted time and there is no wrong way to love. Shame kept me from telling James the truth. In the end I learned that James had known and he didn't judge me. It pains me now to remember how long we had been dishonest with each other. Shame kept me from trusting Remus and caused me to develop my ill-fated proposal to make Peter the Secret Keeper, which chain reacted and led to so much death and pain.

"You need to choose someone else as Secret Keeper," I told James. "They will come for me anyway, since I am the obvious choice, and I would rather die knowing there was no way I could have betrayed you. I think you should ask Peter. No one would ever think it's him. You'll be safer that way."

James slid his fingers under his glasses to rub his eyes. The stress of protecting his family had taken its toll on him and he looked older suddenly. I noted how quickly he had gone from a reckless teenager to a concerned young father.

When he didn't respond I tried again. "Also, if the death eaters believe it's me, I can use the opportunity to find out who has been betraying us. If I can do that, then maybe we can end this sooner and you won't need to hide Harry for much longer."

We were sitting alone at his kitchen table drinking ale that I had brought to him from Diagon Alley. It was late at night. Lily and the baby were sleeping and the house was quiet. "I don't know," James said, finally, looking skeptical. "There's no one I trust more than you to do this. I know that protecting Harry is as important to you as it is to me. Am I asking too much from your friendship? Is that why you've changed your mind?"

"No," I replied quickly, hurt that he would have thought this of me. "It's not that at all. I haven't changed my mind. I'm just asking you to consider another option." I searched for how to convince him without telling him too much. I didn't want to worry him more than I had, but time was short and I didn't have much choice. "Look, we both know that there is a spy and I think it is Remus. Don't object! It makes sense. The spy is someone close to us, after all. If I let Remus believe that I'm the Secret Keeper, then he will betray me to Voldemort. Once Remus does that, I'll have the opportunity destroy Voldemort before he can get to Harry. And I'll take down some death eaters too, for good measure. Think about it, James. It's the perfect plan!" I tried to sound enthusiastic and adventurous in the hope that it would remind him of our carefree days back at Hogwarts - days that seemed now like another lifetime.

James was quiet for a moment, trying to process this information. He was not reminscing on our youth, but of whom I had accused. "Remus?" he asked in disbelief. "I thought you and he were…" his voice trailed off and he looked down at the table. I could see he was doing some quick thinking, trying to come up with a plausible lie. His face was turning redder by the moment. He knew, I realized then.

"You thought he and I were what?" I asked, although the question was pointless. I looked directly at him, challenging him to finish the thought.

"You seem like you're especially close," He answered. "Which is why I'm surprised that you suspect him." It was a great save, but it was too late. I knew that wasn't what he meant.

I hesitated, waiting for the right words to come. I could feel my anger at Remus rising within me. I immediately assumed that he had told James our secret, making my suspicions about him even more believable. For a moment I grasped for a way to lie and steer James away from what he had obviously discovered. But then I realized that to lie to him was to betray his trust in me; the same thing I was beginning to hate Remus for. I took a deep breath and looked at James. "You mean because Remus has shared my bed?"

James nodded. He looked away from my gaze, but seemed relieved that it was out in the open. "I assume he told you." I said, angrily. I was not relieved.

"No, of course he didn't," James waved off my suggestion. "Lily noticed it at our wedding. Since then she's seen looks between you both that made her suspect something was happening. 'Witches intuition' she calls it, but she was pretty certain."

I groaned and put my face in my hands, unwilling to face him. "Is it that obvious?"

"No," James assured me. "These days you both seem like you are purposely avoiding each other for my benefit. You don't have to. I hate that we had secrets from each other, Padfoot, especially now. I hate that you've been pretending that it didn't happen and I've been pretending that I didn't know." James stopped and took a drink of his ale. "Was it only that once? After the wedding, I mean, that you…"

I didn't say anything. My silence was his answer. James nodded, muttering his understanding. I finished my drink in one large gulp.

James let out a weary sigh and pointed his wand at my glass to refill it. "For what it's worth, I'm happy for you." I looked at him sceptically, but he was sincere. "I really am. Maybe in the past I would have been shocked, but now…" he spread his arms wide, indicating his shrinking world, "locked up like this has given me a different perspective. All love is good and, with all the hatred that surrounds us these days, we need to find love where ever we can. Being alone is the worst thing in the world. I've worried about you, and Moony too. If you're together, well, that's a good thing. You deserve someone to love. Both of you do."

"I'm not in love with him!" I replied sharply. But even as I said the words, I knew they weren't true. I began the same excuse I always told myself and the lies flowing quickly off my tongue. "It's an addiction - an obscene addiction. I tell myself that when he comes to me I won't let him into my bed, but I always do. When I need him and go to him, part of me hopes that he'll tell me that he won't have me any longer. But it never happens and we keep going on like this. "

"Oh, so is it a …" James hesitated. He sounded uncomfortable as if searching for the right words. "You know… a physical thing?"

"No! It's not that either." I was torn between my habit of denial and my desire to talk about that which I had kept to myself for so long, but had never, truly understood. "Well, maybe it is. I mean, I like that part, obviously, but it's more about… do you really want to hear this?"

He still looked somewhat uncomfortable, but also interested. "Yes, I do. It just, well, may take me a while to get used to hearing you say it."

"I can't get used to hearing me say it!" We were both smiling. James was like that. He made everyone feel at ease.

"So, you were saying the sex is good." He teased.

"It's amazing!" I teased back. "But more than that," I swallowed hard and began to say what I had never admitted before. "It's how I feel when I'm with him. I feel that something bursts inside, filling me with goodness, dissolving everything bad. I feel his strength join mine and it makes me stronger. I feel my sorrows flow into him and become lighter. There's warmth between us in that moment and I feel I'm a part of something sacred and transcendent. I go to him broken and empty and he makes me whole. I don't know if I can live without that feeling." I had said more than I wanted. It was more than I had ever recognized, even to myself.

James snickered, "That's being in love."

"What makes you say that?" I was now ashamed that I had said so much. James and I were close, but I had never before expressed such strong, personal emotions with him. It was Remus with whom had always I shared those intimacies and, at the moment, I regretted that too.

"I say it," said James, knowingly, "because it's like that for me every time."

We sat silently for a while, drinking our ales and contemplating all that had been revealed. James spoke first. "What does Moony think? Has he ever said how he feels about you?"

I shook my head. "We don't really talk about it. I don't think either of us wants to acknowledge what it means. We used to tell each other that we would just do it one more time and never again. We don't bother with that any longer, but I don't think that he considers us ... together." I stumbled on the last word.

We had finished our drinks and I refilled them. I hoped that the numbing effects of the alcohol would make the difficult conversation easier as I struggled to find something to say. I wondered if he pictured Remus and me together and whether that image filled him with revulsion.

"I really don't understand why you suspect him." James said finally, shaking his head.

"Don't you see? I am weak with him!" I realized I had spoken too loudly in the quiet house and dropped by voice to just above a whisper. "He has a power over me. I don't want to need him like I do, but I can't stop myself. I'm afraid that, as your Secret Keeper, I would be unable to resist anything he asked me."

James was quiet again. I could see that he was trying to understand all that was happening to him, to you, and now to me and Remus. There was so much in his life that was hard to comprehend and I felt badly having added to that confusion. After a while, he appeared to have collected his thoughts and he cleared his throat before speaking. "If you want my advice, you need to accept the fact that you are in love. Once you do that and you tell him how you feel, then you'll realize how ridiculous these accusations are. Moony would never deceive us; I'm certain of that. But, I trust you more than I trust myself and if you aren't sure, then I defer to your judgment." James paused and tipped back in his chair so that it rested on two legs. "If you really believe I should ask Peter, then I will. Just promise me that you'll keep an eye on him. He's not strong like you are."

I smiled, gratefully. "I promise. I think this is the best way, even though you have your doubts. I want this threat to be gone as much as you do."

James tipped his chair up again and reached across the table to grasp my hands. "I know you do."

As we clasped hands, I looked into his eyes and saw beyond the pain and exhaustion, and into something familiar, fraternal, and deep. I saw that which had bound us for so many years.

And then James read my mind, saying the words I never had the courage to utter. "You have always been like a brother to me, Sirius. You are my best friend and I love you."


	6. Chapter 5 The Pain from Scorpions

_A/N: In this letter Sirius describes Remus's point of view during their years apart up until POA. Another character reveals his secrets. Just borrowing, so don't sue. This chapter is the basis of my other story, The Prisoner of Memory._

**5. The Pain from Scorpions**

Remus' world collapsed when the moon waned and he returned to find all of his friends had gone. He had handled a great deal of pain in his life, but the shock of their deaths and betrayal was more than he felt he could bear. At first he was convinced that there had been some mistake; that the person he knew and loved could not have been capable of such deception and violence. Over time he understood that denial was a part of grieving and, as years went by and memories faded, he wondered if he had ever loved at all.

Dumbledore would stop in to see him from time to time. "You're checking up on me," Remus said as he served his guest a cup of tea. "As you can see, I haven't become a drunk or succumbed to my more animalistic nature."

Dumbledore nodded his head in thanks for the tea. "I assure you, Remus, I didn't expect to find you in either of those states. You are far stronger than that." He sipped his tea slowly and leaned back in the chair. "The survivors are the ones who suffer, whether from loneliness or guilt that they did survive." Remus had wanted to say how none of this made sense, to explain how close friends wouldn't do this to one another, but he felt that Dumbledore would explain that it was just survivor's guilt driving his thoughts, and he didn't want the older man's pity.

Eventually the days took up routines. Months went by marked with full moons that he met alone. Years passed surprisingly quickly. Over the years Dumbledore continued his visits, often offering Remus a teaching position that Remus would always turn down. "I'm not safe around children," was his excuse.

"On the contrary, of all the prefects I've known in my years as headmaster, you were one of the most compassionate towards the younger students. That, along with your skills would make you an excellent teacher." Dumbledore replied. But still, Remus would not accept. He feared returning to the place that had held so many happy memories for him. Memories that he feared would be tainted if he returned.

Nearly a dozen years had passed since Voldemort's fall, when Dumbledore came to Remus and made his offer again. This time he sounded more urgent. "My current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will not be returning next year. I need you to reconsider your previous concerns about taking the job." Remus began to demur, when Dumbledore put up his hand, "Before you answer, I want you to think about any favors you feel you may owe to me. To think about the times I took a chance on you and to see if you have it in your heart to take a chance on me."

"Sir, are you blackmailing me?" Remus asked in amused disbelief.

"Technically, it's extortion; but I wouldn't put you in this position, Remus, if I didn't really need you to take me seriously and to realize, for once, that my offer is genuine. I am not asking you to take this position out of pity."

Remus was shocked by this change in Dumbledore's usual unflappable demeanor. "Why? What has changed?"

Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair, resting his wrists on Remus' shabby table. "You are probably aware that James Potter's son is now attending Hogwarts."

There it was.

If Dumbledore had reached in and ripped out his heart, Remus felt that the pain would have been just as great. For all those years that he had felt so alone and abandon, he knew that there was another person, a small child, whose loss was greater than his. Like so many things, he had tried not think about it, because it reminded him of the person whose deception had orphaned the child. "No, I … no, I hadn't realized," Remus stuttered.

Dumbledore was unfazed by Remus' obvious discomfort. "He's fine, but Voldemort has made two attempts to reach him while he's been at Hogwarts and that concerns me greatly. I need someone else to watch out for him, someone I trust completely; someone else who feels invested in Harry's well-being. Equally important, I need someone who can teach in an area where there is a vacancy. Do you understand Remus, why it has to be you?"

Remus struggled trying to put together the pieces of everything Dumbledore had told him. "He's back?"

"Not completely," Dumbledore replied, leaning back. "But I expect he will be. We fool ourselves when we believe we have conquered evil. It has a way of returning when we aren't vigilant in protecting that which we value. The Ministry has become complacent in this time of peace. It's only a matter of time…" He didn't finish the thought, but let it hang between them, cold like a ghost. After a pause, he said, "I'm still waiting for your answer."

"I'm not sure you left me much choice," Remus answered softly. "If I do agree, can I request that you not tell him about me? I don't want him to know about me and James and …" Remus trailed off, unable to say the name.

"Of course I will respect your wishes," Dumbledore reassured him. "That is your history to share, and maybe someday you'll be ready to do so."

In the weeks that followed, Remus found himself looking forward to his new position. He busied himself creating lesson plans and seeking out supplies for his classroom. Any trepidation he had previously felt about returning to Hogwarts began to disappear as the summer progressed towards fall. Remus was surprised to find himself in possession of a long, lost emotion: excitement.

But then he heard about the escape, and he knew his brief encounter with joy was over. He sent an owl to Dumbledore, stating his understanding that Dumbledore must now rescind his offer. He was taken off-guard when Dumbledore appeared at his door that evening. "Classes begin in a few weeks, Remus. What makes you think I'd change my mind now?" Dumbledore asked as he walked into Remus' flat, holding aloft the parchment.

"Sir, you must know about Sirius Black's escape and have heard the rumor that he is on his way to Hogwarts. Having me there puts you in a difficult position. Many people, including the staff, will remember that Sirius and I were friends and, well, I can see where their suspicions will take them." Remus shrugged as if he didn't care, but in reality he felt that I had once again ruined his life.

"Unless you are saying that you would help Sirius Black if he asked you…" Dumbledore looked at Remus whose face showed nothing but denial. "Good. Then we have nothing to worry about. I feel this recent change of events only proves that I need you protecting Harry more than ever. May I sit?" Remus nodded and pointed to an armchair.

Remus sat down across from Dumbledore, who arranged himself in the armchair and began speaking in a more serious tone. "I've never told anyone this, but when I was a young man I had a good friend, much in the same way you had James Potter and Sirius Black. In truth, we were even closer. There were times…" Dumbledore paused. His gaze drifted away from Remus' face as he considered his next words. "There were times when our friendship crossed a line. It crossed that invisible line which close friends create to keep them from exploring a deeper connection."

He paused again. Remus felt uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. Particularly, he was afraid Dumbledore had realized a truth about Remus' past that Remus had tried desperately to forget. Remus shifted in his chair and the creaking wood brought the older man back from his reverie.

Dumbledore continued. "I'm not ashamed of that; I'm only ashamed that my feelings kept me from seeing the evil that was right before me. Or perhaps more shameful is the fact that I did see it, but I chose to ignore it until it was too late.

"Years later, when the evil grew too large for even me to ignore, I fought him and imprisoned him where he can do no more harm. It pained me to do that to my friend, to someone I had loved at first like a brother and, eventually, even more deeply than that. But it was the right thing to do and I was sure of that. I'm still sure. And if he came back today, asking for my forgiveness, asking me to go back to the way things were between us; it would hurt, but I know I would not give in to him.

"You are strong, Remus. I have always admired that in you. The Sirius Black you knew is not the same person who murdered your friends and who is now a danger to Harry. I know that if you were confronted with him, you would do the right thing, as I did long ago." Dumbledore got up from the chair, walked over to Remus, and put his hand on Remus' shoulder. They stayed there wordlessly for a few moments, until Dumbledore walked to the door and left the flat.

There are many students at Hogwarts, Remus reasoned to himself, avoiding one should not be too difficult. While he planned on keeping his promise to Dumbledore, he did not want to become close to James' son. He could, he told himself, protect the boy from afar by keeping alert to signs of the Dark Magic. He told himself that Dementors would be more successful than he, if indeed an escapee from Azakaban was able to live past the fall from the tower, the frigid waters, and the long, dangerous swim. It was, any reasonable person would know, highly unlikely anyone could survive that. But still, somewhere deep within, he felt a strange, vaguely remembered sensation. He felt as if scorpions, which had lain dormant all these years, were beginning to reawaken and crawl inside him. He felt their tongues reaching for his skin and remembered the feeling of them biting through his flesh whenever he had tried to fight the desire he knew was wrong, but could not live without. Perhaps, it was just the idea of returning to Hogwarts that caused the sensation to reoccur, but Remus wondered if it was a sign of my presence growing closer.

The full moon occurred right before the school year was to begin. Remus had recently begun taking the Wolfsbane potion, which prevented his transformation, but made him very sleepy. The morning he was to leave on the train he was still feeling the somnolent effects of the potion. After several strong cups of tea, he made his way to King's Cross Station, found an empty car, and was soon fast asleep. He dreamt he was a young boy again, riding this train with his classmates, but, as it is in dreams, he could not remember their names. The only one he remembered was James. He heard James' voice clearly as he spoke to the other students. Half-asleep, Remus tried to listen harder for James' voice to give him some clue as to who these other children were. But it was when the girl said the name "Harry" that the dream left Remus and he realized that he was sharing the car with the one person he didn't want to know.

Remus fell right into his teaching duties and found that he truly loved the job. He was quite good at it, which gave him a sense of satisfaction he had not had in a long time. He enjoyed all of the students and quickly got over his fear of meeting you, Harry. In fact, he found himself becoming quite close to you and there were times when he was almost moved to tell you about his friendship with your father. When he saw you with the Marauder's Map he nearly broke out into laughter from the shock of seeing something he had lost and had almost forgotten. It was only the watchful and accusatory eye of Snape that kept him from doing so.

I had been at Hogwarts for some time before I knew Remus was there. I saw him on a cold market day in Hogsmeade. I would always hang around the market as a dog, stealing the scraps of food that sustained me while in hiding. Remus had aged in our twelve years apart but, even with a dog's eyesight, I recognized him. I moved cautiously towards him. I wasn't sure if it was safe for him to see me. Remus felt the scorpions inside him quicken. They flicked their tongues along the inside of his skin causing his hair to stand on end. Remus sensed the presence behind him and walked slowly away from the tables in the market to a nearby tree. He didn't turn around.

"Padfoot," he whispered. "Padfoot, if that is you, you must go. If I see you, I will have to turn you in, even as a dog." He pulled his hands from the pockets of his robe and left them by his side, his palms facing towards me. I licked his palm lightly with my tongue. He didn't pull away. "No," he whispered. His voice was soft and I detected the familiar choke of tears. "Please don't. Just go. There is nothing for you here."

Remus felt the matted fur brush against his hands as I moved away into the woods. He stood by the tree for a few moments, suffering the piercing teeth of scorpions.

_To reviewers: Thanks MissFreddy for doing the deed. I'll be popping some character cherries before this is through._


	7. Chapter 6 To Love Without Restraint

_A/N: This chapter revisits a theme from the prologue – love and sexuality without the labels of gay or straight._

_I don't own these characters, but I allow them to get laid, once in a while._

**6. To Love Without Restraint**

Harry continued to read the letters, learning more and more about his father as he did so. James was a popular boy, a good student, a good athlete, and a good friend. Even when he hexed other students for no reason at all, they were happy just to be noticed by James. Having been indulged by his loving parents for so many years, James expected to be treated the same way by students and teachers; and, pretty often, this is what happened. The only people who did not find James irresistibly charming were Severus Snape and the girl who would become Harry's mother, Lily Evans.

Harry read about the pranks and adventures, detentions and other punishments of which Sirius provided great detail. He learned that their nicknames, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, existed prior to the group becoming Animagi. James first began calling Sirius Padfoot, as a play on his being named for the dog star. Sirius called James Prongs because the latter had a habit of proudly walking naked throughout their room like a stag displaying his antlers. Wormtail was an unflattering comment on Peter's nudity and Mooney was an obvious choice for Lupin. Harry often found himself laughing while he read. He liked to think of his father and Sirius as carefree boys, unaware that their lives would change significantly and end so abruptly.

In amongst Sirius' descriptions of Quidditch games and secret passages, it seemed to Harry that the character of Hogwarts was very different than when he was there. Students often divided themselves by blood status, even within the houses. Pure bloods were known for their patrician attitudes and were used to having menial tasks completed for them by house elves. Muggle-borns were often ridiculed for being ignorant of wizarding customs, but were also secretly envied for their knowledge of popular culture, music, and clothing; although the pure blooded students pretended not to care about such things. Half-bloods could go either way, depending on whether or not they were brought up in a wizarding home. Often, however, half-bloods formed their own cliques to avoid judgment from either group. Harry noted the situation was ripe for someone like Voldemort to find followers. He was happy to read that while James and Sirius were both pure bloods, neither had much interest in cliques nor the segregation that they inspired.

The next letter took a decidedly different direction:

Dear Harry,

Today is my 36th birthday. This means that I spend one third of my life imprisoned – more if you count this house, and I do. But I promise I won't dwell on that injustice. Last night Remus, Mundungus, Tonks, and I had a birthday dinner to celebrate.

"This place is a prison!" I grumbled to Mundungus as he sat down at the kitchen table.

"Yes, that may be," said Tonks, as she walked into the room, her arms full of bottles, "But, thankfully, it's a prison with a wine cellar." With her wand, she popped open the corks. Remus conjured us some goblets that I filled with wine and they all drank a toast to my health and long life.

Tonks has obviously inherited the one good trait from the Black family: the ability to consume large quantities of alcohol without feeling the effects. Mundungus was not so lucky and after dinner, many glasses of wine, and several tumblers of brandy, the three of us helped him into a spare bedroom so that he wouldn't be in danger of splinching himself on the way home. He was fast asleep and snoring before we left the room.

Remus and I walked Tonks to the front door and she kissed us both good night. "She is so much like you." Remus commented after she left and he secured the locks on the door.

"Do you mean because we both want to shag you?" I replied

"Hardly!" Remus snorted. "I was referring to her arrogant irreverence and complete disdain for authority."

"Oh, that," I said dismissively. "But she does, you know. She couldn't take her eyes of you during dinner and any idiot could see she was flirting." I put my arm around him and he pulled away slightly, checking to see if by some miracle Mundungus had woken up and was now wandering the corridors. Seeing no such thing, he slipped back into my embrace.

"Poor girl," he clucked half-jokingly as we walked up the stairs. "It'll be a shame when I have to break her heart."

We entered the bedroom and Remus shut the door behind him. I pushed him playfully up against the bedroom door, held him there by his shoulders, and kissed him fiercely and deeply. "I've been looking forward to doing that all evening." I whispered when I moved my mouth from his to breathe.

"Harry better get here soon so we can tell him and put this out in the open," he whispered back. We kissed again, more softly this time, our tongues teasing and circling.

"Right. Harry first, Tonks next, then we stop pretending." I could hardly imagine that day.

Remus agreed. "Family first, then everyone else." We kissed and his fingers moved along my buttons beginning at my chest, across my abdomen, to down along my flies. My sharp intake of breath broke the kiss.

"Were you saying something before about shagging?" he asked with a smile.

"It's a birthday wish. But we'll have to be quiet. We have a houseguest."

"I'm always quiet," he said untruthfully, as his fingers got to work on the business of undressing me. "You're the one with no self-restraint."

"Well, if Mundungus complains about the noise, I'll blame it on Buckbeak."

It being my birthday also means that your dad's birthday would have been last week and I'm sorry the day went by without my notice. James loved birthdays, especially his own, but he tried to make my birthdays enjoyable too. My sixteenth birthday was particularly memorable. It was the night thatJames and I snuck off the school grounds and I ended up losing my virginity.

On his birthday that same year I stole a bottle of firewhiskey and we drank it until he ended up singing "No Woman, No Cry" outside the girls dormitory, which was hilarious; especially the disgusted expression on the Lily's face as they looked out the window to see what was going on. James was fun to get pissed with. While I tended to get angry when I had had too much, Remus would fall asleep, and Peter would get sick and vomit, drinking made James even jollier and more daring. For my birthday James had the idea to sneak into town for our drinks. Had we been caught, we would have been in even more trouble, which made it more fun for us, although that was the reason Peter and Remus chose not to join us.

When we got to the bar it was late. We were the only ones there save Madam Rosmerta. She was happy to see us and we spent the time making her laugh. When she found out it was my birthday she joined us for a few rounds, letting us stay even after she closed up. We had a fun, little party, but eventually James decided that we really should get back to school. As we settled up and got ready to leave, Rosmerta said "Why don't you stay, Sirius? You and I can continue celebrating your birthday. I have a present for you in the back."

James and I looked at each other, wordlessly trying to decide if she meant what we thought she did. "You'll be alright on your own, won't you James? I'll send Sirius along in due time."

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Well, ahh, enjoy the rest of your birthday, Padfoot." James winked at me and slowly walked out.

"Don't worry, I'm sure he will," said Rosmerta, seductively.

I admit I was nervous. There were very few things that scared me back then, so the emotion itself was disconcerting. She beckoned me to follow her upstairs. Along the staircase candles illuminated our way and extinguished as we passed. I had had girlfriends before then and I knew how things were supposed to progress, but this time I knew I'd be taking things to their natural conclusion. Her flat held the aroma of the candles, the flowery scent of her perfume, and the painty smell of her make up. By the time we reached her bedroom and she began to undress, my desire for her was greater than my fear. I was ready for her to take me. To take me to that place where boys become men, baptized in the warm touch of a woman. "You're so beautiful," I said as I moved towards her and kissed her.

I made my way back to school under the cover of darkness, through the passageways where I had walked so many times, but this time felt different. I felt confident, manly, and alive.

I woke James when I returned to our room. "So?" he asked in a loud whisper, trying not to wake the others. He sat up against the pillows in the darkness.

I sat on the edge of his bed, telling him everything including my nervous fumbling and her patient guidance. "And then she said "There's no prize for doing this quickly, you know.'"

James hooted with laughter that he smothered in the bedclothes. Peter snorted in his sleep and I heard Remus turn over. "So were you able to restrain yourself?" he asked when he regained some control.

"I think so. I mentally recited the names of the players on our Quidditch team, alphabetical and by position." James smothered his laughter once again. "Oi!" I defended myself, "It's harder than it sounds! At least, in that particular moment it was."

"So who's your best mate? Who gets you laid on your birthday?" James asked rhetorically, hitting me on the shoulder.

"You're the best!" I said hitting him back. "And I owe you the same favor."

"I'll settle for your help in getting Lily Evans to like me," James sighed.

"I said I'd do a favor, not the impossible," I joked.

For the next few weeks I endured almost non-stop teasing from my friends, a result of their jealously no doubt. I never had the pleasure of Madam Rosmerta's exclusive company again and, as far as I know, no other student ever received the same birthday present from her as I did. I saw her when I was hiding our in Hogsmeade last year. She is still quite beautiful. Who knows, Harry, if my name is cleared by the time of your sixteenth birthday this summer, perhaps I'll take you there and we'll see what happens. Don't worry, I'm just teasing.

If you want some god-fatherly advice on whether it is best to take that leap into manhood with an experienced older woman or a girl you care for, I can only share with you my own experience and that of my friends. Remus was next to be relieved of his virginity. It was a year later, in the spring of our sixth year, with Sara Stewart; a girl he had been going out with for most of school year. While all of Gryffindor was celebrating a Quidditch victory, the two of them were off in an empty classroom. Remus reported all went well, but when they were finished, he realized that, in their passionate haste, they had forgotten to lock the door. He was made aware of this mistake by the arrival of Mr. Filch, who told them to get dressed and report to his office immediately, where they were assigned many (separate) detentions. Remus said the punishment was well worth the crime.

Peter's big event occurred following summer. While vacationing on the Isle of Man with his family, he met up with Charlotte Crabbe, a Slytherin girl from our year, and they began going out. However, in typical Peter fashion, he began to doubt the wormtail's abilities at the crucial moment and that put everything on hold for a while. Eventually, He succeeded and returned to school with bragging rights. Your father was last of us, in the fall of our seventh year with, of course, your mother. Based on their reports, my advice to you is to be prepared, be confident, be in love, and (from my own experience) go for it with abandon.


	8. Chapter 7 The Darkness Bleeds Daylight

_A/N: This chapter provided some of Sirius' background in keeping with the canon. If you can be patient for 2 more chapters you'll see in great detail how Remus and Sirius started their relationship._

**7. The Darkness Bleeds Daylight**

Dear Harry:

"Why are you with me?" I asked Remus earlier this evening. I was sitting at the kitchen table, my head in my hands. I was in a particularly foul mood after a verbal altercation with Snape and beginning to feel like the walls of this house were closing in on me. Not only does Snape insult my godson, but he also makes rude insinuations that Remus and I have an improper relationship. Of course, he doesn't know that we DO have a relationship; I just don't like him judging it as improper or obscene. ("Ignore him," Remus told me, "He should be so lucky as to have what we have.") He's right of course, but Snape got me so riled up that I had snapped at Remus over something small and was now regretting it.

"Why am I with you?" he repeated, bringing me back to the present. "Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it's because I love you." He walked behind me and began kneading my shoulders.

"Is that the only reason?" I grumbled. I was acting like a sullen child, but I couldn't help myself.

"No," he put his arms around my neck and brought his mouth over the top of my head to kiss my brow. "But it's the most important one."

As I leaned back into his warmth, I thought of all the nights I had been cold and alone. I realized how fortunate I was to be with him, even if it was in this house. He brings to me all that is sacred and all that is sensual, all that is transcendent and all that is earthly. He provides me with intimacy and comfort, refuge and redemption, a sense of family, of home, of place. He gives to me everything I had missed in my life and all that I never knew I could have. I lifted up my arms and drew him closer to my lips.

It was I who discovered Remus' secret, his "furry, little problem" as we called it; but it was James who decided what we would do to help him. He was always like that – never seeing the problem, only the solution, and if that solution involved danger and adventure, so much the better. I remember Remus telling you the day when we first met how we became Animagi, so I won't bore you with the story again, but I will fill you in on some of the details.

The Black family prided itself in knowing all of the darkest dark wizards. In addition, they also were acquainted with other dark beings like vampires and werewolves. During the summer holidays after my first year at Hogwarts, Fenrir Greyback visited my family at Grimmauld Place. It didn't take me long to match his symptoms with those of Remus. I also learned that werewolves were not dangerous to animals (Greyback had a cat he always traveled with.) When I reported my information to James, it was he who suggested that we investigate becoming Animagi. Peter was, of course, against this, but I was up for the challenge.

While creating an animagus is difficult and dangerous, when you have an invisibility cloak and an unlimited imagination, those obstacles are easy to overcome. Not to mention the access to the many books and manuals involving the dark arts that I had during my school breaks at Grimmauld Place. James was able to ask his parents multiple questions about aspects we didn't understand or with which we had difficulty, and they indulged him with answers without concern as to why he needed that information.

When the plan finally worked, after three years of effort, we were all thrilled, especially Remus, who was tired of hearing us talk about it. We had a great time in those remaining years planning our adventures, running wild, discovering places no one else knew. Most importantly, it took my mind off the other things that were going on around us. Voldemort was gaining power slowly and subtly, but I could feel that change was in the air and I was scared. Perhaps more than my friends I knew how things had shifted. While my family had previously kept their views to themselves, sharing them only with those who felt similarly, they were becoming more outspoken about where they stood in terms of the future of the wizarding community. My cousin Belletrix had by then married into the Lestrange family and they were staunch supporters who tried to get my entire family to support this new direction. Meetings of family and friends were held to discuss what we could do ensure that pure bloods would rise in power and the Dark Arts would become an acceptable practice.

I didn't pay much attention at these gatherings. I felt it would be pointless to express my contrary position, as it would just keep them talking and I was always anxious to leave at the first available opportunity. But then I met Greyback again. At this one meeting I was daydreaming about our last animagi adventure and as a way of passing the time and ignoring Bella's latest rant, I asked him if he knew Remus Lupin. He laughed, "John Lupin's kid? I wondered what they did with him."

I shivered uncomfortably at the sound of his laughter. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Lupin worked for the Ministry of Magic years ago when I was on trial for attacking a Muggle. I wasn't convicted, but John Lupin was the one of the prosecutors on the case. Well, I was quite offended by the statements he made against me so, to punish him, at the next full moon I made sure to position myself near enough to his son." Greyback laughed again, remembering his cleverness, "I believe he understood then, as have many since, that I am not to be crossed. Lupin was so distraught, I understand he left his job at the Ministry and began practicing Muggle law far out in the country, the dirty half-blood."

I was horrified. "You did that to Remus? Purposely?"

He smiled at me, baring his ugly teeth. "Hopefully, the boy learned a lesson, too. Or perhaps he thinks I gave him a great gift;a gift which ensures that people will take him seriously as well."

I thought of Remus and the years of his pain I had witnessed. I remember all of the times James, Peter, and I had cared for him as the full moon approached and he grew weaker. We watched him as he bravely fought through the agony of his transformations month after month. Remus had always thought that the bite was an accident and that the werewolf who did it was living with the memory of this terrible crime, which was beyond his control. It was just like Remus to feel sympathy for one who had hurt him. This news, that it had all been part of a plan for revenge, stung me in a way that nothing else my family had ever said had before.

"Is this what you want?" I asked loudly to everyone in the room, standing as I addressed them. "You want to threaten and punish all those who oppose you, to destroy innocent lives so that you can feel powerful? In your new world order, is there no room anyone different than you? I know you want to be powerful, but we are the oldest and strongest of wizards, isn't that enough? Do you have to have this Voldemort to prove it to you and make all others fear you?"

"Sirius, dear, you are finally paying attention," Mother said sarcastically and the others snickered. "Now sit down, darling. I'd hate for you to miss anything else."

I continued standing, looking at those who sat around me – my parents, Aunt Druella, Uncle Cygnus, Belletrix, Rudolpho, Narcissa, Lucius, Regulus, Greyback, and others whose names I can no longer remember. They made me feel ill for being a part of them. I was part of them not only in blood, but because I had sat there complacently through their meetings never really believing that they would do all that they were plotting.

"I hear all this talk about justice for our kind, but we can't expect justice when we are unjust. We are wizards, not gods!"

I knew then that war would come and I couldn't sit with my enemy any longer. I turned and left the room, running up the stairs two at a time. I collected a few possessions from my room and ran back down the stairs determined to leave the house.

My mother stopped me on the landing. "Where do you plan to go? Who do you think will take you in?"

I looked at her objectively for the first time ever. She and I did not share much of a family resemblance, but I noted how her nieces resembled her with their deep set, hooded eyes. Her mouth curled into a sneer as she challenged me with her words and I realized then how much I was like her in personality. I also spoke with the arrogance that my position was always right, sneering disrespect towards others. I was ashamed of myself then, but I used the tactic back on her. "I have friends who don't need to rely on the dark arts to feel powerful."

"Oh," she laughed, "Like the Potters? Don't be naïve, Sirius! They have used the Dark Arts when it has suited them, and condemned the same when it has not. They are no different than us and neither are you."

I laughed back at her, "That's where you are wrong, Mother. I'll never be like you." I promised myself that I would work to change; to become more like those I admired and less like those I disdained. I continued down the stairs, listening to her maniacal laugh as it followed me out of the house.

I vowed never to return to them and to defeat their dangerous plans every chance I had. I was 16 years old and this was during the Christmas holidays of my sixth year. Nearly five years later, I was imprisoned for supporting the very thing I had vowed to oppose. I wondered if my family realized I was wrongly accused and it amused them to think of me rotting away in Azkaban. Or perhaps they believed those accusations and were proud of me, finally. I'll never know what they thought and, in any case, I don't really care.

The light from my candle flickers across the room, feathering Remus' features as he sleeps soundlessly in our bed. If it weren't for his monthly transformations and evenings spent away on Order business, I would make love to him every night, compensating for all of the times I forbid myself from doing so and all of the years we were apart. Time slips away from us so quickly, Harry, and the things we once thought were so shameful, the secrets we kept for fear of exposing our true selves soon lose their significance and we are left to wonder why we wasted so much time being afraid.


	9. Chapter 8 The Sirens of Shipwrecks

_A/N: Do you hate OCs? Me too, but please bear with me here. These ladies help set up some of the conflict that happens after the slashy action in the next chapter (yay!) In this chapter we also see James begin to change from an "arrogant toe-rag" to a candidate for membership in the first Order of the Phoenix. _

_Anvil warning: "Reve" is the French word for dream and the root of the word revelation. "Janus" is a two-faced Roman god. _

**8. The Sirens of Shipwrecks**

Dear Harry:

Before I began writing to you, I spent a good deal of time reading the books in the library here at Grimmauld Place. While I do not have the same taste in literature as my forbearers, I have found some things I enjoy, such as Greek mythology. This subject was a particular passion of my father. Many wizard scholars believe that the gods described by Homer are actually ancient wizard. I can see some truth to that theory. Greek gods were admired for their powers, rather than their virtue; idea was that both of my parents must have found very appealing.

I recently read _The Odyssey_ by Homer. I found his description of the Sirens singing the travelers to shipwreck a metaphor for our final year at Hogwarts. All four of us had girlfriends and we began to drift apart. James had always been the glue that held the four of us together and, with his attentions elsewhere during that time, the full moon was the only time we came together as a group. Our girlfriends were all so different and, truthfully, so were we.

I would like to believe that it was Peter's girlfriend who pulled him to the Death Eaters. Honestly though, we were not always kind to Peter and perhaps the years of our good-natured torture wore him down and she was in the right place to provide him the opportunity to get back at us. I don't remember much about Peter's girlfriend, Charlotte Crabbe. Her brothers became Death Eaters, but we didn't know that then. She was a Slytherin, short and voluptuous, with short, curly, black hair. Peter was quite enamored of her. James and I used to joke that he would fall in love with the first girl who agreed to sleep with him, and Charlotte definitely fit that mold. Peter spent the night in the Slytherin dormitory quite often and we were all very impressed at the time. Now I wonder if it provided him a convenient cover while he was learning the Dark Arts from Snape, Regulus and their lot.

Remus was still dating Sara Stewart. They had been going out for nearly a year and were seemingly well matched. Sara was a Ravenclaw prefect and a serious student. She was very thin and had mousey brown hair that she wore in a long plait. While she was not stunningly beautiful, she had a pleasant, yet narrow, face and wore wire-rimmed glasses that made her look particularly astute. She and Remus studied together and kept each other company when they were on prefect duty. James and I cruelly used to try and picture the two of them making love, but found we could not, mostly because of Sara's prudishness. If not for the fact they had been caught in the act and punished for the crime, we would not have believed Remus' boasting. Outwardly, they appeared quite restrained; however, once I accidentally came upon them in a private moment and was surprised by the passion of their kiss. Sara's head arced backward. Her neck was swanlike and she looked both sexy and submissive. But it was Remus I couldn't turn away from. He leaned over her and, although his eyes were closed, his face had a hungry, wolfish look as one hand caressed her face and the other trailed along the side of her breast. He moved his lips from hers and began kissing her long, white neck. Sara moaned softy and murmured her consent. I felt an odd tingling sensation move throughout my body and turned away, ashamed of my voyeurism.

James by this time was going out with Lily. Towards the end of our sixth year James had become very outspoken about his distain for the Dark Arts and the growing power of Voldemort. He demeanor became less of an arrogant athlete as his political beliefs grew. By our seventh year he had become quite militant. Not only did he direct his contempt towards Snape's crowd, but also towards those who refused to take a stance. James was not content to "agree to disagree." He didn't care who he offended by his convictions and was determined to convert as many people as possible. It was the strength of those convictions that impressed Lily. In our latter school years she was seen less and less in the company of Severus Snape. She shared the same beliefs as James and I, and James was delighted by her support. He was gentlemanly to her, which was a huge personality change. He held doors open for her and held her hand when they walked through the corridors. It was as if he finally had what he had wanted for so long that he no longer felt the need to seek attention from anyone else. This meant he no longer went around hexing younger students and messing up his hair when pretty girls walked by.

I began dating a new girl that fall as well. Her name was Reve Janus. I remembered her from our first year at Hogwarts when she used to sit with other girls and draw pictures of unicorns and rainbows. I never had much use for girls like that, and wouldn't have noticed Reve that fall if I hadn't overheard a ridiculous conversation and felt it necessary to make a contemptuous comment. Several girls were grouped together outside of the classroom, unintentionally blocking my entry. As I stood still, waiting for them to move, I overheard one of them say that Reve possessed the gift of second sight. I had never liked divination or those who believed in it, so I turned to challenge her. "You can predict the future?" I asked mockingly. Reve nodded, without meeting my eye. I realized then that I had never heard her speak. "Then who do you predict will win the match today?"

"She doesn't predict silly things like that," one of her friends retorted. "She only sees important things."

Were these girls really so dense, I wondered? I felt I needed to say something to shock them out of their stupidity and get them out of my way. "Is that so? Can you see me naked?" I teased.

The girls giggled, but I could barely hear them as I watched Reve. She slowly closed her eyes, her long lashes brushing against her high cheekbones. She was quite beautiful, I noticed then. She had long, strawberry-blond hair that fell in soft curls around her shoulders. She had blue eyes and there was a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose. My gaze fell away from her face and I found my eyes drawn to where her robe parted, making visible the swell beneath her jumper, and causing me to imagine the soft, white flesh of her breasts. Reve's cheeks began to flush then and she opened her eyes. A soft smile formed on her lips as she whispered admiringly "Very nice." Her eyes scanned up and down my figure and I felt unusually self conscious. Had I not been a skeptic, I would have been entirely convinced that either she had seen me naked in her mind's eye, or she had been reading my impure thoughts. Shocked, I walked quietly into the classroom as the girls shrieked in hysteria behind me.

Eventually, I got to know her better. Reve was quiet and never felt the need to talk for the sake of hearing her own voice. Nor did she feel the need to spend every free moment with me, and I appreciated that. She was a half-blood. Her father was a Muggle-born wizard, but her pure-blood mother had been a Slytherin. She never pried into my background or my estrangement from my family. Often she would disappear from school for days and when she returned her excuse for leaving was "family reasons." Having covered for Remus for so long, I allowed her her privacy.

Even at the time, I realized that I liked Reve more because of what she was not, rather than what she was. She had no objection to physical intimacy and gave herself freely to me. I knew that I was not her first, but Reve never volunteered to tell me who had been there before and I never cared to ask. I never believed in her second sight (James and I would mock her for it behind her back) and we would end up betraying each other in the worst ways, but for a time I was happy with her.

During one of the rare times when the eight of us were together, Charlotte Crabbe badgered Reve into demonstrating her sight. As James and I rolled our eyes at each other, Reve moved towards Charlotte and placed her hands, palms down, just above Charlottes's head. Reve closed her eyes and said, "You will always follow, but never believe. This will lead to great sadness for you." Charlotte looked confused. This was obviously far more cryptic than she hoped to hear. Reve moved on to Sara and raised her hands again. "There will be many children in your life and they will allow you to be happy." She moved on to Lily and an odd thing happened. As she moved her hands above Lily, I saw her closed eyes flinch and she pulled her hands back quickly, as if burned. "I'm sorry," She said softly, opening her eyes. "I didn't see anything." Her eyes met mine briefly and for a moment I saw fear in them. James was next to Lily and as Reve's hands moved closer to him, she stopped and made fists, as if unwilling to touch what lay before her. "I need to stop now," she said before excusing herself from the room.

"Why don't you ever ask me?" Reve questioned as I walked her back to her dormitory later that night.

I shrugged. "Maybe I don't want to know. And besides, I didn't think you liked to perform." I put my arm around her to reassure her.

"Or maybe you don't believe." She said softly, letting herself settle into my embrace.

"Maybe not," I agreed. "I don't like to think that our future is determined; that we have nothing to do but march along like lambs to the slaughter."

Reve smiled slightly at this. "That's what everyone gets wrong. We can change things. Sometimes knowing the future will lead us right into it, but other times what we know will allow us to pay attention and move away from an unwanted destiny. We always have that choice."

We had arrived at the door and as she tilted her face up to kiss me she whispered, "Your death will last for a dozen years and then you will be born into a new family." Her eyes bore into me with seriousness as she said this.

I laughed and met her kiss. "That doesn't make any sense."

As she moved away from me she said, "Not now, but maybe someday it will."

While at the time I thought nothing of her predictions, in later years I wondered what she had seen when she approached Lily and James. Did she see their deaths or was she overwhelmed by the sadness of the tragedy that would befall them? Whatever it was, it certainly seemed to frighten her. Her predictions for Charlotte and Sara were surprisingly accurate. Charlotte would always be associated with the Death Eaters, although I do not believe she ever had the personality or commitment to be one herself. Sara became a healer and, coincidentally, cared for you at St Mungo's when you were young and your mum brought you in with a fever. Lily said that Sara was very friendly and happy to see the baby, but, quite conspicuously, never asked for Remus. After that encounter, we realized how badly he must have broken her heart.

If there is one lesson I have been taught many times during my life, it is not to underestimate people. Along with underestimating Peter and Remus, I underestimated Reve and her abilities. Azkaban was a death sentence that lasted twelve years. When I escaped, I found you and, along with Remus, I have been reborn into a new family.


	10. Chapter 9 Ravish Me and I am Chaste

_A/N: While not a direct quote, the title is taken from the sonnet "Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God" by John Donne. The subject of the poem is different than this chapter, but I like the image._

**8. Ravish Me and I am Chaste**

It was during that fall or our seventh year, when I felt our schoolboy friendships begin to fade, that Remus and I turned to each other. You may wonder why I, a young man who had more than his share of female attention, entered into such a liaison. The easy answer would be teenage hormones in combination with alcohol, but it was more than that. While Remus and I had spent years complaining about rules, detentions, homework, and exams, we knew those years were coming to a close and our futures seemed so uncertain. Our boyhoods had been so intertwined and, as we felt those friendships start to unravel, we had a need to connect ourselves, one to the other - to make tangible our feelings of friendship and love.

Remus' parents died that November in a car accident. The tragedy took us all by surprise, especially Remus, who was an only child. Hearing of their deaths, attending the funeral, and my decision to stay with him for a few days after the burial happened so fast that I remember it as not much more than a blur. But the kiss I remember as if it happened in slow motion.

A few of Remus' closest friends were allowed to attend the funeral with a school chaperone. Remus looked truly pathetic that day. He wore an old, brown suit that had been hastily altered to fit him. He followed the dark caskets into the church, where he stood mouthing the words to empty prayers. At the burial I watched him silhouetted against a background of grey skies and bare trees, shivering in the November wind, I was overcome with the desire to stand with him. Remus was now alone in the world, just as I was.

"I'm staying with Moony." I told the group as we readied ourselves for the return to school.

"Me, too," James declared, following my lead.

"I'm afraid not," said our chaperone "Not only do you have detention for the next three days, Mr. Potter, but I assured the Headmaster that I would bring everyone back by the end of the day." James had obviously forgotten about the detentions he had received as the result of an altercation with another student who didn't share James' views regarding the Dark Arts. Realizing he had been defeated, James shrugged and looked at me.

I was determined to stay. "I'm sure the headmaster would understand my decision," I began to reason with her. I babbled on, charming her with my best smile until she gave in.

When I arrived at the Lupin's house it was nearly dark. Through the window I could see Remus, sitting alone in an old armchair, staring at nothing. He still wore the suit from before. His tie had been loosened and his top button undone. "Alohomora" I whispered to unlock the door and let myself in. He didn't see me at first. As I walked towards him, he turned. I expected him to say something, to ask me why I was there, but instead he broke down into racking sobs. "It'll be alright," I said as I sat down on the ottoman in front of him. I moved closer and snaked my arms around his back, allowing him to place his head on my shoulder as he continued to cry.

As Remus' sobs began to slow, he moved his head from my shoulder. At the same time I turned my head towards him to say something that I now no longer remember. Our close physical proximity along with our rapid motions caused our lips to brush as we moved. My brain told me then to keep moving, to back away, and to say that which I had planned to say, but the words had suddenly left me and I remained. I felt his lips quiver as he too was stuck in the moment. Neither of us breathed as we waited, wondering what we were to do. The need for oxygen suddenly overwhelmed both us and we breathed in, creating suction, creating a kiss.

It was accidental. I was in a state of shock. As my lips sought his again and again, I didn't think about what I was doing. I was driven by some unseen force, as was he. Eventually, I became aware that I was still holding him. I pulled my arms from his back and the movement broke the moment. As we moved away I looked at him, not knowing what to say or what excuse could possibly explain what has just happened. His eyes were closed. He then placed his hands over his face. At first I thought it was to hide his embarrassment and confusion, but then I realized he was resting behind his facade. "I am so tired, Padfoot. I haven't slept since they died. I can no longer think." It may have been an excuse, but as he moved his hands, careful to avoid my eyes, I could tell he was exhausted.

I helped him to stand and walk up the stairs to his room. He was as weak and exhausted as he often was after his transformation. Any remaining strength he had after surviving the trauma of his parents' death seemed to have left him when he shed those tears. When we reached his room I helped him onto the bed, took off his jacket and shoes, and put the blankets over him. He turned over and faced the wall. After removing my shoes, jacket and unbuttoning my shirt, I slid in next to him, lying on my back.

"I'm an orphan, Padfoot," Remus said quietly. "I am all alone."

I turned towards him, curling into his back. "I know, Moony," I whispered, "So am I." Softly I placed a kiss on the back of his neck. "But you aren't alone." Remus reached tentatively behind him, found my hand and drew it across his body. I lay holding him like that until sleep overtook us both.

I woke up alone in the bed. I kicked back the bedclothes and stared at the ceiling, trying to think of an excuse or a way of laughing off my behavior from the night before. Eventually, I went downstairs and found Remus in the kitchen eating breakfast. He looked uncomfortable when he saw me. "There's tea if you want some." He offered, pointing towards the pot.

"Thanks," I said sitting down to pour a cup. "What are you doing today?" I tried to sound as normal as possible, as if nothing had happened.

"I have to do some legal things in town. It may take some time."

With some reluctance, Remus agreed to let me go along, but only if I promised not to embarrass him in front of the numerous solicitors and bankers he was seeing that day to settle his parents' affairs. Throughout the day the awkwardness of the morning left us and we were again talking together like the old friends that we were. Neither of us mentioned the kiss. We returned to the house in the evening, drank firewhiskey, and played wizard chess. It appeared to be a normal evening, but as the night wore on I felt the tension between us rise as we both avoided the inevitable problem of sleep.

When it became obvious that Remus would have checkmate in three moves, I surrendered the game and went up to take a shower before bed. As I stood under the faucet, letting the warm water beat down on me, I considered my options. There were only two bedrooms in the house and to take Remus' parents' room seemed unkind on this day. I decided to ask Remus where he wanted me to sleep. I figured he must be debating the same dilemma. As I turned off the water and dried myself, I remembered that I had neither pajamas nor a change of clothes.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked into his room. Remus was standing at the window with his back to me. He turned towards me and I saw that his shirt was unbuttoned, as if he had started to undress, but had changed his mind. He cleared his throat and began to speak. "Sirius, I…I just…" He rarely called me by my given name, so I knew what was coming. "I want to apologize for last night. I don't know what happened. With everything….with my parents and…" he lifted his hands in a helpless gesture. "Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and to assure I haven't been harboring any secret attraction for you all these years, in case you were worried."

"I wasn't worried," I laughed. "So, what's my excuse for kissing you back?"

"I don't keep your conscience, Padfoot," Remus answered. "But I need to ask you one favor. Please don't say anything to anyone about what happened, even if you're joking. If people at school knew, it wouldn't be good for me." He sounded desperate.

"I wouldn't say anything. It wouldn't be good for me either, you know." I approached him slowly as I spoke.

"It's not the same. You're Sirius Black, the handsome, charming Quidditch player and I'm Remus Lupin, the shy, sickly prefect. It doesn't take genius for people draw their own conclusions and, before you know it, the whole school talking about how I snogged my roommate."

Perhaps it was because Remus understood and accepted me like no one else, other than James. Perhaps it was because after being with him through so many transformations, the physical closeness did not feel awkward. Or perhaps it was his strength that I admired as he bravely asked forgiveness for the kiss, while I had been such a coward. But whatever the reason I moved closer to him, took his face in his hands and kissed him. This kiss was deep and forceful. All of the girls I had kissed before would weaken to my kiss, but Remus, to my surprise, met it with force of his own.

Whereas our first kiss was all about lips, this kiss was about mouths and tongues. He tasted rich and masculine; like an exotic spice I had never tasted before but I knew I would crave for the rest of my life. His hands ran through my hair as we kissed harder and deeper until I felt a familiar pulsing in my nerves. He must have felt it too, because we both backed away at the same moment, gasping for breath, shocked at the physical reaction our passion had aroused.

I looked over at him. He was panting. His face had the hungry look of an animal and it pleased me to have incited such ardor. I caught my breath and tried to think of something to say. Once again it was Remus who spoke first. "So what happens next?" he asked.

"I think you have a choice," I said, steadying my voice so that it would not betray my desire. But still, my breath caught as I told him "You can either tell me where you want me to sleep tonight and lock the door behind me, or you'll have to invite me into you bed." His eyes met mine and their wolf-like gleam betrayed the hunger within his shock. Remus continued to look at me, trying to decide if I truly meant what I had said. Then, slowly, he slipped the unbuttoned shirt off of his shoulders. I took that as an invitation.

We rushed towards each other and our mouths met again, wet and open. I had had a number of lovers before, but I hadn't ever felt the type of forceful need that drove me at this moment. I pulled him closer and a jolt of electricity ran through us as our bare chests touched. I fought the urge to cry out and release the passion I felt building in my throat.

What happened next was experienced deep within my senses: the damp softness of the towel as it fell to the floor; the hard metal of his belt bucket as I struggled to unfasten it; the sinew of his arms as I ran my hands along them; the creak of the bed as we moved upon it; and his warm, weight as we fell, shuddering together. It was quick; each one trying to get the other to the point where he couldn't back out so that we would be forced to complete what we had so recklessly decided to do.

We made love again that night; both of us afraid that the morning would bring regret and end any chance sharing the experience again. This time it was slower, more deliberate. His hands on my body mirrored my hands on his as I showed him the kind of lover I wanted him to be. When we had completed our exploration, he placed himself above me, kissing my lips, my neck, my collarbone. His naked body brushed against me, so different than a womans, yet equally as erotic. Intimacy with a man is so different and I was touched in ways I had never been touched before.

I was a very controlled lover in those days; years of Black training had taught me to avoid showing vulnerability, but when his tongue licked my earlobe, I gasped with pleasure. "Don't be quiet," he told me. "I want to know if this is what you like."

"Yes," I moaned, "Yes."

We shifted position again and I was over him. I kissed his chest, slick with sweat, and used my tongue to discover that he had the same erogenous spots as I did. For the first time it was as exciting for me to give pleasure as it was to receive it. My tongue moved down his body, doing things I had never before imagined. When he could take no more, we lay side by side, creating a rhythm that was new to us, but as ancient as time. As we moved more urgently, he began saying my name. Every time I heard him moan "Sirius" I felt a sword run painlessly through my body, stabbing the dark core inside me and causing it to split open. What burst forth was not sour, black, and evil as I had always imagined, but dazzling, golden, and beautiful.

As I felt the joy rise within me and prepare to spill over, I called out, "Remus! I need you, Remus!"


	11. Chapter 10 Cries of Love and Lust

_A/N: I don't own these characters, but I let them have some fun._

**9. Cries of Love and Lust**

I returned from the bathroom to find Remus awake and putting on a dressing gown. He looked at me tentatively and pulled the cord tightly around his waist as if to signal "keep out." I grabbed a sheet that had fallen to the floor and wrapped it around my naked body. The pretense was silly; all had been previously exposed. "No regrets, Mooney," I said to him as I sat down on the bed. "What's done is done. We can't take back what happened, even if we wanted to, which I don't."

He seemed relieved to hear me say that and sat down next to me.

I continued, "We won't ever have to talk about it. I can keep a secret and I know you can. We'll go back to school later today and this history between us stays here."

"That's fine," he agreed. We were silent for a few moments before he added. "Sirius, sometimes when I'm...well, with Sara sometimes..." he blushed and looked down as he stumbled on his words. "Sometimes the wolf takes over and I try to contol it, but last night I wasn't able to. I hope I didn't do anything ... inappropriate."

"I think we're well beyond what's appropriate," I smirked as I said it, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiled warily as he continued to look down. "Sara says I'm overly enthusiastic."

"Sara says THAT?" I laughed. "That sounds like something Sara would say! No, enthusiasm is good. I wish more people had your enthusiasm. I always feel like I'm directing it; that the girls I'm with really don't want to be there, even though they tell me they do. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of them just by how passive they are and it takes the fun out of it."

"I know what you mean about girls. It was different being with someone so aggressive. I don't mean that you were rough or anything like that. In fact, you were much more tender than I would have expected. I always thought that when men were together it would be harsh and painful, but…" He stopped what he was saying and a dark look crossed his face, "This doesn't make us…"

"No, of course not," I assured him with confidence that I willed myself to have. "It was an accident after all; we didn't exactly plan it. And it was only once."

"Actually, it was twice."

"I know that, but if you shag twice in the same day, it only counts as one time."

"So that's a rule then?" He looked at me quizzically.

"Of course. Everyone knows that!" I was taking the piss out of him and he knew it.

He smiled at me. It was good to be like this, relaxed together. I felt that we would come away from these three days without any remorse, regrets, or awkwardness. In retrospect, that was pretty naïve, but at the time I believed it.

"This rule of yours, does it only count for what happens at night, or is there a twenty-four hour window?"

"There's a window," I said, perfectly understanding his intentions. "There's definitely a window."

If we had stopped after those first accidental, brushy kisses and that night when I slept chastely holding him, then I believe the incident would have drifted into that place in our minds where we keep faded memories and half-remembered dreams. If we had ended where we started that second night, after the fierce kissing and desparate groping, then I may have been able to let it go, to treat the experience as if it were no different from what I did in solitude, within the privacy of my curtained bed, a crime unpunishable because of its frequency among youths my age. I may have even been able to excuse that late night sexual encounter as beyond our control, the fault of the wolf within him. I could have convinced myself that I was no more than it's prey, lying beneath him, submissive, helplessly moaning in his grasp.

But I have no excuse for what happened on that third day. He rose from where he sat next to me and I undid the sash of his dressing gown. When he slipped it from his shoulders, I tried not to look at his body, as if not seeing it would save me from recognizing the totality of our actions. He moved towards me, removing the sheet that covered my nakedness and blanketing me with the warmth of his now familiar flesh.

I could have refused him, but I did not. Instead I kissed the back of his neck, his shoulder blades and the trembling muscles on his back as he gave himself to me, allowing me to take him as he and the wolf had had me the previous night. I was lightning, crackling with the power of my passion, reaching brightly from the dark storm of internal confusion, towards him, where he grounded me to everything pure and good, sharing my sin and absolving it.

* * *

After promising everything short of the Unbreakable Vow never to speak again about what had occurred between us, we returned to Hogwarts. We arrived late at night to find James and Peter waiting up for us in the common room.

"Welcome back, Remus," James said, gently. "How are you?" The four of us sat in chairs by the fire as Remus thanked us for coming to the funeral and we told them some funny antidotes about his efforts with the solicitors in settling his parents' affairs. While we talked I watched James. Neither firelight nor his concerned expression could hide a definite glint in his eye. He looked as if he was trying desperately not to smile.

"So, what have you lot been up to?" I asked when we had finished our tales of life in the country.

"Well…" began James, a grin taking over his entire face.

"You didn't!" I shouted, jumping up from my chair.

"Yes, I did!" James spread his arms wide over the armchair, making his presence there as large as possible and continuing to grin at me.

"What did you do?" That was Peter, as always a little behind.

"Gentlemen, Prongs has become a man!" I announced, bowing to James in jest.

"You shagged Lily?" Peter asked. "When?"

"Last night while you were spending the night out. And I plan to do it again, so I appreciate your frequent evenings away, Wormtail. You two," he pointed at Remus and I, and I could see Remus freeze, "will have to find places to go as well. Moony, isn't there some special prefect shag room you and Sara could investigate? And Padfoot, you've always excelled at finding out-of-the-way broom closets. Do you think you could find one with a bed so you could stay for more than thirty minutes?"

We were all laughing at the audacity of his requests. "So, you were with her all night? How was it?" I asked, anxious for details

"A gentleman never tells."

"That's so unfair! I've always told you everything!" I glanced at Remus as I said this, hoping he caught my use of the past tense. There was now something I wouldn't be sharing with James.

"Yes, but that's because you're a slut." James insulted me with his usual good nature.

"True, but it's still unfair. Fine, if you're going to be that way, then I'm no longer telling you anything about my romantic escapades." I retorted, still going along with the joke.

"No problem. I no longer need to live vicariously through you, Padfoot."

We continued on like this, laughing and teasing each other until we went up to bed. The next day James and I went for a run around the quidditch pitch. He always insisted we do this when we didn't have practice to stay in shape. When we were almost done James slowed down. "Can I ask you something, Padfoot?" His breath steamed in the cool air. "When you've…oh, never mind."

"Go on, what?" I stopped, putting out my arm for him to stop as well. He looked serious, like there was something on his mind that he had been dwelling on during our run.

"It's embarrassing," He said, rolling his eyes. I made a gesture to remind him that he could tell me anything. His hair was wet from exertion and he wiped the moisture off his upper lip onto the sleeve of his quidditch jersey. "Alright. When you, you know, when you've done it. Do you feel afterward…" he paused, "Does it make you feel that you love her more than you ever thought was possible? That you never understood, really understood, what love meant until that moment? Do you believe that something inside of you has changed and that you're a better person because of her? Is it always like that?"

As James watched me, waiting for my answer, I thought about the three days I spent with Remus. I remembered what I felt like when he called my name and the hard core inside me broke. I remembered his taste, the sound of his quickening breath, and the sensual warmth of his skin. And, although I had tried to forget, I remembered what I had said in that moment of passion. I was a different person. I was someone who loved, who needed, who no longer believed I harbored an evil inside me. I felt hopeful for the future in a way that was so uncharacteristic of me.

"No," I said truthfully to James, "It's not always like that. But I think that means it's very special." James nodded. He knew it, too.

It goes without saying, Harry, that I will be severely editing these two most recent letters, if I end up sending them to you at all. I understand that you no more want to hear about your parents shagging than you do about me and Remus. It just makes me happy to recall a happier time – a time before I slipped back into my old ways and became less confident of my ability to love and the ability of others to love me.

But there is one such story about your parents, I think you might enjoy. It involves how your father tortured Vernon Dursley. Vernon Dursley refused to go to your parents' wedding and his wife, Petunia, went along with her husband. Lily was devastated. As a consolation, Petunia invited the newlyweds to visit after the honeymoon, as long as they promised that there would be no magic in the house. James was furious at the Dursleys for hurting Lily like that and when Lily told him about the moratorium on magic, he was even more so; but, he wanted to please her more than he wanted to annoy the Dursleys. Fortunately, James found a clever way to do both. That night, in the guest bedroom that was right next to the room shared by Vernon and Petunia, James made loud, mad, passionate love to his wife.

"Twice," James said proudly. "Real, headboard banging up against the wall shags!" We were in a bar and I nearly laughed my arse off. Peter put his hand over his mouth to keep from spitting out his beer. When the laughter began to die down, James added, "And I mentally named all the players on both the Chudley Cannons AND Puddlemere United alphabetically backwards so it would last a really long time." I could hardly keep on my barstool, I was laughing so hard. Peter spit out his beer. Both Peter and I fell on the floor when James finished with "I bet the bastard will send me a bill for the damage to the bedsprings."

_To the reviewers: LadyAnalyn, don't worry about Remus' girlfriend. She'll be gone soon. Thank you everyone for your kind words of encouragement. They do wonders for creativity!_


	12. Chapter 11 The Wisemen

_A/N: A quick trip back to the present. _

_I don't own Harry Potter, but I will take his virginity._

**11. The Wisemen**

Harry's impulse to laugh about what his father did to Uncle Vernon was overcome by the knowledge of what it was James was doing to Lily at the time. Harry was sure that the room in question was the same room where he had slept when he lived with the Dursleys. The wall behind the bed was dented and the bedsprings, while not broken, always had seemed to be somewhat damaged. He never knew his parents, but the few times he had seen them as apparitions made it hard for him to realize that they were once young, impassioned lovers.

Truly, everything he had learned in Sirius' letters was overwhelming to him. He suddenly felt exhausted and saw that it was nearly two in the morning. Harry packed the letters back into the portfolio and went to sleep.

Sleep brought to him unwanted erotic dreams. He saw Fleur in her bikini standing on the edge of the cliff at Shell Cottage. The wind rippled her white-blond hair and a silvery glow pulsed from her swollen body at the rate of Harry's quickening heart beat.

The pulsating glow grew and grew, moving beyond Fleur and soon enveloped Tonks, who looked as she did at Bill and Fleur's wedding: beaautiful and radiant with the secret of Remus' child growing deep inside her body. Remus then appeared next to Tonks. Harry once again saw the shadow of the wolf on his face as Remus bent down and kissed her hungrily.

Harry turned away from their intimate moment and the pulsing beat of the glow was replaced by the sound of a bed crashing repeatedly into a wall. He then found himself in a darkened room where an adult Sirius made love to Madam Rosmeta. Harry tried to leave but, as it is in dreams, found he could not and he was forced to listen to their whispered words, both sensuous and obscene, and hear their sounds of aching desire.

The scene changed and he saw Sirius and Remus as young men standing shirtless in the moonlight, their faces partially obscured. They moved slowly towards one another and kissed. Their kisses grew deeper and more passionate as their strong arms pulled them closer and closer, until they dissolved into each other and disappeared.

Standing on the moonlit spot where they had been was now Ginny in a white, diaphanous gown. Her hands moved slowly up her body to her shoulders and she began to pull down the straps of her dress. Harry felt afraid that she would soon be naked and he would not know what it was he was supposed to do.

Harry sat up with a start. He tried to catch his breath as he looked around the room that was now full of morning sunlight. He lay back down to let the regretful effect of the dreams subside. When he felt himself sufficiently recovered, he got out of bed and began attending to the cleaning, which was the purpose of his trip to Grimmauld Place. Ginny was coming over later that day and Ron was coming tomorrow, but Harry wasn't ready yet to explain to either of them what had kept him from task. While he and Ginny talked about nearly everything, there was one subject that Harry never brought up. It was the same subject that Sirius and James seemed to talk about at length.

There were two reasons why Harry hadn't pursued a physical relationship with Ginny. First was because, although they never treated him this way, he had been a guest in her parents' home. Good manners dictated that shagging the host's daughter was not the best way to pay them back for their continued kindness. In addition, there was the fact of Ginny' five protective older brothers who, as Bill partially joked the previous morning, may indeed try to kill him if he did anything inappropriate to their sister.

The other reason was a lack of guidance. His best friend was one of Ginny's protective older brothers so, unlike Sirius and James who had each other, Harry had no one. He didn't really know what was expected of him. Once when he was fourteen, right before they left to attend the Quidditch World Cup, he found himself alone with Arthur Weasley, who cleared his throat in the way Harry knew adults to do when they had something difficult to say.

"Harry," Arthur began, "I couldn't help but notice that you are your uncle are not close. It made me wonder if he ever talked to you about..." he cleared his throat again. "What I mean to say is, Harry, I've raised six sons and, this being an age of great transition for you, I just want you to know that if you have any questions, you can come to me."

"Transition?" Harry asked, a little confused as to what Mr. Weasley was getting at.

"Well, yes. You know, boys becoming men, birds and bees, those things. I have a lot of experience, as you can imagine and I want you understand..."

Harry felt himself blush deep red. He definately didn't want to imagine what Mr. Weasley knew or the conversations he may have had with his sons, so he muttered something about primary school health class, which seemed to close the subject.

In hindsight, though, he wondered if there were secrets that Mr. Weasley had been prepared to impart to him. Sirius in his letters made it all seem so easy, so natural and Harry wondered if Sirius had lived if he would have felt comfortable to talk with him about his apprehensions. He wondered if Sirius would have provided guidance to him, having conversations of the type that Sirius had had with James.

Harry realized in retrospect that he and Sirius both looked to each other as a replacement for James. Sirius had tried to be a father figure for Harry, but he seemed to feel more comfortable treating Harry as an equal or friend. Harry looked to Sirius as a father but shared with him confidences that one might share with a brother or more experienced friend. Surprisingly, Harry realized now, Lupin had been more like a father to him, maintaining an appropriate adult-child relationship whose bounds loosened as Harry grew older. They had fought with and forgiven each other just as Harry knew it was like with fathers and sons.

There was nothing like a time pressure to make one learn cleaning spells quickly, Harry decided. Harry found himself thinking about Sirius' revelations as he went around the room dusting shelves and cleaning curtains. He could tell that Sirius truly had loved Remus, but Harry found it curious that Sirius had said nothing about being attracted to Remus before they slept together. There were a lot more letters and Harry expected to learn more when he was able to read them.

Still, Harry had to admit that he understood Sirius' explanation of why he was driven into Remus' arms. During the winter when Harry was searching for the Horcruxes, after Ron had left them, Harry fought the urge to go to Hermione and take comfort from her body. What drove him was not an attraction to her, but a need to mark himself upon the world at a time of great despair. There were times at night when he felt her eyes upon him and he knew she was thinking it too and would have willingly accepted him. And, although he would have like to believe that it was faithfulness to Ginny that kept him from following that desire, he knew it because he didn't want to lose his friendship with Ron. When he opened the locket, the figures that came out not only represented Ron's fears, but Harry's as well.

Harry finished cleaning the bedroom and was happy with the results. Sun shown through the now sparkling windows, the carpet was clean, and the bed was made. He went down to begin work on the sitting room, which was where he was when Ginny arrived.

"You're not making fast work of this are you?" Ginny commented after hearing that Harry was only working on his second room.

"It's harder than it looks! Besides, I get distracted easily, being here again," Harry told her in explanation.

Ginny seemed to accept Harry explanation and agreed to his offer to forgo cleaning for a few more minutes and take her on a tour of the house. He had already planned to do some future renovations and as they walked from room to room he told her the all of changes he hoped to make to Grimmauld Place. When they finally reached Sirius' room, Ginny lit up. "This is lovely!" she exclaimed.

And it was. The room was large and now very bright. Number Twelve was taller than the other homes in the area and, with windows on three sides the view of the neighborhood was virtually panoramic. As Ginny stood in the window, Harry noticed how the sunlight played upon her face and hair. He walked over to her and kissed the top of her head. She turned to him and Harry kissed her mouth, holding her longer than usual until he felt he body react to her presence. Usually this was his cue to let go of her and change the subject, but on this day he did not. "Stop me," he whispered to her, his lips moving from her mouth to her throat, "Stop me if I go to far, for I don't think I can stop myself."

She backed away slightly from his embrace. "Oh, I won't stop you, Harry," She said with a sly smile, "So you better be prepared to finish what you start." And, as if to punctuate her words, Ginny grabbed fistfuls of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head.

Harry kissed her passionately. The feel of her next to his skin was better than he ever imagined and he had the overwheiming need to feel her skin next to his. He slid her t-shirt out from the waist of her jeans and lifted it off. "Blimey!" he exclaimed, looking at her standing there in her bra and jeans. The dark clothing contrasted against her fair skin, making it appear almost lumniscent in the bright sunshine. "I never expected you to be the black lace lingerie type."

Ginny laughed, "I have many secrets, Harry. If you're interested, I'll be sure to show you a few more."

"I'm interested," he told her, pulling down the straps. "I've always been interested. I just didn't know that you were."

"You could have asked me," she said, reaching behind her to undo the clasp. "I'll always be honest with you."

Harry pulled her towards him. Bare flesh touched bare flesh and he let out a sound of desire, that he knew he had held inside far too long.

As they stumbled towards the bed trying not to break their kiss, Harry envisioned the other lovers who had found pleasure there. He was surprised that, rather than repulsing him, the vision drove him onward, filling him with confidence as he knelt before her, his formerly secret desire now thoroughly exposed.

He placed his glasses on the nightstand and turned towards her. "If you feel compelled later to talk about this to your friends, please don't judge me too harshly," Harry told Ginny before confessing, "This is my first time." And before she could utter words of surprise or encouragement, Harry placed his lips upon hers and lowered himself onto her waiting body.

It was easier than he had imagined. It was as sensual as Sirius had described when he reached out towards Remus and found him waiting. Ginny serendered to his touch, but also brought him to the erotic places that only previously existed in his imagination. Afterwards, while Ginny slept in his arms, Harry contemplated how much his first experience was like that of his father's and godfather's. Like James, he too had felt the love grow strong within him and, like Sirius, he had felt that bursting forth of all things good and beautiful. He wondered if it was the same for all men, of if the three of them had been lucky enough to have found the person that they truly loved.

_To the reviewers: Thanks for your kind words. They really inspire me._


	13. Chapter 12 My Body is a Cage

_A/N: Back to the past. This chapter continues where chapter 10 left off. More angst, more romance and we see a small seed that will lead to Sirius inevitable, yet tragic, destruction; but there will be many more chapters before we get there. _

**12. My Body is a Cage**

The next months slid by quickly. There was homework to catch up on, then a full moon for us to enjoy, followed by the Christmas holidays shortly thereafter. This was my first Christmas away from my family and it was harder than I had thought it would be. I was living on my own then, but the Potters invited me for Christmas dinner. While the dinner was pleasant, the four of us politely passing food did not compare to the Christmases I had been used to.

The Black family always came together for the holidays and Grimmauld Place took on the atmosphere of the Great Hall after a Quidditch win (or loss, depending on how much wine everyone had.) Before dinner the sitting room was full of laughter from my father and uncles as they drank eggnog spiked with firewhiskey. Regulus and I would torture one another until it became really nasty and my father would have to pull us apart. At that point we would forget our differences, become best mates, and begin teasing the girls.

Teasing our cousins was an endless source of entertainment for Regulus and me. Bella was an easy target because she was always good for at least one sensational blow up - more if we could stand the pain. That girl had an unbelivable temper and egging her on was particularly entertaining. Dromeda was more even-tempered and would deflect our barbs, sending us quips of her own. She was very funny and would having us falling all over ourselves laughing. Cissy, because she was the most beautiful and used to the attention of silly boys, would do her best to ignore us. They were my family and, although I hated them and all they stood for, I missed them too.

When we returned in January, there was another full moon and things seemed to return to normal. Normal, except that Remus and I avoided being alone with each other. I used Reve as an excuse to spend time away from the group; however, I was growing annoyed with the slightly distracted way in which she made love, or did anything else. At first I had liked her for her quiet way, but now I felt it masked her inability to say anything meaningful. Fortunately for Reve, I had so far spared her from the Potter inquisition. Not that I thought she had sympathies with the Death Eaters, but because I was sure she had no thoughts at all.

Things were busy as January rushed into February. It was Valentines Day when I walked into the common room at night to see Remus sitting alone. I didn't realize he was asleep until he awoke, startled at my presence, although not awake enough to remember to be embarrassed by it.

"I didn't expect to see you back this evening," he said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"And I didn't expect to see you down here," I replied, sitting in the chair across from him. "Why are you….?" I began to ask, but he signaled with his hands towards the dormitory. "Prongs?"

Remus nodded.

"Not again!" I groaned. True to his word, James had been commandeering our room to spend the night with Lily, displacing the rest of us.

Remus smiled slightly and shrugged. "At least he arranged for me to stay in with the blokes upstairs. He must have bribed them with something. I'm sure you can stay there, too. Prongs must not have expected you to come home at all. Where is Reve?"

"It wasn't a good time for her," I told him, raising my eyebrows knowingly so he would catch on.

"Oh," Remus blushed slightly. He got the point.

"And why aren't you with Sara" I asked him.

"We broke up." He looked down as he said that.

"Really?" I was shocked that I didn't know this. I wondered how long it had been since he and I had had a conversation. "How come? I thought you two were…"

Remus cut across me before I could finish. He spoke loudly and angrily. "Well, we weren't. Everyone thought that just because we are both quiet, both prefects, that we both care about studying, that we were perfect together. Apparently, I was the only one who didn't feel it!"

His angry response took me off guard. "I'm sorry, Mooney. I think we all just wanted you to be happy."

"I know," he said, more calmly now. "It just wasn't going to be with her." He sighed and continued, "The reality is that I am part animal. I need something more than…" He paused, trying to finish his thought, but changed his mind, shaking his head. "It's probably my fault. I led her to believe that I was quiet and reserved. I never told her about the other side of me. And then after my parents died, and after…" he looked quickly up at me, and then away. "I just didn't want to pretend anymore."

We were both quiet, staring at the fire that crackled before us. "I know what you mean," I said finally. "Since…" I paused and looked up, in hope that he would know what I meant. "Since we got back, I feel like I'm just going through the motions with Reve. I like her, but I know I never will like her in the way that James likes Lily."

"Do you ever think about it?" He asked after a moment, looking at me with a slightly pained expression. "Do you think about those three days we spent together?"

"Yes, of course I do," I replied, truthfully. "But I promised you I would never talk about it."

"I know. I just thought things would return to normal after we got back and it's already February and it hasn't. Peter isn't around any more and James is busy with Lily. You're avoiding me, I broke up with Sara, and, God, Sirius, I feel so bloody alone!"

I watched Remus as he sat in the armchair with his eyes closed. I wondered if he was trying to fight tears or if he just could no longer face the new reality of our lives. He had the lonely, lost expression that was reminiscent of how I felt at Christmas when I realized that I wasn't meant for the cordial quiet of the Potter's home, but I no longer belonged in the bacchanalia that was the Blacks, either. Both of us were trapped in new lives that didn't quite seem to fit us.

I got out of my chair, walked over to him and extended my hand. "Come on," I said, suddenly overcome with an impulse I hoped I wouldn't regret, "I don't want to have this conversation here."

"Where are we going?" Remus asked, taking my hand as I pulled him up from the chair.

"Out," I replied as he followed me to the cloak room. I handed him a woolen cloak and grabbed one for myself, then we left the castle.

It was snowing as we crossed the school grounds. We used our wands to cover our tracks as we walked the familiar path. "I can't believe that you want to go there." Remus said to me, his voice tinged with trepidation.

"I couldn't think of anywhere else," I answered as I hushed him. When we got to the tree he touched the knot with a broken branch as he had done so many times before, then we crawled into the passage.

When we got into the shack Remus conjured a fire and we stood before it silently warming ourselves, both of us afraid of what might happen. "There is always going to be this between us, Remus," I said, finally, "but we have to fight it. That's the only chance we have for getting back to the way we were. I can't stand thinking about it all the time and wondering if you are thinking the same or hating me for what we did."

"I don't hate you. I don't even want to…I just want to be back in that moment when I didn't feel alone, when I felt complete."

I can't remember who moved first or if it happened simultaneously, but a moment later we were kissing. His tongue was opened my mouth like a key and then seductively sought out the unique tastes and sensations it had previously found there. I had forgotten how it felt to have a lover who wanted me with the same desparation that I felt. I undid the clasp on his cloak, letting it fall to the ground, and he did the same with mine. Reaching across my back, he pulled my school jumper over my head. I took off his jumper with a similar motion. He worked through the buttons on my shirt quickly and I, frustrated with struggling to do the same, ripped his open, desperate to feel again the crackling, electric feel of his chest against mine. I laughed at myself for believing I could ever forgo this pleasure.

When we made our way over to the bed, things slowed down. I looked upon him as he lay stretched out before me on his back. As roommates, we had seen each other in various stages of undress over the years, but I had never had a chance to really look at him. I hadn't ever been attracted to men and had never before that moment understood why people had found the naked male form, such as the statue of David, so beautiful. Remus was long and thin. His chest was hairless and youthful. I ran my hands along his torso from his chest, to his stomach, and down the soft trail of downy hairs that led from his navel to the place where he was ripe with anticipation. Looking at him like that, so closely and intimately, I felt myself unlocking, shedding inhibitions as I lowered myself and made a circle with my tongue.

Remus broke the silence of the room with a sound that was between a gasp and a wail. I made another circle and he made the same sound, this time sounding more urgent. As I lowered myself to repeat the motion he whispered, "No. Stop. I don't want to finish this way."

"Don't worry," I assured him, moving downward again, "I won't let you. This is just the warm up."

We knew that we shouldn't have been doing this again and that knowledge made us both hold on. When one of us got close, the other took over as the recipient of all things forbidden and erotic. We were more comfortable with each other than we were the last time, more expressive, and more willing to push the boundaries. Perhaps it was because we had nothing to lose. There was no one we would ever admit this too, no one to complain or confess to that our lover did things we never had thought possible.

But beneath it all, beneath the thrilling movements and sensations, was something soft and sensual; a care and tenderness within our touches that was unique among my sexual experiences. While all new lovers give us a sense of fresh excitement, there are few that can reach us in that place which is private and internal. That place in our souls we show to no one. So often we feel our bodies are trapped with no other purpose than to pursue or deny pleasure; but it is when our soul is caressed that our bodies and spirit are truly free.

When we could no longer postpone the inevitable, I clung to him, relishing the intimacy of the moment. I felt the emotions imprisoned inside me break through the bars of their cage and escape through me as I shuddered with passion and relief. I was aware of Remus, similarly enraptured, as I listened to our howls and wails that filled every corner of the Shrieking Shack. I'll never know if it was him or me, but I heard a voice cry out, "Release me! Release me from the pain of being alone!"


	14. Chapter 13 Memories Smolder Desire Burns

_A/N: Bring on the Angst! _

**13: Memories Smolder and Desire Burns**

Dear Harry:

In those days, back when I was young, I found no explanation for what was happening with Remus. I wasn't gay, I reasoned, so I couldn't be in love or attracted to him. It just was. And if there was no explanation for what was happening, I reasoned some more, then maybe there was nothing really there.

As morning dawned outside the Shack, I watched Remus as he tried to repair the buttons on his shirt.

"You really should be doing this," he told me, "since you're the one who ripped them off."

"I'm afraid I can't help you," I said, continuing to dress. "When you're raised by house elves, no one bothers to teach you mending spells."

"Right. I forgot how posh you Blacks are, _Toujours Pur _and all that. OW! That hurt!"

I had hit him with a hex that was like a small electrical shock. "Don't be a baby. It's just a small prick."

"That's not what you said last night." Remus laughed at his own joke.

"Bad, Moony, very bad." And I hit him with a jinx that knocked all of the newly mended buttons off the shirt.

"You bastard!" Remus jumped to his feet, grabbed his wand and we were off, laughing and dueling until I disarmed and cornered him. Trapped, we looked at each other and the reality that we weren't the same people as we were the last time we dueled hit us. We used to be boys, carefree and unaware of a changing world. Now we were on the cusp of manhood, keeping a secret that thrilled us both, but shamed us at the same time. Our smiles faded and he said quietly, "We better go."

Our plan was to tell anyone who asked that I had stolen firewhiskey and we came here to drink it without being caught. If James asked too many questions, we would deflect him by asking about Lily. That always worked. As we walked back through the snow, I said, "I'm thinking of breaking up with Reve."

"Why?" Remus asked.

I wanted to say it was because I wanted someone for whom I felt great passion, someone whose dark secrets matched my own, someone who I could really know and I felt comfortable letting know me. Someone, in essence, like him. But I couldn't say it. I was too embarassed so I just shrugged.

"Well," he continued, "My advice is not to do it. The graduation dance is in a few months and the girls can already talk of nothing else. If you break up with her, they'll be all over you, wondering who you'll ask." By the time we reached the castle, I decided that he was probably right. I couldn't take any added attention right now.

Potions wear off. Spells lose their potency. Even poisons are no longer effective over time. For a while after our encounter in the Shrieking Shack, I felt settled and in control. I didn't feel uncomfortable around Remus or fear that I would end up in bed with him ever again. I convinced myself that it had been a mistake, but everyone makes mistakes and then moves on. Unfortunately, this feeling began to fade and I found myself thinking of the small moments, sensations, and intimacies that had passed between us. I tried to push those memories away by studying harder, running more laps, and spending time with Reve, but they came back with greater and greater frequency.

I was in a darkened, empty classroom with Reve. I undid the buttons on her blouse and slid it off her shoulders. She had nothing on underneath and leaned backward to grant me access to her body. I ran my hands along her skin, drawn to that special part of her breasts where soft met hard. She sighed. It was a typical response from her, but at that moment it irritated me. Where was the passion in her reactions? Was I reaching her at all? Did she care that I spent time trying to please her or did she believe she was doing what I wanted? I felt the fire begin to die out inside of me and tried desperately to concentrate. The sounds of Remus' impassioned gasps came back to me, distracting me even further. This had never happened to me before. I struggled, thinking of what to do next as I leaned forward to kiss her.

There was suddenly a loud knocking on the door. Reve and I both sat up quickly. James cleared his throat. "Sirius?" he called. "Sirius, I know you're in there. We're sorry to bother you but…Reve's head-of-house is looking for her. Slughorn, too. There's some kind of emergency…Reve's grandmother is here and everyone is …"

I opened the door just enough to slide through. James smirked at my disheveled appearance and mouthed "sorry." Remus stood behind him holding the folded parchment of the Marauder's Map. His expression was somewhere between embarrassment and disappointment. I found it ironic that a moment ago I was trying not to think of him and I imagined he believed at that moment that he was the last thing on my mind.

Reve opened the door of the classroom and joined us. She had put her blouse back on and looked a lot less disheveled than I did. Her expression was placid; she wasn't upset or embarrassed. "Where are they?" she asked quietly.

James told her and I offered to walk with her. "I'm sure nothing is wrong," I reassured her, wondering if all kinds of miserable fates to the people she loved were circling in her mind, making her quake with anxiety. But instead she remained calm.

"I know," she said with quiet confidence. "My grandmother has trouble with her visions these days. They all do, now that they're getting older. They need me to help them see. That's why I go home so frequently, in case you've wondered. I suppose whatever they need to see tonight can't wait."

Her words caught me off guard. First, I hadn't wondered why she went away so frequently. I barely noticed. Secondly, because most people, even in the wizarding community, didn't believe in prophecies and visions, so I found it hard to understand why such a fuss was being made to get Reve to her vision-impaired grandmother.

When we came to our destination, Reve knocked on the door. It was opened by her Head-of-House, "Reve!" She said with obvious relief in her voice and a disapproving sideways glance towards me. "I'm so glad you're here."

Reve nodded and entered the room with a dignified confidence I had never noticed in her before. The room was lit with what seemed like as many candles as were in the Great Hall on Christmas. In the middle of the room there was a round table where 4 very old women in white robes sat. Professor Slughorn and Professor Dumbledore were standing next to the table involved in conversation with the women. Slughorn looked particularly impressed, which meant that they must have been important. The conversation stopped as Reve approached. She nodded to both men with an almost regal demeanor and took her place at the table. The two professors backed away and led me out of the room with them, just as I saw the five women clasp each others hands and raise them high in a circle.

"Who are they?" I asked Professor Slughorn as we walked back towards our respective destinations.

"Those ladies are the Delphi sisters. You must have heard of them. All of them have the Gift, which is more powerful when they are together," he replied, proud of himself for having so much information.

"And Reve…"

"Miss Janus is the granddaughter of one of the sisters, Marta, I believe. They need her to strengthen and clarify their visions now that they are older. It's strange, though," Slughorn mused, shaking his head, "They hadn't made many prophecies over the past few years, but recently it seems like they are seeing things all the time. It must have something to do with that fellow causing quite a stir these days, Lord Voldemort he calls himself.

"On another subject, Mr. Black, would you tell that brother of yours that I still expect him to turn in all his missing homework? I'm a patient man, but I will be making him stay for detention if he doesn't do it soon."

This statement about Regulus shocked me nearly as much as what I had learned about Reve. While Regulus and I were close in age, shared a family resemblance, had similar "I-know-everything" personalities, and both played Quidditch; most people seemed to know that we did not really get along. Since we were in separate houses, we rarely talked to each other at school. This rift had grown since my estrangement from my family and now we only glared at each other in the corridors or across the Quidditch pitch; although I noticed that when Regulus looked at me his eyes displayed a mixture of resentment and envy.

I didn't have much time to process these events as I returned to my room and came face to face with Remus. I looked at him and he turned away. "It's not what you think," I told him. "Nothing happened."

"It's you," he said. "Something always happens with you. Anyhow, why would I care? It's your life, your girlfriend."

"You told me not to break up with her!"

"I don't want you to break up with her! I don't care what you do! I just think you shouldn't be so cavalier about it."

"What does that mean?" I shouted at him. But I knew what it meant. We kept lashing out at each other, saying anything that we thought would hurt, but never mentioning those nights when we were together, trying desparately to forget the intimacies that we had shared. Finally, exhausted from this exercise, I said quietly, "Stop. Look Remus, I don't want…"

But I was never able to finish that thought. Just then Peter walked into the room and looked at both of us, trying to figure out what was going on. Remus walked out of the room in angry frustration. Before Peter could ask me what had happened, I went onto my bed and drew the curtains.

"Do you remember that argument?" I asked him last night. I was lying in bed on my stomach, propped up on my elbows as I watched him undress and get ready for sleep.

"Of course. I was so confused back then. I didn't want to be with you, but I couldn't stand the idea of you being with anyone else. I had just had the best sex of my life… well, I was only seventeen so that's not much of a superlative, but it was better than anything I had ever imagined could be and the idea that you were sharing what we had with someone else, drove me insane."

"But I wasn't sharing that with anyone else," I reminded him. He slid into the bed next to me and I savored the warmth of his skin as his leg brushed against mine. "We were stupid then," I sighed.

He turned on his side to face me and lightly scratched my back. "Maybe so, but until two years ago, I thought the stupid thing was getting back into bed with you. I thought I should have walked away then and saved myself from the heartbreak."

"But you would have missed all those magnificent shags." I teased him, turning towards him as I said it.

"That goes without saying." He drew me in closer and we kissed. "But I enjoy making up for lost time."

Our bodies reacted instantly to each other, as they always did. He softly moved me onto my back and kissed my eyes, my lips, my throat, and down, and down, and down.

_To the reviewers: Thank you so much for all of the lovely things you said about the last chapter. I think that one and "The Pain from Scorpions" are the chapters I like the most. I've become a real review slut, so I'll try not to disappoint in order to get more. Going forward there will be more angst, betrayal, tragedy, redemption and lots more of the real reason we read slash. Snape will appear and Tonks will return._


	15. Chapter 14 La Bete Noire

_A/N: Someone has knowledge of a pretty big secret. The title is a French term that literally means the black beast (note the play on Sirius' last name) but also means a something to be avoided._

**14: La Bete Noire**

Dear Harry:

There is nothing worse than the feeling of having been set up; of being the mark in an elaborate con game, as muggles would say. It was legend in Azkaban how I laughed when Peter "caught" me, but that was because I had been there before. I had fallen into a trap and been betrayed. When you find out it has happened, there is no good way to react.

"What is up with you?" James asked me at breakfast one morning. He sounded exasperated. Remus and I were still arguing. Everyday something new set me off and I would rage about one thing or another. I could feel my need for Remus growing inside me, heating me, burning me like fire. It was not the bright, turbulent fire of passion, the type that provided warmth and light; but a ravaging conflagration, consuming all life around it. Remus felt it like scorpions living inside him; crawling under his skin, gnawing on his bones, tearing into his flesh.

"And why did you run away from me yesterday?" Peter asked.

"When did I run away from you?" I questioned. It was possible that it had happened, but recently I welcomed any and every distraction.

"When I saw you in the Slytherin common room talking to Reve."

"Why would Padfoot be in the Slytherin common room talking to Reve?" James weighed into the conversation. "Too much shagging is killing your brain cells, Wormtail, and you don't have that many to lose."

Peter blushed. "Well, it was definitely Reve. I just assumed she was talking to Padfoot, although I didn't get a good look at you, or whoever it was."

We were interrupted by the familiar whooshing of Ministry owls flying into the room. James and I looked at each other and held our breath. We were waiting to hear if we had been accepted into the Auror training program and it looked like today was the day we would find out. As letters were dropped in front of us both I said to James, "You go first."

He nodded. He looked pale as he broke the seal and read. "Damn." His disappointment was obvious.

"I'm sorry, Prongs. I was so sure you…"

"It doesn't matter," James smiled, but I could tell that it did. James had hoped to be able to transfer his enthusiasms into meaningful work fighting the Dark Arts. I didn't understand why he hadn't been selected. His grades were good, not outstanding, but good enough. "You go," he nodded towards me. I had nearly forgotten my own envelope.

I opened the envelope, looked back at James and shook my head. "No."

"Well, then we can drown our miseries together! Good thing it's Hogsmeade weekend. Let's get royally pissed at The Three Broomsticks." James always tried to put a good face on every disappointment.

"Sorry, I'm spending the day with Reve." I didn't really want to, but she had insisted. She rarely insisted we do anything, so I didn't mind giving into her this once.

"Bring her then. Lily and I will meet you at noon. Wormtail, you're welcome too, of course." Peter beamed at being included.

Reve and I were the last to arrive at The Three Broomsticks. Remus was there too as was another friend of Lily's, Mary. I wondered if it was a date or just a coincidence. As Remus had told me before, the girls were all obsessed about the upcoming dance. Reve and I sat with our backs to the entrance, facing Lily and James, on the opposite side of the table from Remus. Once we started drinking I began to relax. Being around Remus made the fire burn hotter, so I welcomed the numbing effects of the alcohol.

I was starting to enjoy myself, allow myself to be entertaining and be entertained by James, when I saw him glance toward the door and do a double-take. James looked at me, his face displaying shock and something like fear. "Padfoot?" He cocked his head toward the door behind me. I turned around to see my father, Orion Black, entering the pub.

I hadn't seen my father in over a year. He was a tall man with a large build. He had dark hair that was longer than most men his age and he wore it slicked back from his face so that it curled at his neck. His widow's peak emphasized his large, grey eyes. He wore a dark traveling cloak and carried a walking stick with a jewel encrusted snakes head at the top. Even if he were not my father, he would have stood out as someone important, someone to be feared.

At first I hoped that he hadn't seen me; that I hadn't been staring at him for too long and caused him to notice me. But it appeared that it was I he was looking for. He walked to our table and greeted me. "Hello Sirius. You are looking well, son."

"How are you, Dad?" I asked with an interest I did not have.

"I am well, but I need to have a word with you. Can we step outside?"

If I hadn't been so shocked, I would have refused, but dutifully I rose. James put his hand on my arm before I left. He looked at me as if to say, "Will you be alright?" I nodded in silent assent. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Remus looked worried and I was happy to have his concern.

We walked in silence down the street. I thought I should say some pleasantry, ask after my mother or other family members, but I could not. I didn't want to know about them. We came upon a park bench and I took the opportunity to confront my father. "So why are you here, Dad"

My father sat down on the bench next to me. "Are you always so suspicious, Sirius?"

"You must admit it seems strange to see you. It has been over a year and you know where I've been."

"That is true," he conceded. "Well, my sources tell me that you were recently admitted to the Auror training program. I wanted to congratulate you on that and to offer you the opportunity to rejoin the family."

I laughed, "Don't you consider those two things mutually exclusive? I couldn't exactly go about defending against the Dark Arts while I'm living amongst them, now could I?"

"Things are changing, Sirius," my father said in a tone that told me he wasn't joking. "Practices that had been outlawed are no longer being practiced in the shadows. Aurors will soon be adapting to that as well. Our family is not as extreme as you'd like to think. Sure, we have some zealots, all families do, but in total, we are traditionalists. The Black family has been around for centuries and keeping some of those traditions, not necessarily all, is important to me and to your mother. We both want our son back.

"Now, I know you and your mother have never gotten along with each other. While I respect my wife, I know she can be difficult and headstrong; but you can too. I know that if you agree to think about coming back to the family, I can smooth things over for her. Please, Sirius, please consider it."

I was reeling. I never expected my father to ask me to come back home, let alone go behind my mother's back to do it. "I …I don't know," I replied when I could breathe properly again. "I was planning to turn down the offer to become an Auror. I wanted to do it to be with James, but... I told James I didn't get accepted."

"When you get to be my age," my father began, "you realize that family is the only thing you can count on. Your friends will find their own paths that may or may not include you and if it does not…" he raised his hands with emptiness, "you are alone. Potter will likely marry his mudblood girlfriend in a few years, have some kids, and then where will you be? You'll tire of the werewolf shortly, too. Those things never last."

Perhaps he was going to continue persuading me but there was something about his tone that made me ask, "What do you mean by that?"

"Really, Sirius," he laughed, "why does every generation think they are the ones who invented sex? Sorry to disappoint you, but it has been around longer than you have – a lot longer. It's natural for young men to have, shall we say, experimental attractions. The ancients did it all the time. In fact, in Ancient Greece, it was considered more masculine for a man to take another man as a lover, than it was to have a woman. Today we think just the opposite. But it is of no matter to me. As long as you are still having women, and I understand you have had quite a few."

I felt as if I had been hit by something cold. My father knew about Remus and me! How could that even be possible? No one knew about it except us. Had Remus betrayed me to my family? Why? Why had he done that? I racked my brain for how I could have hurt him so much that he would chose this way to hurt me back. The only thing that came to mind was when I had exposed him to Snape. I had apologized for that and had been forgiven, but…

I could no longer think. I got up and walked away from my father. He called to me but I walked on, back to where I had left my friends. When I arrived, they were still laughing and drinking. When James saw me, I must have looked terrible, because he jumped up and came to me. "What's wrong? What did he want?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

But my eyes were on Remus. "You told him!" I shouted. "You told him everything, didn't you?"

"Sirius, what happened?" James asked again, frightened by my angry outburst.

Remus' face showed confusion and also fear for what I might say next. His voice was low and steady as he said, "Sirius, I've never met your father. When would I have told him anything?"

Before I answered him I looked around the table. I am so thankful now that I did not open my mouth and expose our secret. Instead, I turned and left to walk back to school.

Reve followed me out and walked along side me. I was thankful for her quiet company. I was seething and did not want to talk about it. It surprised me that when we got out of sight from town she said, "Don't blame your father, Sirius. He just wants what's best for you."

I snorted, "My family never wants what's best for me. It's always them and what they value, which isn't people."

She spoke to me softly, "You're just angry now, but that's not true. You'll see that when you calm down. Regulus values you. It hasn't been the same for him since you left and the pressure of being the heir is too much for him. Your parents understand that, and…"

"Wait a minute," I stopped dead in my tracks. "When did you talk to Regulus?" All of a sudden Peter's question from the morning made sense. Regulus and I looked enough alike that, if you weren't looking too closely to notice that he was smaller and slighter, he could be mistaken for me. "More importantly, why were you talking to Regulus?"

Reve stopped too. She looked down at the ground and turned red. "You don't understand. I needed to do this."

"I don't understand what? You needed to do what?" Everything confused me. I couldn't follow what was going on.

"I need your family, Sirius. I need someone powerful to save me. I thought that I could save my fate by allying myself with you. I know you don't love me, but maybe you like me enough to respect me, to have pity on me." Reve was crying. Her voice was rising louder than I had ever heard it.

"What are you talking about?"

"I see death! Haven't you realized that yet!" Reve was shouting at me. I recoiled at hearing her voice so loud and impassioned. "All I see is how people will die, including myself! I will die at the hands of the Dark Lord! It had been foreseen. But I thought I could change that if I could become part of a family that no one would touch; a family such as yours. I contacted Regulus and your father. I told them how to get you back into the family. They need you. I need you!"

My hands were on my head, which hurt trying to follow her words. "You deceived me," I said finally.

"I deceived you? Oh, that's rich coming from you! I know what you did! I know what you've done with Remus! And then you returned to me as if nothing has changed!"

"But, how…"

"The SIGHT, Sirius! That gift you don't believe in! It's the bane of my life, but it can be useful sometimes."

I stood there looking at her in disbelief and anger. My life had been exposed before her and I had not known. She must have realized she had gone too far because her voice became soft and conciliatory.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought…I have seen that Remus will die thinking of his wife and child. He won't be with you then. What's happening with him now won't last, but I can commit to you. I could join with you, help you, be part of your family and …"

"You're a half-blood!" I said sharply. I sounded like my mother, but I didn't care. I wanted to hurt her. Reve looked like I had slapped her. "Didn't they tell you? Only pure-bloods are welcome in the Black family. They would never have you, nor would I. They only used you, Reve, just as you used me!" I left her crying by the side of the road as I ran back to school.

Reve did die at the hands of Voldemort. He tried to use her to prophesize for him, to get more information about the child who would destroy him. But either she couldn't or wouldn't do that. I am truly sorry that I was unfaithful and betrayed her trust in me. I'm sorry she felt desperate enough to betray me in an effort to save her own life. But I am grateful to her, Harry, eternally grateful, for going to her grave protecting you.

_To the reviewers: Lady A – Dr. Who?, FallingMoon, NyTimes, ShinyObjects – continuing thanks, DaisyChain – thanks for noticing my efforts to create depth and meaning in the relationship._


	16. Chapter 15 Lie Beside Me

_A/N: Aftermath from the previous chapter. James is so confident of his heterosexuality, don't you think? _

_I don't own these characters, I only borrow them. Come back soon! There'll be more._

**15: Lie Beside Me**

When I got back to school I lay down on my bed with the curtains drawn. I stayed that way for a long time. James tried to talk to me, but I told him only that it was Reve who had contacted my father. He didn't ask any more questions. I lay on my back staring at the ceiling throughout the night and into the following day parsing through everything that had happened, trying to make sense.

It was late on the second day when James walked into the room alone and opened my curtains. "Shove over," he told me.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, moving over to give him space. I sounded like I was in agony, which I was.

"Good," he said, lying down next to me, "I don't want to hear about it."

We lay there together with our arms folded across our chests not saying anything. At first I felt tense. Our shoulders touched lightly and I remembered what my father had said about "experimental attractions." After a while I began to relax and felt comforted having him near. "Dumbledore told me," he said finally.

"Which bit?" I asked. There were so many secrets and I wasn't sure to which he was referring.

"The Auror training program, you were accepted," he said.

"Oh, that," I had almost forgotten I had lied to James. "That was your dream, not mine. The thought of what happens after school frightens me and I guess I thought that if we were in training together, it would extend school that much longer."

James continued to stare at the ceiling. "It's a great opportunity. I don't want you to pass it up just because of me."

"I'm not sure it is so great. My father said that things are changing and, if he can be believed, maybe being an Auror these days isn't what we think it is."

"Hmm. This is not the first time I've heard that. What else did he say?"

I paused, trying to recall actual words, beyond the hurt I felt. "He said they wanted me to come back to the family. That my friends will eventually move on and desert me and family will be all I have left. Nice thought, huh?"

"It's a ridiculous thought," James snorted, still not moving from his position. "He just said that because he has no friends. None like you and me, anyway. The man had to marry his own cousin, for Merlin's sake!" I laughed, amazed at James' ability to turn bad things around. "Padfoot," James continued, "I won't desert you. I'm your family now. In fact, I'm better than family or at least much more fun than most families."

"Look," his tone was more serious, "I know I've been distracted with Lily and we've all been busy with everything, but things are going to be different from now on. And if you're sure about not being an Auror, I'll tell you about the offer that Dumbledore made to me and you can tell me if you are interested." With that he told me about The Order of the Phoenix.

It seems that my acceptance into the Auror training program had a lot to do with my family. There was an effort among some new and powerful people at the Ministry to be more lenient on the Dark Arts, which were growing in popularity. The Aurors that were being brought in were expected to have a more flexible attitude and it was (incorrectly) assumed that as a Black, I would be appropriately accepting of the new philosophy. Meanwhile, James' father had retired from the Ministry in protest of these changes. The Aurors who still maintained that the Dark Arts should be contained were short-handed and had approached Dumbledore in hope of a creative solution for providing reinforcements. Dumbledore approached James, and James was working on recruiting some trustworthy friends.

"So I immediately thought about you, Moony, Wormtail, and Lily," James sounded very excited. "This way we don't have to go our separate ways and we'll be doing something useful with our adult lives. What do you think?"

"It sounds great!" I said. And it did

"It's perfect," James said with confidence, perhaps too much confidence as we were about to enter a dangerous world. "Everything is going to be perfect." And with that he reached for my hand and held it by his side. At first I didn't know how to respond to his touch, but after a minute I intertwined my fingers with his.

Harry, it's difficult to describe how I felt about your father, especially since you probably see me now as someone who likes to shag men. But I assure you, that wasn't what existed between James and me. I loved him like a brother, like a twin. While Remus is my complement, my lover, the person who touches my soul, the one I want on the inside; James was the one I wanted outside of me, guiding me, encouraging me. He was a part of me. When he died, a piece of my soul died, too. There are times, Harry, when I feel a similar connection with you. You are a part of him after all and, therefore, I am a part of you.

"So why did you think Moony had talked with your dad?" James asked. In that statement I knew that Remus had said nothing about the basis my accusations.

"After his parents died, I told him some things, private things about my feelings towards my family. I must have told Reve, too." It was mostly a lie, but there was some truth to it.

"Oh. You probably need to apologize to him."

"I know I do. I'll do it soon."

We continued to lie there chastely beside each other on our backs, holding hands, contemplating the future. Eventually Peter walked in and looked curiously at us. "What's going on here?" he asked.

"Should we tell him?" James turned his head to me and asked.

"Sure. Why not?"

"Wormtail: Padfoot and I are in love and are running away together." With that he broke out in wild laughter and I began pummeling him with the pillow. Peter, as always, looked very confused.

James had always been the glue that held the four of us together and excitement over our future in the Order was all we could talk about for the next few weeks. The only one not completely on board was Lily, who had received a job offer making potions in a shop on Diagon Alley. Slughorn had written her the recommendation. "That's easy for you to say, Potter," she retorted when James tried to convince her to turn the job down. "Some of us have to earn our gold." We were all sitting together outside the castle, enjoying the good weather.

"I have plenty of gold and I'm happy to share," James said, trying to put down her argument.

"I'm not taking your money," Lily scoffed. "Woman's got to earn her own in this world."

"Then marry me and it'll be yours." James said. He was smiling and I could tell he was serious, if only a little. Lily brushed him off with a laugh, but I could tell she was considering the offer. They became engaged a few months later and in a much more private setting.

Despite the fact that I was looking forward to joining the Order, the fire continued to rage inside me. I fought through the pain stoically in an effort to keep my friends from thinking that my father and Reve had sent me completely around the bend. There were times I would catch Remus' eyes in see the pain in them as well. I wondered how much longer it would last or, like a monk in a hair shirt, I would wear my suffering forever.

It was on the night of the Graduation Dance when the pain finally went away. Since I no longer had a date, I did not attend. I went instead down to the lake. Music from the castle floated over the water. The night was moonless and I sat under the beech tree alone. A figure came towards me in the darkness and I knew it was him. "Why aren't you at the dance?" I asked him.

"I tried to enjoy myself, but I'm not up for it tonight." He sat down next to me. "I didn't expect to see you here. I figured you'd be having a pint at the Hogshead right about now."

"I wasn't up for making conversation with strangers tonight. It'll be a while before I can trust people again." I sighed and we were both quiet.

"Sirius, how did Reve…know?" Remus had obviously put the pieces together. Reve had talked to my father and I indicated that my father knew "everything."

"I don't know. You know I think divination is bullocks, but my grandmother Melania once told me that seers don't actually see so much as they feel the emotions and tremors of changes in advance of those changes, and then interpret what they think it means. Instead of seeing death, what they actually feel are the emotions that occur right before a person dies, when the person realizes the change (death) is going to happen. Maybe she picked up on a change in me or the emotions when we..." I didn't feel I needed to finish the thought.

"I was really worried that you were going to say something when we were in the pub. It made me realize what a mistake we made. Having a secret like that hanging over my head in addition to the werewolf business is just too much for me. I can't live with any more fear of exposure."

"I know. Reve told my dad in the hope he would use it to blackmail me. She believed that I wouldn't want the word getting out and would do what my dad asked. What she didn't count on is that my dad didn't think it was such a bad thing."

"You're kidding?"

"No. Odd, isn't it?" I was quiet as I thought about what to say next. "I hate to admit this but, for a moment right before he told me that he knew, I was contemplating going back to them. The thought that maybe he loved me as his son almost won me over. It was when he mentioned you that I realized I had been set up. I'm sorry that I blamed you. I should be thanking you, not only for forgiving me for accusing you, but because it was our secret that saved me from them."

As I spoke the words I turned towards him and even in the darkness I could see his eyes and felt them reach deep within me, pulling me towards him. "We can't" he whispered as I felt myself drawn closer.

"I know," I whispered back, my mouth inches away from his. The earth under the tree smelled rich and verdant. There was a light, cool breeze coming off of the lake as I kissed him softly. His lips met mine without hesitancy. Within moments it was clear that the vow we had just made to deny ourselves was going to be broken.

Our kisses were unhurried and gentle, like our first kiss. Gradually they became deeper, but never took on the force of the last time. We knelt before one another and took off each bit of clothing, one piece at a time, exploring the newly exposed skin with our fingers and tongues. It was slow and erotic, like a dance to which only we knew the steps. The damp, peat scent of the earth mingled with the smell of his masculinity as I moved my mouth along his body. As I lay back upon our discarded clothes, he ran his fingers along my thighs and I arced my back, aching with desire. "Now!" I whispered urgently, "I can't wait any longer!"

He lay down beside me and I was keenly aware of how every inch of his skin felt against mine. Every nerve in my body was electrified, turbulent, burning. Our bodies connected. Our souls touched. The passion, the need, the desire, and every emotion, named and unnamed, raced inside me struggling to be brought to the surface. I felt myself flying up with him, speeding into the velvet darkness, higher and higher until I burst like fireworks, showering my brightness and beauty over all.


	17. Chapter 16 Show Love with No Remorse

_A/N: These next few chapters describe events that take place during the First OOTP and how it affected Remus and Sirius' relationship._

**Chapter 16 – Show Love with no Remorse**

Dear Harry:

Last night was the full moon and Remus slept for nearly 24 hours as a result of the wolfsbane potion. He woke up in the mid-afternoon and I brought him up some tea and toast. He sat in bed, propped up by pillows, while I sat at the foot of the bed, my back supported by one of the posts. Remus' face was ashen and his grey hairs appeared more pronounced. When I see him looking like this it reminds me not only of our mortality but also of all the time we have wasted.

"When did you first realize you loved me?" I asked him as he drank his tea.

Remus thought about it for a moment, "It was a gradual thing. There were several times when I knew."

"But when was the first time?"

"That's what I'm saying: there were several first times."

I laughed, wondering if the potion hadn't completely worn off. "You can't have several first times. That's like being a virgin more than once."

"I've done that, too!" He was teasing me now, I could tell.

"Alright, you win. Tell me all of them."

"Do you remember when we were at Hogwarts and we made love outdoors, under the beech tree? Well, I think I blacked out during it. I remember it building inside me, then begin to release and the next thing I knew I woke up and it was over. I thought to myself a reaction that strong had to be love." Remus shifted slightly on the pillows and grimaced with pain.

"I think I blacked out, too, now that you mention it," I smiled remembering how I felt, soaring into darkness.

"But then, when we joined the Order, I began to think that it wasn't love; it was just all those months of waiting, those months of celibacy that I reacted to. It was just good sex. So I put it out of my mind and concentrated on my work for the Order."

When I left Hogwarts, I told myself that could no longer have Remus. As I watched the gates of the castle close behind me, I saw a long chapter of my life close as well. I entered as a child, raised with the belief that I was special because I had been born into an ancient, pure, and noble family. I left as a man - a man without a family, a man whose intitimacies, indiscretions, and crimes were now locked behind the gate of youth. I was a man with his whole, unwritten life ahead of him. And although the pages of my future lay empty and cold before me, I was determined not to fill them by visiting that warm place within Remus' embrace.

That first summer the Order was exactly what we thought it would be. It was like an adventure school, but with no homework or tests. We were the youngest members, since we were right out of school, but several of the other members were not that much older. Everyone had lots of energy, enthusiasm, and a hatred of the Dark Arts that matched James'. We felt right at home.

In our spare time, James and I continued to practice Quidditch and we kept up running laps. I bought a flying motorbike to keep me occupied, as James did spend a lot of time with Lily. James and I would take the motorbike out and fly noisily low over my parents' house. Even today when I hear a helicopter fly overhead, I smile remembering those days; the time before Order business got very dangerous and time for fun became small to non-existent.

But even in those first glorious days, my nights were tormented with memories of Remus. I awoke from sleep remembering the feel of his strong arms pulling me close. I burned inside when I recalled how our passion roused the animal within him and how that animal writhed when I captured him beneath me. Alone in the darkness, my need for his tenderness grew and I wanted more than anything to be one with him, to share the inimate knowledge of his body and soul, to let him know me as a vulnerable lover, and to allow him to build me again with his compassion.

And so it should not have been a surprise when, looking into my eyes with a need that mirrored my own, he whispered, "Please, Sirius. Help me find myself again," that I went to him without hesitation. Once more, I took in his scent, his touch, his taste. I listened intently to the sound of his cries, hoping that they would echo forever in my brain. I laughed when the prickly stubble of his beard scratched my skin raw, as if branding me as his own. I let my fingers trail along his soft, damp skin, through his course hair, finally lingering on those warm, secret places that brought us both so much excitement. I let his mouth discover every inch of me so my taste could whet the wolf's ravenous appetite. Desire took us both, but in it's grasp I saw that with him beside me, inside me, healing me, comforting me, pleasuring me, making me the man I wanted to be, the pages of my unwritten life were not destined to be cold and empty, but would be filled with warmth and joy.

The Order members were divided into tasks based on skill and their ability to "pass" as muggles. Lily and Remus were on the "passing" team since Remus was a half-blood whose parents lived among muggles and Lily was muggle-born. They were worked in areas where they would have access to a lot of information on curious disturbances in the muggle world. Remus worked at a newspaper taking stories from wire services and Lily worked as a clerk in the office of the Minority Leader of the House of Commons; a woman who soon after became Prime Minister. James and I supported the Aurors in any way we could, including monitoring suspected Death Eaters. There was some switching back and forth between groups and occasionally Remus or Lily would join James and me when we needed extra hands. Peter kept a low profile, and to be truthful, I don't remember what he did - a bad sign in hindsight.

"So then," Remus continued, "as I worked in the muggle world, I got more exposure to things. I met more people and I got to be friends with my co-workers at the newspaper. I began to question why I was with you. After all, I wasn't a bloke who liked other men. I worked with gay men and I could tell that wasn't who I was. I decided that the reason I had slept with you was because I hadn't had much experience with women. So I started a relationship with a woman at work in the hope that I could stop seeing you."

"But weren't we still…" I began to interrupt.

"Well, I wasn't good at keeping up my resolutions," Remus laughed. "I was young. I was exploring my options and so was she. She was pretty experienced and very good in bed. We had a good time, but she wasn't you. I didn't feel the same connection with her that I felt with you whenever we were together. There was no intimacy, nothing that made it feel special." Remus paused, "Do you remember Lily and James' wedding?"

"Of course," I remembered everything about it. James was so happy that he was almost giddy with excitement. Lily was beautiful as she walked down the aisle adorned with lilies as rose petals magically floated in the air. I was the best man and was nearly as excited as the two of them. I made the wedding toast and danced with several lovely wedding guests. Once during that night I walked past Remus and our fingers accidentally brushed. And, like that first time we kissed, we stayed where we were brushing, intertwining, separating, and brushing again. A silent agreement passed in a look between us. "We went back to my flat and made love until dawn."

"And that was the next time I knew I loved you." Some color was returning to Remus' face and I was happy to see him look a little more animated.

"Because I could shag all night?" I laughed.

"No, you're missing the point. I had learned that anyone can shag all night, but not anyone could make me feel the way you did. With you I felt complete, whole, strong … well, everything I still feel when I'm with you." We smiled at each other, knowingly, "But the shagging 'til dawn was great, too," he admitted.

It is sad to me now, Harry, that in those early days, those days before I went to Azkaban that Remus and I made love without acknowledging that. We recognized out need for one another, but tried to ignore our deeper connection. We never talked about why we kept seeking each other out, as if talking about it was admitting to some horrible weakness. He would make excuses to show up at my flat and I would act surprised to see him. Afterward, we would mumble apologies and make commitments not to let it happen again. But I felt free with him; free to explore the heights and depths of sexuality, free to express my enjoyment, free from judgment.

"But then," he said, his smile fading, "Things changed and I felt I didn't really know you after all. I thought I had made a mistake; I had mistaken love for lust once again."

When people started dying, the serious nature of what we were doing started to sink in. We all knew that the work was dangerous and we were all prepared for to die for the cause, but we were young and didn't truly expect death to be an outcome. When our people died it was tragic, but when Death Eaters died we felt badly too. Many had been our classmates, too stupid to realize what they were mixed up in, or their family members who we also knew. I worried about Regulus, who I heard had joined the Death Eaters and I tried to get as much news as I could about my other family members without appearing too interested. Although unrelated, James' mother died of old age and his father followed not long after. The loss of two people who had been so kind to me, hit me hard, but not as hard as it did James, whose happy bravado was starting to fade. I grew angry and bitter, not only because Voldemort only appeared to grow stronger, but because of what the changes in the world were doing to my friend.

"And was I able to redeem myself in your eyes after that?" I asked, rhetorically.

"Yes. It was after Harry was born and James and Lily made you his godfather. When you held him, when you looked at him, you had such love in your eyes. Watching you in that church, I saw that you were indeed the person I thought you were. You had so much love, but you didn't always show it. I realized that you had allowed me to glimpse that side of you, but I was too conflicted about what we were doing to allow myself to see it.

"Right after that I tried to change. I tried to open myself up to you a little more in the hope that you would start to trust me. I wanted you to show me that loving side of you more often, but my efforts appeared to have the opposite effect. You seemed to grow angrier, more suspicious. I wondered if I had been incorrect again and you didn't want me in the way I needed you. Right before James and Lily died we had started to talk about it, so I was hopeful that we might resolve some things; but then you were gone. Nothing makes you reconsider your judgment than learning that the person you thought you loved is a murderer who betrayed his best friend.

"But even then, I remembered how you looked at Harry. That look was so real, so genuine, so loving. When I was at Hogwarts and everyone thought you were coming to kill him, I couldn't quite believe it. That's why I was able to put together the pieces of what Peter had done so quickly when I found out he was still alive; because, in a part of me, the story never made sense. But when I saw you in the shack with Harry, when I disarmed him, helped you off the floor, and held you for the first time in so many years, that is when I knew, when I was absolutely sure that I loved you and would always love you."

Remus had finished his tea and I got off the bed to collect his empty cup and saucer to bring them back to the kitchen. "Can you do that later and stay with me now?" he asked.

"Aren't you tired?" I asked. I had thought he would want to go back to sleep.

"I am, but more than that, I just need you to hold me"

I climbed back onto the bed and let him rest his head in the hollow under my shoulder, both of us thinking how lucky we were to be here, together, finally.

Tonks came over this evening to keep me company and to see how Remus was feeling in the aftermath of the full moon. He had regained some strength and came down to join us in the sitting room. We kept her entertained with stories of our days as Animagi and our early years in the First Order and she made us laugh telling us what it was like to work for Mad-Eye. In reality, I think Tonks comes over because she wants to spend more time with Remus. I can tell she fancies him, although Remus doubts that. She looked beautiful tonight. Her hair was long, blond, straight, and she drew it over her left shoulder so that the tresses spilled across the front of her robe. She looked eerily like her aunt, Cissy Black, who you probably know as Mrs. Lucius Malfoy.

Eventually Remus grew tired and went up to bed. When Tonks was ready to leave, I walked her to the door.

"It's very kind of you to take care of Remus as you do," she said as she kissed me good night.

"An old habit," I shrugged.

"He's …" Tonk's cheeks took on a deeper shade of pink as she continued, sounding somewhat more serious than she had all night. "He, I mean, I've recently realized how great Remus is. He has such a good attitude about everything. Even when I'm feeling down and desperate at how bad things are, he makes me feel better. I'm so happy when he and I get to work together. When he's sick like this..., well, I miss him." Tonks looked up at me as she said this, hoping perhaps that I would give her some words of encouragement.

Instead I said, "I don't think he's your type."

She smiled at me as if I were some old-fashioned and over-protective uncle, "I don't think we Blacks have a type."

I smiled back, "Or perhaps we do, more than you know."

_Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. I hope I continue to make you as happy as you make me._


	18. Chapter 17 Lovers in a Dangerous Time

_A/N: If you follow cannon timeline (and I do) there are just over 3 years from the time Sirius finishes Hogwarts until he is sent to prison. In that timeframe the four Marauders go from being the best of friends to Sirius suspecting that Remus is betraying them. And, of course, Harry is born and becomes the target of Voldemort._

**17. Lovers in a Dangerous Time**

Dear Harry:

You were conceived the night I killed my first Death Eater and I realized I was in love with Remus. It must strike you as odd, these three things together: the finality of death, the enduring strength of love, and the hope of new life. For me, today, it is that which ties together you, me, and Remus, in some strange yet perfect way. The only difference is that the death that lives with me today is not the one from that night, but the tragic loss of your parents.

When we joined the Order, one of things we were looking out for was strange occurrences in the Muggle world. Specifically, any bombings or other disturbances that were usually attributed to the Irish Republican Army, which may have other, more magical origins. We were also concerned with the Royal Family of Great Britain because any danger or disaster that befell them could have a large destabilizing effect on the entire country; something we knew the Dark Powers wanted to do.

As you know, the Queen travels to open the new session of Parliament in October or November of every year. This year we had some intelligence that her travel was to be interrupted by Death Eaters waiting for her along the route. All Order members broke into groups to seek them out. My group included Mad Eye Moody and another Auror, Alice Longbottom. James and Lily were in a group with Alice's husband Frank.

By this point we had been in the Order for just over a year. We were well aware of the dangers involved in our work, but this time there was a heightened sense that what we were facing was more serious than usual. We stayed with our groups, scanning the crowd, searching for signs of them. Moody saw it first. It was a ripple in the crowd, as if an invisible pebble had been dropped into a pond. "Invisibility cloak," he mouthed. I looked and saw another ripple, right near the first as the Death Eaters made their way closer to the parade route.

Our instructions were to get them off the street and into an old building that was nearby. We were concerned that the Muggles lining the streets would see what we were doing, so we worked stealthily, trying not to call attention to ourselves. For once, we outnumbered them, which allowed the three of us to move the two of them without too much difficulty. James' group was already in the building, which was empty due to the parade. We had learned that this was their base of operation for that day and, if the plan on the ground failed, another attack on the Queen would come from a second string of Death Eaters who were waiting, ready to take over.

Once we were off the street and under cover, Mad Eye and Alice disarmed, questioned, and readied our captives for transport. They were incredibly skillfull and this didn't take too long. "We can take it from here, Sirius," Alice told me. "Why don't you go find Frank and the others to see if they need any help?" I could tell from her voice that she didn't expect there to be any problems, but she thought I might want to check in with my friends.

I didn't know exactly where they were in this large building so I ran up several flights of stairs, checking floor by floor to find them. I wasn't worried; rather, I was anxious to tell James and Lily what we had done to stop the attack. I was actually feeling quite confident when I opened the door. The scene before me was nothing I expected to see.

James was on the floor on my left. His face was bleeding and his wand was no where to be seen, but he was conscious. A Death Eater lay stunned beside him. Frank and another Death Eater were on my right, but I couldn't see what they were doing, for I was too focused on the scene in front of me. A third Death Eater was holding Lily by the back of her hair, his wand at her throat.

All eyes shifted quickly towards me as I entered the room. I didn't even think. I just pointed my wand and said the Killing Curse and he dropped. It wasn't graceful and there wasn't a chance for me to take back what I had done. He was just dead. One second he was a living, evil force, in the next moment he was nothing.

Lily screamed as the Death Eater limply and heavily fell away from her. After her scream, I heard nothing more, only silence. I dropped to my knees in disbelief that I could have done such a thing. In the silence, I saw James get up and run to Lily. I could see their lips moving, the blood still wet on James face, and their expressions of fear and relief, but I heard nothing. In the confusion, Frank was able to subdue the Death Eater nearest to him and he then walked over calmly to check the corpse. When he was satisfied, he walked over and knelt in front of me, saying words that I couldn't hear. I had no thoughts other than that I had taken a life.

All of a sudden the sound returned as I continued to kneel on the hard floor and look blankly at Frank. "Sirius? Sirius?" he was saying, "Is my wife alright? Sirius, Is Alice with Moody? Did they go back to the Ministry?"

I nodded, since speech eluded me. Frank seemed satisfied, and went about his work. Then I became aware of Lily and James. Lily's head was buried in James shoulder as she sobbed. James was crying too. He wept with a raw emotion I had never heard before. It was the sound of a heart breaking, or of an open wound bleeding out pain and fear. He ran his hands through her long red hair, across her face, around her neck, as if he couldn't touch her enough or as if she might disapparate any minute.

I had known he loved her. I had heard him say it so many times to me, to her, to nearly everyone who would listen. He said it in his wedding vows. But it was then, in that dreary storage room, with the smell of death permeating every corner, that I saw the breadth of his love. I saw that his love for her was not just about her being pretty, or how she fearlessly stood up to him all those years, or even about sharing the same values. She was not some beautiful trophy he had won, because love was not a game to him. He loved her because she was the one to whom he could just be himself. He didn't have to be brave or funny or responsible with her. She saw into his soul because he opened himself and let her. She accepted him at his most vulnerable, at his weakest point, and stood beside him, making him stronger, making him that man he was meant to be. If he lost her, he would lose himself.

In watching them together I saw what true love is. I saw love beyond beauty, beyond gender, beyond the facade of perfection. I saw that love was as much about the deepest, darkest parts, as it is about those heroic, shiny place that we show to others in hope of finding love. Love was about acceptance and forgiveness and it was not rational. Love was what filled me when I was empty and mended me when I was broken. Love was a sacred bond between two people and spoke in a language that only they could understand, although its meaning was universal. I saw that love was what flowed from that dark core inside me, giving me hope, strength, and goodness. And I saw that the person I loved was the one who broke that core, who gave love freely to me and took it gently from me.

Whereas it took Remus several times to realize his love for me, it was in that one moment when I found my love for him. I understood then that it had always been there, hiding in the perifery of my vision. It had been in me when I slept next to him that first night, holding him, sharing his grief. It was in me when I moved towards him that first time, took his face in my hands, and kissed him, knowing somewhere deep inside that he would not refuse me. When I watched James cry, I saw the same depth of emotion that I felt when I made love to Remus under the beech tree at Hogwart, trying to hold on to that one thing that kept me warm and safe in a cold, uncertain world.

Keeping my secret from James had made me feel guilty. We were best friends after all and he was under the false impression that we shared everything. I hated deceiving him in that way. But that night I learned that we would never share everything, that Lily held a part of him that I would never know. That night I glimpsed that secret piece of his being and it felt almost indecent, like seeing a stranger naked. James and Lily's love belonged exclusively to them. It was private, unknowable to all other people, including me. For a brief, enlightened moment I saw that James and I were exactly the same. We both had shared intimate knowledge of ourselves with another. We were both in love.

"Why don't you two go," Frank said to James and Lily. "Sirius and I can handle things here."

James wiped his eyes and nodded. Still refusing to let go of Lily, he continued to hold her closely as they disapparated.

When they had gone, Frank turned to me with a smile of experience and said, "Love. It makes this job harder sometimes, but ultimately makes it bearable."

After we had finished cleaning up and bringing our captives to the Ministry, Frank took me out for a drink. "It's your first kill," he said. "I know it can be tough."

"I vomited my first time," he told me over glasses of firewhiskey. "Then I proposed to Alice."

"How Romantic," I laughed, sarcastically.

"Oi, when she's helped you clean up your own vomit then you know she's in it for the long term," he laughed. "You know she doesn't expect you to be a knight in shining armor and that she wants you as you are, even if you are just a frog. Do you have a girlfriend, Sirius?"

"Several," I replied, finishing my drink and signaling for another. "No one special."

"Well, if you want my advice, find someone and find her fast. It's just going to get harder and more dangerous. Not just the killing, you'll come to accept that you need to do it sometimes, but this war is just going to get worse. The so-called Dark Lord is more powerful than most people realize. Ever heard of a woman by the name of Bellatrix Lestrange?

"Er, I think so," I lied, looking into my drink, wondering where this conversation was going.

"She's a very committed Death Eater, married into a family of stanch supporters of You-Know-Who. She's from a family of Dark Wizards as well, although I can't remember the name. Anyhow, Alice reckons she's quite a force behind the throne, so to speak. Alice thinks that it's sexism within the Ministry that underestimates Mrs. Lestrange's power. She's on quite a tear, my Alice, trying to learn everything she can about this woman so that we have the best chance at bringing her down. Once we get to Bellatrix, Alice says, we're just a hair away from You-Know-Who.

"She's related to the Malfoy's too, but I can't remember how exactly…" Frank drifted off and I sat there uncomfortably, wondering if I should have confessed to my family relationship. Instead I shifted the conversation to the more neutral subject of Quidditch.

I should have gone to Remus that night. I should have gone to him and told him. I should have brought to him the dessert of my soul and let his tenderness rain down upon me, showering me with love and understanding until I lay cool and quenched in his arms. We should have held each other, cried together, and loved together. But I stayed away. I didn't want him to see me the way I had witnessed James, exposing my emotions, naked before him. I had been vulnerable with Remus before, but I tried to separate myself from the vulnerabilities brought on by passion. After all, I reasoned, I didn't choose to sleep with him; it just happened time after time. Going to Remus knowing that I loved him was too dangerous. I ran the risk of learning that he didn't love me and would laugh at my declaration. No one had ever really loved me and I didn't expect that he would be any different. My family had wanted me only as their heir, Reve had wanted me as her savior, I told myself that Remus just wanted me for the momentary pleasure I brought to him.

Instead I went home alone. I sat in the window of my flat looking into the night wondering where this revelation would take me. He was a man after all; how could possibly be in love with a man?

_Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. Thank you, Clare Mansfield!!_


	19. Chapter 18 Sing in the Silence

_A/N: Remus's secret will not turn out as you might think – trust me. _

**18. Sing in the Silence**

Dear Harry:

You are probably still wondering how I know such an intimate detail of your life. A few weeks later I was at an Order meeting that was held early in the morning when James came in and sat beside me. "Where's Lily?" Emmeline asked, passing us both cups of tea.

"Oh, right, she's not feeling well. Sorry that she couldn't make it today." James replied with an artificial cheeriness that I was sure only I could detect.

"You don't look so well yourself," I said to him. It was true. He was extremely pale and his eyes had a nervous, fearful quality to them. In addition, James was a charismatic person who always entered a room in style. The fact that he could slip right in next to me without anyone noticing was very strange.

"Lily's late," he said to me in a low voice over his teacup.

"Late for what?" I asked blowing on the hot liquid before sipping.

"Late," he paused. "You know, late…and sick," he looked hard at me, while my eyes questioned him. What was he talking about? "Sick and late, come on, Padfoot, don't be dense." The corners of his mouth started to twitch. I choked on the tea I had just swallowed.

"Sirius is choking. I'll take him to get water," James told the group, pointing to me, stating the obvious, as I continued to choke and dragging me towards the kitchen. "Start without us. We'll catch up."

When we got to the kitchen he let go of me and pounded my back until my coughing fit stopped. "Pregnant?" I whispered.

"I think so," James ran his hands through his hair, ruffling it as he did when he was nervous. "She seems pretty sure and all the signs are there." He began to pace nervously around the kitchen.

"Are you okay with this?" I didn't really know what else to say. Polite sentiments like 'congratulations' didn't come to me at that moment.

"Of course, I just…" he stopped pacing and threw his hands up, "I didn't think it would happen this fast. I thought I'd have time to think about it first." He resumed pacing.

I snickered "You know you must have done something else besides thinking, don't you?"

James pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat down, placing his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do, Padfoot. I'm happy but I'm so, so scared."

I pulled out another chair and sat next to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. Looking back at it now, Harry, I see how young we were then although we thought we were so mature. James was only 19, closer in age to you now than to me, and there he was facing the responsibility of a baby.

My best friend role and the words associated with it came back to me then. "Don't worry, Prongs. You'll be a great dad."

"Do you really think so?" James asked, picking up his head and smiling at me slightly.

"Of course I do. So what brought this about? Other than the obvious, I mean. Did you plan it? I take it's not a complete surprise."

"Do you remember that night in the warehouse, the night you killed that Death Eater?"

I nodded, "I can't seem to forget." It was true. He fell before me often in my nightmares.

"Right before you arrived, I thought Lily might die. There really wasn't anything any of us could have done to save her. Frank couldn't free his captive because that man was too important to send back to Voldemort. I know we all agreed we would die for the cause if necessary, I just didn't think it was going to happen, and especially not to her. If I were to lose her, Padfoot, I don't…" he started to choke up and shook his head, looking away.

James cleared his throat and continued. "So, it made me think about Lily and me. If she were to die or if I did, what would be left of us? My parents are dead now and, while I still think about them, they're really gone. I'm the only thing left to prove that they were here in the world. There is nothing that marks how much Lily and I love each other. If one of us was gone, there would only be a memory and that memory would fade, no matter how hard we tried to keep it. I wanted to make a mark, to prove to the world that I was here and I loved her with all of my life." He sounded so passionate, like the time he described to me how he felt when he first made love to her. It also reminded me of what had driven me to Remus in the first place; that desire to imprint myself and my past upon an uncertain future.

"So, you went home and made a baby?" I tried to lighten the mood and it seemed to work.

"Well, I'd like to think I was more romantic than that!" James said with a big grin, finally.

"Everything is going to be okay, Prongs. You have Lily and soon you'll have the baby, and you'll always have me. This is really wonderful news."

All new fathers are nervous, Harry, and James was no different. But after that day, he had no more doubts. He would tell anyone who would listen about your expected birth and, when you arrived, I don't think I had ever seen him happier.

Frank was right that the days just grew darker and we became hardened to the losses. Most days I found it hard to see in James the young man who spoke so excitedly to me about joining the Order. Like the rest of us, his eyes grew dull with the pain. But you, Harry, provided us with that one shining light, and the thought of creating a better world for you to live in gave us reason to go on and not succumb to the evil that was so temptingly easy before us.

Right after you were born, your parents had us over to their house in Godrics Hollow for Sunday dinner.

"So Wormtail, is Charlotte pressuring you?" James asked with a mischievous smile. Lily had left the table to check on the baby.

"What? Why…why would she be pressuring me? She's not pressuring me!" Peter stuttered, obviously flustered by the question.

"Someone protests a tad too much, don't you think Prongs?" I laughed. Remus laughed too, watching Peter reddening face.

"What I meant, Wormtail," James looked over his shoulder to make sure Lily had not returned, "is she talking about marriage, wanting a baby? Once one of them does it, the rest of them seem to follow."

"Oh, right, um, a little I guess," Peter squirmed. "I think she thinks I'm a lost cause in that respect. Padfoot's the one you should be looking at. He dates a lot of women. He's bound to meet someone who'll have him before long." He slapped me on the back, happy to have the attention off of himself and onto me.

"Doubtful," I said, sipping from my wine glass. "I'm not responsible enough to be a father. Moony, on the other hand, is responsible AND he likes kids." It was true. Remus even then seemed to truly understand children.

"Of course, I can't have them so it's a pretty safe bet I won't be next." Remus replied, similarly jovial.

"What does that mean?" asked Lily, who had just returned to the table in time to hear the last part of the conversation. The rest of us stared at Remus, not knowing whether or not he was serious.

"Werewolves are sterile," Remus said, looking at our stunned faces, "I'm sorry, I thought you knew."

"Werewolves in general or you in particular?" James had a concerned tone and was focused very closely on Remus.

"What's the difference?" Peter asked.

"The difference," James said, looking sharply at Peter, "is whether Moony just read this in a book or whether he knows it to be a definite, tested medical anomaly about himself."

Remus was obviously uncomfortable being the subject of this conversation. "Nature doesn't like mutations and won't reproduce them. It's simple biology, really. And it's a good thing; I wouldn't want to be able to pass on this foul disease. I've learned to accept it. It's not an issue for me."

"That's not true about Biology," I argued. "Plants are cross-pollinated all the time…"

"I'm not a plant," Remus said quickly. "Werewolves are not a naturally occurring phenomenon. It's like cross-breeding two different animal species. They are always sterile. Look, it just isn't going to happen for me. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"If you want my advice," said James, who would not accept Remus' defeat, "you should get tested just to make sure. You shouldn't go around thinking you can't have something you want."

"And there are other ways to have kids you could investigate," I added.

"Could we stop talking about this, please?" Remus pleaded.

There was a brief silence as we all stared down at our plates. "How does that work, exactly?" Peter asked, breaking the quiet. "Getting tested, I mean. Do you have to…"

"Who wants cake?" Lily interrupted standing up and starting to clear the table.

After dinner I followed Remus back to his flat. He was quiet and I was still thinking about what we had discussed. I hadn't known that about him. Marriage and families was the last thing on my mind. I had never really thought about what Remus's plans or dreams were.

"Would you like a drink?" he asked me, trying to sound casual. When we were alone it always began awkwardly, both of us trying to avoid knowing what was going to occur.

"Remus, I want you to be happy. I never thought we would …you know, keep at it like this for so long. I thought you'd meet someone, a woman, and marry and have a family and everything. James is right. If that's what you want, you should find out if you can have it. Don't let what happens between us keep you from doing that."

Remus looked at me. His expression was animal-like and defensive. "There's nothing between us," he said in a low voice, like someone hunted. "You're only my part-time shag."

Once when I was a child, I accidently picked up a knife by the wrong end. Before I realized what I had done, I was aware only of the pure feeling of pain, how it seared the palm of my hand, boiled my nerve endings, until it engulfed my entire being. His words cut me just like that knife had; I felt the pain before I even knew what happened. Until that very moment I hadn't realized how much I wanted him to love me, to think of me beyond the physical man who gave his body pleasure. He hurt me and I felt the sharp, white blade of his words stab me behind my eyes and they blazed with anger as I answered him.

"Right. This is nothing." I hissed.

He approached me then, his expression unchanged, and kissed me with an angry force. Our teeth smashed together and soon the salty taste of his mouth told me that we had drawn blood. I pushed him up against the wall sharply and felt a fine spray of plaster rain down upon us. Despite the ardor of our embrace, I felt empty. He reached for my clothes and I grabbed his arms and forced them away from me and up against the wall. I wanted to punish him for not loving me, just as I wanted to force him into realizing that he did. It was an unhealthy way to find love, I knew that, but I was hurt and lashing out, just as I had done for so many years when I felt my family didn't love me.

He must have used a non-verbal spell because I then felt my clothes begin to undo themselves and fall away. I pulled my mouth away from his and swore loudly. He laughed and used my confusion to overpower me. We crashed together across the room. He held my head in his hands and forced his mouth onto my throat, sucking me with a force that was sharp like a bite. He ran his fingers roughly through my hair. Usually I welcomed this sensation, but this time his fingers pulled at each tangle, causing me to cry out sharply. He continued to pull at my hair, allowing my free hands to grope him and free him from his clothing. I pressed my body on him, surprised that even in my anger and pain I still wanted him.

Neither of us wanted to give himself to the other. Usually we relied on the language of touch to wordlessly communicate our mutual desires, but for the first time I knew that neither Remus nor I would submit to the others needs. "I don't think it works this way," he laughed breathlessly and angrily.

"I'll make it work," I growled at him. And then, grinding, groping, thrusting, it was over. There were no cries of passion, no moans of desire. I had come to think of our intimacy as Remus' gift to me, but that day I felt like a thief, stealing from him what he was unwilling to share.

I had been with women who liked to play rough, although the game never held much interest for me. There was so much sorrow in the world, that the softness and sensuality between Remus and me was my only refuge. Now I felt that it was gone, replaced by yet another act of aggression that satisfied, but did not fulfill.

Remus did apologize to me for lashing out and for his cruel words, claiming that it made him angry to talk about all that he had lost when he was bitten. This conversation took place right after the ceremony in the Godric's Hollow church when I became your godfather. I now know that he had just realized that he was in love with me and his apology and subsequent kindness was his effort at trying to bring me back to where we had been. I took him back into my bed and again felt the warm refuge of his body and soul. But it was too late for me to return completely; I was too far gone into my world of suspicion and fear.

_To the readers and reviewers: Thank you ShinyObjects!! Thanks Clare for your inspiration and kind words. Thank you everyone who enjoys this story. Breaking up SB/RL is truly hard to do, but you keep me going and then I get the lovely task of bringing them back together!_


	20. Chapter 19 No Angels to Greet Him

_A/N: While those of us who have read Deathly Hallows (and who hasn't?) know that Regulus Black chose to go to his death, Sirius does not know this. Only Harry, reading the letters, would have that information. In this story, Reve told Sirius that Regulus felt pressure being the Black heir, but we don't know if Sirius believed her._

_WARNING - SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND SELF INJURY_

**19. No Angels to Greet Him**

Dear Harry:

It was right after I took the life of that Death Eater when things began to get dark for me. In my first year with the Order, I felt heroic and passionate about my work. In my final two years I grew hardened to my work as a killer. It wasn't all bad. It was a job that needed to be done, and there were times that I felt that heroism return. Once when we had captured nearly a dozen of Voldemort's men, we celebrated our good fortune at Gideon Prewett's home. I felt so confident that I snogged Remus when we went to the store room for more ale. It felt furtive and exciting and I may have taken it further, if we hadn't been interrupted by someone's kid, walking in on us. But those instances were few.

Remus and I continued our secret meetings during these years. The angry incident I described to you in the previous letter was not typical of our encounters. Despite our enthusiasm for each other and the explosive sounds, scents, and tastes that accompanied our love making, it still had its tender, transcendent quality and provided a respite from the world. Sometimes I imagined Remus and I floating together naked in a warm pool, our eyes closed, water blocking the sound from our ears, our hands touching lightly, our bodies calmly and sensuously aware of the other.

Having had so much time these days to think about all that has happened I realize that the event that truly changed me was the death of my brother. I know that I didn't speak highly of him to you when you were here last fall, but he was my brother and I cared for him.

Remus was working at the newspaper then. He enjoyed his job and would often meet his co-workers at the pub after work. On one night that December he was leaving the building when he heard someone call his name. He turned to see a figure in a hooded wizard cloak walking towards him. By the manner of the walk, he thought it was me and he planned on having a talk with me about dressing in an appropriate muggle fashion. However, as the figure drew closer he realized it was not me, but Regulus who was approaching him. Remus reached for his wand that was hidden in his jacket.

"I'm unarmed, Lupin," Regulus said, showing Remus both of his empty hands.

"What do you want, Regulus?" Remus asked him, when they had moved to a deserted corner on the street.

Regulus looked at Remus in his usual haughty way. "I need to see my brother. It's urgent and I can't find him. I need you to get him for me."

"What makes you think I can find him quickly?"

Regulus laughed cruelly, "What? You're not still shagging him?"

Remus turned to walk away. We had both hoped that my father and Reve had not shared this bit of information with Regulus, but it was apparent that he knew.

"Wait." Regulus sounded more desperate as he grabbed Remus' sleeve. "I'm sorry."

Remus felt that he had the upper hand over Regulus. "How did you find me, by the way?"

Regulus shrugged, "We have our spies as I'm sure your side has theirs. It was easier to track you down because you stay in the same place most of the time." Regulus looked at the muggle street and added, "such as it is. So will you pass my message on to Sirius?"

Remus reluctantly agreed and Regulus told him where I was to meet him. "Make sure he knows it's urgent!" were his parting words.

"Did you tell him to sod off?" I angrily asked Remus when he found me later that evening. James, Peter, and I were drinking pints in an out of the way wizarding pub.

"Do you think it's a trap?" James asked both Remus and me.

I snorted, "Of course it is! He didn't bother come to find me when my father died, so I have a hard time believing he has something to tell me that's more earth shattering than that." I was still feeling stunned by my father's death the previous summer, which I had learned about after reading it in the _Daily Prophet_.

Remus shook his head. "Then he's learned to be a good liar. He had me convinced. He seemed different, like he was pretending to have a confidence that he didn't really have."

"Stupid git," I muttered, draining my glass.

"Who? Mooney?" This is the first thing Peter had said on the subject and, as was typical, he was missing the point.

"No! Padfoot's talking about Regulus, you idiot!" James taunted Peter then turned to me, "You have to admit, Sirius, it is curious. If you want to go check it out, I'll go with you in case it is a trap. Or we all will, if you like."

"And let him think we are all fools for following his orders? Forget it!"

"Well, if you change your mind, we're here for you, like Prongs said," Remus added in a reassuring voice.

"I won't change my mind!" I snapped back.

It was Peter who told me he had died. I sat there as his words came at me like moving walls of glass, smashing over body one by one. His voice was high pitched and he spoke quickly and excitedly. "I wonder if that had anything to do with why he tried to see you." Smash! "Maybe he wanted your help." Smash! "You just don't leave the Dark Lord, once you've committed to him" Smash! "What do you think changed his mind?" Smash! Shut up, Wormtail! I thought silently. Shut up and take back what you've said. Please don't let this be true. Please don't let this be my fault.

I never asked how Peter had gotten this information. Soon I heard of Regulus' death from another person who didn't have any other details, so I've always taken Peter's word for it. Now it's likely that even then Peter had had some inside information. Probably it is what happened to Regulus that prevented Peter from backing out of any deals he had made with the Death Eaters, even if he had wanted to save your parents' lives.

Regulus' death, my father's death, the Death Eater I had killed, my discovered love for Remus, and Lily's pregnancy all came at relatively the same time and it was too much for me. Not all of those things were bad, but they were all big, important, adult things that I was expected to deal with and move on from. But I couldn't do that as easily as I told myself I could. "He was a Death Eater," I said to people when they offered condolences, "one less in the world is not a bad thing." Unfortunately, I couldn't make myself believe that. In reality, I thought he was young, stupid and caught up trying to fulfill some heroic vision that he didn't truly comprehend. We were on different sides, but he was not so different from me.

I drank with Peter that night. James had gone home with Lily before I had heard the news otherwise I would have been with him. I hoped a constant influx of alcohol would keep Peter from talking and numb my pain. I drank shot after shot, focusing on the music in the bar and away from the sound of Peter's voice. After a few hours of being ignored by me, Peter left and I was alone. So alone that the cold sting of Regulus' death began to overtake me and my only thought was to find Remus so that I could smother it in his warmth.

"You're drunk," he said when I arrived. I didn't answer. I just kissed him, wrapping myself around his body as I did so. "Get off me!" he shouted, pulling away. I don't remember what I said to him then. My brain was too foggy to make coherent thoughts, but from his expression what I said was lurid and obscene. I knelt before him and grabbed his belt. He pushed me away.

I don't remember how I got back to my flat. When I was there I found another bottle and began to work on that. When it was gone, I threw the bottle breaking a mirror. "Seven years of bad luck," I laughed out loud. How much worse could it get, was my private joke. I walked over to the pieces of mirror and picked one up, looking into it to see my reflection through the fog in my brain. I looked terrible. I stared down at my hands and they were bleeding from holding the glass, although I couldn't feel the pain. Is this what death is like, I wondered? Does it end pain by being painless itself? Was it painless for Regulus or that Death Eater I killed? I heard pounding outside my flat. Someone was calling my name. Were the Death Eaters coming for me now? Maybe it was my time to go. I took the piece of mirror and watch it run across my wrist. The red streak appeared immediately, but before I could make another cut, strong hands grabbed me from behind and pulled me away from the shattered glass. "No!" I called out. "Let me go!"

"I have you, Padfoot," James said quietly while he held on to me tightly, pinning my arms as I struggled. "I'm not letting you go."

James was behind me so I couldn't see his face. I sank, defeated, into his arms, as Remus knelt in front of me, took hold of my injured hand and began healing it with his wand. His eyes showed concern and love.

"Remus," I said, before I lost consciousness. "Remus, I'm sorry."

When I awoke I felt Remus' presence before I even opened my eyes. When I did, my head hurt beyond anything imaginable. I was lying in my bed and he was sitting beside me, his hands stroking my hair. "Ow!"

"Am I hurting you?" Remus asked softly, pulling his hand away.

"Everything hurts," I said truthfully, "Not just you."

"I'd ask you how you're feeling, but I think I know."

"Not good," I looked around the room that was still a bit blurry. "Where's James?"

"He went home to have Lily make a potion for the hangover. He says, from experience, it really works." Lily was a very skilled potion maker whose talent was now only utilized making cures for hangovers and, more recently, morning sickness.

Assured that James was not in the room I reached for Remus' hand. "I'm sorry about before. I was wrong. I shouldn't have gone to you like that."

"It's okay," said Remus softly, entwining his fingers with mine. "And I'm sorry about Regulus. We came over as soon as we heard. I knew something wasn't right with you."

"I didn't say anything when James was here, did I? Anything that he could have guessed about…"

"No," Remus interrupted. "You didn't say anything. You pretty much passed out as soon as we got here."

I started to sit up, but my head hurt too much. I groaned and Remus hushed me, kissing my brow.

When we heard James in the stairwell, we pulled away from each other. They helped me to sit up, although it caused me a great deal of pain. James helped me to swallow the foul smelling potion and Remus held a bowl for me while I retched. They bathed my face with cool water and checked my hands and wrists for scars. James told a funny story of a prank we played on Regulus when he was a first year and we talked about what an adversary he had been on the Quidditch pitch. I told them how, when we were small, Regulus and I would leave our bedroom doors open at night so that we could talk to each other and he wouldn't be afraid of the darkness.

I should have kept that moment in my memory to bring me through all of the dark times to come. That moment when my best friend and my lover sat with me, tended to my physical and emotional wounds, and did their best to heal me. They did not judge me. Neither ever mentioned that they had encouraged me to see Regulus that last time. They would have allowed me to grieve and would have mourned with me if I had felt free enough to do so. If I had mourned properly, then maybe I could have come back. I could have trusted myself to love and be loved. But this death was followed by another and then another. Some were from my hand and some were my friends killed by the hands of others. I felt myself moving further and further away from the boy I was at Hogwarts and the young man who once saw beauty and goodness inside himself.

It was only when they took James that I realized my mistake.

_Ok, I'll start lightening things up. This chapter was way too depressing. I'm glad you liked Frank, FallingMoon. I tried to paint him as a regular guy, different from how Neville's grandmother sees him. Did you notice the juxtaposition of Alice taking care of Frank when he vomits and Remus doing the same for Sirius in this chapter? Frank would call that true love._

_Thanks Mr.Breks, It's nice to hear from you. I know you were one of the first readers of this fic._


	21. Chapter 20 Set My Spirit Free

**20. Set My Spirit Free**

So Harry, that's what I was like before I went to Askaban. The few bright spots in my life were watching you grow, hearing James' optimism, and spending a few, private moments with Remus. But when Voldemort began hunting you, these pleasures were lost to me. James and Lily's fear was all encompassing. Protecting you was the most important thing in the world to them and to me. We were only ever one step ahead of the Voldemort and his proximity frightened us. There had to be a spy and that spy was someone who knew us well. My mind went directly to Remus. Reality had twisted for me so my theory made sense. Regulus had chosen to contact Remus when he needed to talk to me although the two had barely known each other at Hogwarts. I was surprised that Regulus could even recognize Remus or any of my friends beyond James. There had to have been some other connection I told myself. Perhaps it had been Remus who told Voldemort that Regulus was trying to contact me, thus bringing about his death. In the days leading up to the end, Remus had been increasingly kind and giving to me. I found that in itself suspicious. I felt myself unlovable and suspected that his actions were not driven by love, but by deceit.

When I discovered that it was Peter all of my theories fell to pieces. I realized how wrong I had been in suspecting Remus and how right James had been about the need to recognize my love. I tried to make up for what I had done by caring for you, but Hagid, following Dumbledore's instructions, took you away. I wish I had told someone it was Peter, but I was too distraught. Remus was away for the full moon and I was alone. Finding Peter and punishing him for what he did was driving me and I left no trail for others to follow.

I believed that I would die there. My cousins and I used to tell each other ghost stories about Azkaban and the Dementors, but it was far worse than even we could have imagined. I locked up my happy memories, not because I wanted to live so much, but because I'd be damned to let anyone take them. I hadn't allowed myself to feel emotion for a long time, so it was really no different to protect emotions from the Dementors. However, as the years went by I wondered why I had been so guarded with my feelings before I came to Azkaban. We forget how free we are to roam, to fly, to feel, to need, to love, and do not always take advantage of those opportunities. It is when that freedom is taken from us that we realize how precious those things are.

I realized during those years that, of the few people who had known about Remus and me, none of them had judged me harshly because of that. James had encouraged me to love Remus. Even my father had accepted my sexual attraction. By nature I was generally unconcerned with what others thought. I had turned Remus away, not for fear of the opinions of others, but for fear of exposing myself. Those fears seemed so small when I looked at them from where I was, in a tower above the sea, all alone.

I had thought about trying to escape long before I did it. I would transform to the dog from time to time and saw that the Dementors could not see me. But I had no where to go and no one to go to. Death would someday take me away someday, as I had seen it do to others all the time. I just had to wait for it. But then I saw the picture of Peter and escape was all I could think of.

The mind of a dog is filled with few words and most of those words begin with the letter F. Food, friend, fear, fight and a few others I won't mention, but I'm sure you can guess. I taught myself another: freedom. As I ran out of my cell, down the stairs, out the door, and leapt into to frigid water I repeated the mantra over and over again: freedom, freedom, freedom. I swam for what seemed like forever, floating along on the currents when I became too tired. When I finally saw land, I knew I had made it. "Freedom," I said again.

Hogwarts was yet another fortress, but unlike Azkaban, it was a fortress that had kept me safe, rather than imprisoned. It encircled the world of comfort that I had known as a boy. Once again I was comforted to be back among the places where I once played. I had returned to the familiarity of Hogwarts' secret passages, its hidden spaces, its forests and streams. I knew all the minefields for I had lain them when I was young and thought evil was so far away. Now evil was inside those gates, but so was I and I could protect you from him.

I saw you several times that year. It made me happy to know that you were near me. It was what your parents wanted for you and I felt I was fulfilling their wishes at last. I marveled at how much you look like James. I know you hear that so often, but for me, it was like walking back into a memory. A memory that I couldn't touch, but I could look upon with fondness. I tried to see you whenever I could, without attracting your attention. It made me happy when I learned that Remus was with you and I imagined what he must have told you everything about your father and me. I didn't know at the time that he told you nothing. I should have known that the memories would be too painful for him to share.

I had long since given up any hope of ever meeting you. At best I could protect you from Peter, but I never thought you would accept me or be able to hear me explain what had happened. When we finally met, I didn't react in a way I'm proud of. I know I frightened you. I've never been good with children, not like Remus anyway. I was so grateful when he showed up and explained everything to you and your friends. I felt for the first time that the four of us were connected - you, James, me, and Remus. And in that wonderful moment when Remus helped me from the floor and embraced me I was so touched that I ceased breathing.

It was a few days later when I found Remus at his flat and he drew me into his arms once again that I was able to cry. I grieved for James, for Lily, for Regulus, for Reve, for my parents, and for everyone else I had lost. I wept for the years you lived miserably with the Dursleys and I was unable to help you. When I could no longer stand Remus continued to hold me as we sank to the ground. He was weeping too for all those people and for all the years we were apart and for the years that we were alone, but together. As we sat there holding each other I felt that I was finally free. Free from Azkaban, but more importantly, free from the fears that kept me from showing Remus my true self. I had let go of the pain and grief I had kept inside me for so long and I knew that now I would be able to love.

Almost unconsciously we began to walk once again down the path we had made together so many years ago. The landscape had changed with time, overgrown in some areas and barren in others, but still familiar. It was an act of healing as well as an act of love. My soul was broken and he mended it with his kisses. The sorrows that I had spilled before him, evaporated with his breath. I felt myself strengthening with his every touch. He clung tightly to me and said my name again and again. "Sirius, Sirius," he called softly.

"Remus," I answered, breathless as our bodies began to move more quickly. "Remus!" In the twelve years I was away, his name never passed my lips, and it flowed sensually over my tongue as my passion forced me to call out to him again, "Remus!" Then I felt the core inside me shatter into a million golden, glittering pieces. They filled me with light and happiness just as everything that was me passed in that moment of rapture into him.

I could have stayed there forever holding him, but I knew I had to keep going. They were still looking for me and I didn't want to get Remus in trouble as well. As I dressed and readied to leave, Remus packed food for me and gave me the small amount of gold he had in his possession. I tried to refuse his generosity, but he pressed it upon me. "I can make more," he laughed. "For once, you are poorer than I am."

When we embraced for the last time, he told me. He whispered it and his breath on my ear sent his words down my spine, spreading them throughout my entire being. I smiled when I heard them but before I could respond in kind, he put his fingers on my mouth. "No," he said, "Don't say it and leave. Tell me when you return. This way you'll have something to come back for besides Harry. Until then, be assured that I know. I have you in my heart and soul and I know."

We kissed one last time and I left there stronger and more determined than I had been when I arrived. I was strong because you, Harry, had forgiven me and because Remus Lupin had said he loved me.

_To Readers and Reviewers: Thanks everyone for reading this and for your nice comments. There will be more soon._


	22. Chapter 21 Tu et Non Autre

_A/N: Were you disappointed that Remus Lupin was only referred to briefly in GOF? What was he doing during that year? It must have been Sirius. After all, where was Sirius all those months when he returned to the country in the fall and was in Hogsmeade in the late winter/early spring?_

**21. Tu et Non Autre (You and No Other)**

Dear Harry:

It is probably easy for you now to guess where I was when I returned to the country the following autumn. I would have told you, but you never asked. I had spent the summer in the tropics of Africa and would have stayed longer but I was worried about you. Dumbledore also owled me during that time and I believed my concern was genuine, as it turned out to be. Returning filled me with more excitement than fear. I had always been a risk-taker, but more than that I was happy to be closer to you and to Remus.

I had not been corresponding with Remus during my time away because I feared that he may be monitored. Anti-werewolf laws had recently been passed and werewolves were considered guilty of certain crimes until proven innocent. I didn't want Remus to be accused of aiding in my escape from Hogwarts. There had been a full moon that night, as I'm sure you will remember which would have made it seem all the more suspicious.

Remus was not at his flat when I got there. I went around looking for him and found him in the local pub having a drink at the bar with a woman. As I entered, I recognized the song that was playing. It was "Let it Loose" by the Rolling Stones.

_Who's that woman on your arm_, _all dressed up to do you harm._

"Oi," yelled the bartender, "Who let that dog in here?"

Remus and his companion turned towards me. I could see a look of shock followed by recognition and then slight embarrassment on Remus' face. I ambled over to him and put my face on his lap. I wasn't going to make this easy for him.

_And in the bar you're getting drunk_ the song continued.

"He seems to like you, Remus" the woman laughed.

Remus gently moved my head. "Yes, well he's my friend's dog and I better bring him home." He got up from his stool and put some coins on the bar. "It was nice to see you again. Thank you for joining me."

_I ain't in love! I ain't in love!_

The woman expressed her hope to see Remus soon and wished him a good night. As we got to the door of his flat Remus said to me, "Before you ask, she's no one. Just a woman I met at a bar."

I transformed after we entered. "And do you do that a lot? Meet women at the bar, I mean."

"Not a lot. Not lately, anyway," Remus looked at me and smiled. "It's good to see you. I didn't expect you back so soon, so this is an expected pleasure.

"Really?" I asked haughtily. I was put off finding him with someone else. I had forgotten that Remus had a life beyond me.

I looked around the flat. I hadn't really noticed it the last time I was there. It was small with a combination kitchen/sitting room in the front. The room held a shabby sofa and two old armchairs that I recognized from his parents' house. The kitchen table was small and had 2 chairs. I sat down in one of them. Beyond this room was the bedroom that I had hoped to be sharing with him.

"Really," Remus said sincerely. "Would you like a drink?" Before waiting for me to respond, he went over to the cabinet and got out a bottle. He poured the amber liquid into two cloudy glasses and sat down at the table across from me.

"What is this?" I asked, holding the glass up to the light. Firewhiskey is deep red, so the color was not right. I smelled it. It had a strong, peat aroma and for a moment I remembered lying on the ground with him under the beech tree at Hogwarts.

Remus smiled as he watched my confusion. "It's muggle whiskey. My father used to enjoy it so I thought I'd give it a try. It's single malt from the Orkney Islands." He motioned me to drink.

I sipped the whiskey. "Not bad. Muggles do some things right, after all." After a moment I asked him. "Have there been many others?"

Remus looked uncomfortable. I saw a bit of happiness leave his face. "In twelve years? Yes, there have been others."

"How many?" I tried to sound more curious than disappointed but I'm not sure it worked.

"I don't know." He thought for a moment and then looked at me, "Maybe twenty-four, twenty-five. Twelve years is a long time and I'm not a monk. Nor," he took my hand and held it, "was I in prison."

I met his gaze. I was disappointed, but also intrigued. "Two dozen other lovers," I shook my head in disbelief. "Were any…" I didn't know how I would react if I knew the answer to the question I wanted to ask. "Never mind. It's none of my business."

"It's okay," Remus said. He looked at me with determination. "You were going to ask me one of two things. Did I love any of them? The answer is no. There was one woman, also a werewolf, who I thought I might be able to love. She had a hard time accepting who she was now and I tried to help her. I liked her wildness, but it shamed her. I see now that what I felt for her was more compassion than love. But then she disappeared. It happens with our kind. We're hunted. It's not exactly illegal, you know." Remus shook himself from the sad memory. "Your other question is most likely asking me if there have been any other men." He smiled, "No. So, the answer to both of your unasked questions is that it is and always has been you and no other."

I felt love well up inside me. I knew that I had made the right decision to come here. I smiled at him, rose from my chair, and walked over to him. I bent down and kissed him for the first time in months. I ran my tongue along his lips and they parted. I tasted the peat of the whiskey and everything that was Remus. My hands were on his cheeks and I felt the prickly stubble of his beard. He ran his hands though my hair as I remembered what he had told me the last time. I broke away and looked into his eyes. "I love you," I said. It felt so easy, so right after all this time.

He pulled me back to his lips. We could have kept going like this but I remembered some unfinished business. Reluctantly, I pulled away. "I need your help," I told him.

"What do you need me to do?" He was smiling, although a little surprised by my sudden change of subject.

"I need to put Buckbeak somewhere. I need you to help me break into my house."

It was raining lightly outside when we arrived at Number Twelve. I taught Remus the spells that allowed us to get into the house since I didn't have a wand. We entered without too much difficulty. "Well, this explains a lot," Remus said, looking around the front hallway with the light from his wand.

"Explains a lot about what?" I asked. The house had an odor that was slightly familiar yet indicative of it being uninhabited.

"About you," Remus responded as he began walking down the hall. "Interesting choices in décor," he said as he passed his light along the mounted elf heads. Just then the shrieking started and he swore loudly. "What the hell is that?"

The light from his wand pointed at the portrait of my mother. "Something new," I answered without expression. Grimmauld Place is full of traps like that, so I was used to it. We stopped the shouting and swearing with some effort. "Now I know where I'm putting the Hippogriff," I said as I lead Remus and Buckbeak up the stairs, mumbling obscenities at my mother's memory.

Kreacher was waiting for us in Mother's room. "Are there any other surprises tonight?" Remus asked after recovering from yet another shock. This time it was seeing the old house elf lurking in the beam of his wand.

"Maybe," I said referring to Grimmauld Place. Then I turned to him and smiled, "Hopefully, only ones that you like from now on." When we got Buckbeak settled and I gave specific instructions to Kreacher, I went in search of a wand. I found one in an old glass fronted cabinet. It wasn't perfect, but it would do until I could get a new one. "Alright, we're done here. Let's hope we don't have to come back."

The rain had gotten heavier and steadier by the time we returned to his flat. As soon as we entered we took off our soaked robes and hung them on the pegs by the door. I watched Remus as he took off his wet jumper. I took off mine as well and felt his eyes upon me. I have been here before, I thought with a smile, and I knew how this was going to end. In turn we each took off another piece of clothing. I was ready to let myself be carried away by the eroticism of our game when I realized that tonight it wasn't as it had been before. Tonight was completely new. Every other time we had acted as if we were driven by a force outside of our control. Even the last time we were together it happened without planning, without thinking. Tonight I was giving myself to him. I had acknowledged what I wanted and that was Remus.

"What is it?" Remus asked, sensing my hesitation. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," I smiled. "I love you." He smiled at my declaration and I continued. "This will be the first time since we've said that to each other. For the first time I'm not pretending and I can say that I truly want you. I'm just not sure how it is to be in love."

Remus moved closer to me. He put his arms around my waist and said in a quiet voice, "Make love to me, Sirius. Make love to me like you did the first time when our bodies were undiscovered lands waiting to be explored. Cry out my name and tell me you love me until the passion steals the breath from your lungs. Hold me while I sleep and let me wake up warm and naked by your side. I want to dream of new ways to make you happy. Ways that are soft and sensual and leave your body tingling for hours. Ways that are hard and sharp and the pleasure behind the pain is so brilliant that you don't know which one is making you scream. Love me, Sirius, and know in every way how much I love you."

Days later I said to him, "This must be what a honeymoon is like. I remember James going on and on about his."

"No," he said as he rolled on top of me and kissed me. "Honeymoons end and I don't want this ever to stop."

I took control and rolled over so I was on top. "And so it won't." I took his hands and raised them over his head. I had many creative ideas on how to keep this honeymoon going forever.

You must have noticed, Harry, how much better I looked when you saw me in the fire that November. I was happy for the first time in so many years. I was with someone I loved and my health improved. We did leave the flat eventually. I went to check on Buckbeak from time to time and Remus carried on with his life. We were in love and everything seemed lighter. When I got the owl from Dumbledore asking me to stay in Hogsmeade to be closer to you, I was ready to go and be a true godfather. I was sorry to leave Remus, but I knew he would be waiting for me when I returned.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks for sticking with this story through the sad parts. Let me know if their reunion and declarations of love rock your world._


	23. Chapter 22 House of Cards

_A/N: On page 110 of the Bloomsbury UK edition of OOTP it says "Lupin, who was staying in the house with Sirius…" _

**22: House of Cards**

"Lie low at Lupin's," Dumbledore said to me right before I left you in the hospital wing. "I will contact you there." Although I didn't want to leave you, Harry, but I was happy to be returning to Remus. We were, however, unprepared for Dumbledore's arrival. Remus dressed in haste while I grabbed my clothes from the kitchen floor and hid in the bathroom.

"Sorry to make you wait," Remus apologized to Dumbledore when he finally answered the door.

"Not a problem," Dumbledore said. "One expects these things when arriving unannounced. It is good to see you looking so well, Remus. You have a certain glow about you. Your shirt is misbuttoned, however."

I wondered if it were my imagination or if the headmaster was taking the piss out of Remus. I didn't know whether to be amused or embarrassed.

"Is Sirius here?" Dumbledore asked.

"Er, yes," Remus stumbled as if he were uncertain. "He's in the…."

"The bathroom?" Dumbledore finished. "Do you mind if I wait?"

Remus invited him to sit and I joined the conversation shortly thereafter. We discussed his plans for the Order and the need for headquarters. I offered Grimmauld Place.

"So it's deserted?" Dumbledore asked. He was intrigued by the possibility, especially after I described the house, its size and its protections.

"Yes, except for Buckbeak and an old house elf."

Dumbledore thought about that. "The house elf could be a problem. I may need to ask you to move into the house in order to keep him under control. The last thing we need is a house elf with dark leaning tendencies knowing our plans."

I was about to refuse his request when Remus said, "That might not be a bad idea, Sirius. After all, there is more room for Harry than there is here."

Although he was careful to control his reaction, I could see that Dumbledore had not expected me to have planned on taking you in that summer. "Arthur Weasley has spoken to me about having Harry brought to the Burrow when he leaves the Dursleys. I know Harry has done this before and he enjoys the company of his friend Ron…"

"Yes, but I'm his godfather," I cut across somewhat sharply. "James and Lily wanted me to have him if anything should happen to them. I would appreciate it if everyone would allow me to complete my duty. I know it's not much, but I can give Harry a home and I intend to do that!"

"Well," said Dumbledore after a moment. "Perhaps the two wishes are not mutually exclusive. It may be possible, if you agree, Sirius, to invite the Weasleys to join you, Remus and Harry at Grimmauld Place. It would certainly be more convenient for Molly and Arthur, and the children could provide some company for Harry. Would this be acceptable to you? I fear few things in this world, but one of them is the wrath of Molly Weasley." He smiled at that last statement.

While I hated the idea of going back to Grimmauld Place, Remus was right. It did have much more room and would provide you with some space for us to get used to one another. I agreed and the three of us began plans for a new headquarters as well as a temporary home. I made Dumbledore the Secret Keeper for number twelve, which could not be seen by muggles and was unplottable.

As he prepared to go, Dumbledore turned to us and said, "Many things hide in plain sight. People look beyond what they cannot understand. Those of us who can see are the ones who are happy to know, and this is truly magic." He smiled and left. He knew, we realized, and he had given us his blessing.

The Weasleys moved in with an expected amount of chaos as people, trunks, and animals kept coming out of the kitchen fireplace. Having spent so much time alone over these past few years, it was nice to hear the sound of happy voices. It gave me hope that Grimmauld Place could possible gain back some of the life it once had. Although my cousins had not lived with us, they stayed over quite frequently and had rooms designated for each for them. We had several house elves and many frequent guests. I didn't always like everyone who stayed in our house, but I had enjoyed the level of energy and excitement they brought with them.

I was coming downstairs from feeding Buckbeak when I saw Remus outside of the girls' room, talking with Hermione.

"Are you getting settled in? Do you need anything?" Remus asked.

"Thank you. I'm fine, Professor…I mean Mr. Lupin," Hermione replied.

"It's Remus. Since we're living in the same house, call me Remus. The boys and Ginny should, too. I prefer that to just my surname, which for some reason is what I get called by most often by Order members." Remus smiled and shrugged as he said the last part.

"Oh, thank you. I will do that. Which room are you staying in…Remus?" Hermione asked with hesitation. She was getting used to saying his given name.

"I'm on the top floor," he waited for a beat before he said, "with Sirius."

"That's nice," Hermione said brightly. "He must enjoy the company."

"That I do," I said as I walked up to them and placed my hand on Remus' shoulder. The gesture was more friendly than loving and I'm sure Hermione thought nothing of it. As we continued down the stairs, I whispered to him, "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"It's a start," he agreed. "But I think we should discuss later when we are going to tell Harry. I think we may want to postpone it." Before I could respond, Molly called to me, looking for some help with Kreacher.

"No!" I told Remus that night when we were alone in our room. "I don't want to wait! Harry is mine and I want to start being his family. I want both of us to be his family. What is wrong with that? Are you ashamed?"

Remus threw another muffling charm at the door and muttered something about extendable ears. "Of course I'm not! I love you. How could I be ashamed of that? I just want you to think about it from Harry's perspective for a moment." I tried to cut in but he stopped me. "I know you have Harry's best interests in mind but think about it this way: Harry saw his friend die recently. He is being flayed in the newspaper. He saw Voldemort return. He was attacked by Dementors, AND he now has this trial coming up." Remus placed his hands gently on my shoulders. "Harry knows he has you. He needs your support. He shouldn't have to think he needs to share you with me."

I gathered Remus into my arms and held him. He wasn't ashamed of us. He was unselfishly thinking of you. He is truly a good person and a much better and more considerate father than I could ever be. "You're right. Harry does have a lot going on right now. We need to support him. There will be plenty of time to tell him later. If he finds out on his own, however…"

"We'll tell him," Remus finished my thought. "No more lies. And he shouldn't hear about it from anyone else, so we need to be careful and keep the secret."

Later, when we had gotten into bed, I said to him, "My mother used to hold séances in this house. She used to try and bring ghosts in to live with us"

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Remus found this humorous as he settled onto his pillow.

"I need to get rid of any remaining ghosts. I feel like this house is full of them, like bad memories and so many regrets. I want to make this house ours. Not forever, but for the rest of the summer. I don't want to be miserable all the time, not with Harry coming."

"Can I help?" he asked gently, rubbing my shoulder.

"Yes," I said. "Just love me." We turned together so that we were facing each other.

"Lights on or off?" Remus asked me softly.

"On. I want the ghosts to watch and see that they are no longer welcome here. I love you and I want them to know that nothing, not even this house, will tear us apart."

He chuckled, "The muffling charm should last for a while so let's give them a show they won't forget. We'll have them scurrying back from whence they came!"

"Defense Against the Dark Arts with Professor Lupin!" I laughed.

"Right," Remus said with mock seriousness, "Let's begin lesson one. Wand out? Oh yes, I can see you've done that. Now grab your partner's wand. Hold firmly, not too tightly. Excellent work. Now, I want you to make a stroke and twist like this. Ahh! Yes! Let's try that again. Ooh, perfect, Mr. Black. Now it's time for lesson two." We shagged playfully, laughing until our laughter was replaced by rhythmic moans and exuberant cries of "I love you."

I was so happy to have you with me that summer, Harry. I know I wasn't always the most cheerful of hosts, but you warmed my heart more than you could possibly know. While we cleaned and tackled the remains from the decades of Blacks who had resided there, I felt we were exorcizing the demons that lived not only in the house, but inside me. Being with you is like being with James again. You are so like him in your bravery, friendship, and acceptance of others. James, as I have said before, was a part of my soul I felt myself being restored in your presence.

Remus, I noticed that summer, had taken on several of the other characteristics of James. He served as a peace maker when Molly and I got into scraps over you and spoke confidently to the group when Order members were together. He had everyone's respect. I enjoyed watching him interact with you and other children and I could see what a great teacher he must have been. Perhaps he had always been like this and James' charisma had just over shadowed Remus' like-minded personality. Or perhaps it was my love that brought it out in him. James, after all, had been greatly loved by his parents and his self-assuredness had sprung from that. Love suited Remus, as it did me.

As the weeks went by we became less guarded about our relationship. We were still discreet but didn't create excuses and lies. One instance that you may remember, when Molly fretted about what would happen to her children if she and Arthur were gone, Remus offered that he and I would take them. He said for all to hear that we were together and for the first time I fantasized what it would be like to have children of my own. Mischievous children like Fred and George with whom I would indulge my youthful, reckless tendencies as we thwarted authority and then we would laugh together at how daring we were. Daughters who, unlike their male counterparts, show affection openly would flutter my face with kisses and melt my heart with their hugs while I watched with joyful, fatherly pride their blossoming into the beauty of womanhood. Loyal children like Ron who care and protect their siblings, as I tried long ago to do for Regulus. And soulful children, like you Harry, who are so full of love and need the care and tenderness of a loving adult.

Although we didn't discuss it, I know Remus had the same fantasy. That night we made love soundlessly, driven by that force which calls men to create life. I felt nature's pull deep within my gut, low in my groin as I held him close, rendering my seed in a mute expression of the life-giving force within me. Lost in his own illusion, Remus was breathless as he gave to me the gift from his body - that tender outpouring of love and life, and I found myself thinking of our fathers and their fathers, and of the generations of men who had gone before us. I thought of James, and what it must have been like for him when he made you. I felt their spirits within both of us as Remus and I lay together, damp and satisfied. I suddenly understood how, on rare, special occassions, all of those men had been overcome with a need to see themselves replicated in the faces and actions of children.

But before that happened, when we walked away from Molly and up to our room, he placed his hand lovingly on the small of my back. As Dumbledore had said, no one noticed.

_To readers and reviewers: As you may have noticed, one of the themes in the story is Sirius' search for a family. While I realize many of you have a long way to go before you become parents, this chapter was very meaningful to me._


	24. Chapter 23 Stop All the Clocks

_A/N: The title is the first line in a poem by W.H. Auden._

**23. Stop All the Clocks**

They entered the house together. His voice was animated, as if telling a funny anecdote. Her laughter was too loud, piercing the air of the otherwise silent house. I could tell she was being flirtatious even from where I was on the floor above them. Predictably, My mother awoke and began shouting at them. I heard the sharp insults and wondered if my mother's aspersion about her parentage hurt her or if she found them amusing. In any case, he stopped it quickly and I imagined them whispering together as they moved down the hall, shoulders touching, heads bent together in conspiracy. I fed another rat to Buckbeak.

I wondered if I should go down and join them or if they enjoyed their time alone. I wondered if they had private jokes and secret moments that only the two of them shared. What did she look like today? Was she an alluring beauty or was she youthfully reckless with her appearance? Did he ever comment about it to her? Did she change it for him? Did the fresh air and spring sunlight fill him with desires that he didn't know he had? Desires that went beyond a man locked in a dank, musty house and whose most exciting daily activity was feeding rats to a Hippogriff. Buckbeak ate the last rat.

I heard them laugh again and wondered what time it was. Were they having sherry before dinner? Was she planning to dine with him? Out of habit, I looked around the room to the clock and then realized it had stopped running long ago. Perhaps they had plans tonight in the outside world. Plans to do the things I once enjoyed. I thought of smoky pubs and outdoor Quidditch matches. Even running laps seemed enormously freeing, rather than repetitively boring as I used to think of it. I sighed. I had nothing better to do than to go downstairs.

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Remus was asking Tonks as I came downstairs. "I'm not a bad cook, am I, Sirius?"

"I'm not the right person to ask. I lived off rats for a good amount of time," I answered with a moody shrug.

They both laughed. Tonks said, "I was hoping I'd see you before I left, Sirius. Mum and Dad have insisted that I come for dinner tonight. I haven't seen them for awhile and they are making me feel guilty." She rolled her eyes and turned to Remus as if they had a common background, "It's always like that when you're an only child, isn't it"

Before he could answer she kissed us both on the cheek and skipped out the door.

"Do you like her?" I asked him after she had left. We walked into the drawing room and he began to wind the grandfather clock. Remus was proud of that clock, having fixed it during the summer by getting it to stop shooting bolts.

"Of course I do. It's better to have a partner on these assignments than to go on them alone. And she's a great Auror."

"I meant do you like her romantically?

Remus looked at me like I was insane, "No! Why would you even think that?"

"Because she's young and beautiful and she is so obviously taken with you." I said in an accusatory tone.

"Yes, I agree she is beautiful but the operative word is young. She is young! As for the other thing…." He threw up his hands as if he were at a loss to explain. "You remember how it was, Sirius. The adventure and excitement of being in the Order is an aphrodisiac at that age. Even you and I couldn't resist it as hard as we tried. If I wasn't here, she'd turn on to someone else."

"So what's your aphrodisiac? Is it being admired by such a young, beautiful woman?" I asked him with a haughty bite in my voice.

"Well, it's certainly not you when you're like this!" he shouted and turned towards the window. He stared outside, fuming silently. The window was grimy and I doubted he could see much of anything from it. The dirty window seemed like a metaphor for our relationship - we were trapped inside, unable to see beyond our prison. In my gloom I managed to depress myself even more. I dropped into an armchair and tented my fingers over my eyes. I hated fighting with Remus, but I hated myself more for being jealous. The walls of this old house were closing in on me and I longed to flee down the stairs and out the front door, to feel once again the cool breeze of freedom that I had felt when I was the dog, swimming away from Azkaban. But even as the thought crossed my mind I knew that that breeze would turn frigid and unbearable the instant I was gone from Remus.

"My aphrodisiac," Remus began softly, "is knowing that I'm doing everything to end this and keep Harry safe. Then, when it is over we can be together, as a family, in the open, no lies, no deceit, no secrets. I love you. Not just because we share history and tragedy or because we have really great sex, but because you are in my soul. Having you and being with you this past year has been more than I ever hoped for. Even this dreary house is beautiful to me because you are in it. And if you were to go back to Azkaban, I would go with you because, being without you would be worse than any prison. I could never feel trapped with you beside me. Your love frees me from myself. It is nearly everything that I've ever wanted."

He turned to face me from the window and continued. "I say 'nearly' because I lied to you years ago. I've lied to myself. I do want a child. I always have. Having grown up poor, I was taught at an early age not to desire what I couldn't possibly have. But being with you after we've been through so much has made me realize that maybe anything is possible. I know will never have biological children, but I've been thinking that you were right years ago when you said that there are other ways to have kids. I know he is nearly sixteen and Harry is yours, but since you are mine then maybe he can be mine, too. He can be our child. That is my aphrodisiac: the day when you, Harry and I are a real family."

I walked over to where he was by the window. I had no words to answer him, but I took him in my arms and embraced him. We kissed as we never had before. It wasn't a secret, furtive kiss like the many that had passed between us in the early days, nor was it the passionate kiss that preceded and accompanied sex. It was a solid kiss. The kiss that says we are together and forever shall be our end.

Remus and I made love in the drawing room. Beneath the tapestry of the Black family tree we consummated our love and our plan for a life together. It seemed appropriate because so often when an old tree dies, a new, strong, healthy tree begins to grow from its rotten roots, pulling away the remaining nutrients and shooting toward the sky. Remus and I were beginning a new family tree. A tree that begins with us and you, Harry, and will grow to include your children and their children warmed in the sunlight of Lily and James' spirits. And if other orphans and lost souls choose to join us, they will be welcome, for there will always be plenty of love and room for more branches.

I will soon decide, Harry, if I will edit these letters or not send them to you at all. I hope to see you very soon in person and the purpose of writing to you, beyond keeping me amused these past few weeks, will be lost. In case I do give them to you in their entirety, I realize that I have written many things you may not want to know or which may make you uncomfortable when you hear about them. I feel, however, as your godfather, it is my duty to educate you in some of the facts of life. Perhaps it will make you understand better why Remus and I are together. Sex, even good sex, exists outside of loving relationships. But when you are in love, sex is transformed from a physical act into an emotional connection that joins the body, heart and soul. The connection between true lovers is a secret kept deep within ourselves and shared in those moments that are intimate, beautiful, and sacred.

A half a lifetime ago Remus and I made love under a different tree. It was a time when spring was in the air and life was just about to begin for us. Once again, a new life was about to start for us. A life that would encompass all those we love. Tonight our souls caressed in the sacred, spiritual way they always have, as our bodies melted together bringing on a sensual pleasure that transcends earthly language. When I saw in his face that he was about to reach that place of ecstasy and I released myself to join him.

Remus reached across me for his wand. "Accio blanket," he said and old quilt flew into the room, covering our naked, entwined limbs. We lay together quietly, listening to the reliable pendulum of the grandfather clock moving back and forth.

"Perhaps I have spent too much time mourning James and not appreciating all he has given to me," I said to Remus as I held him. "I lost my best friend and I've spent years blaming myself for his death. But James loved me. He would not want me to have years spent in misery. I believe he brought us together through Harry in the Shrieking Shack just two years ago. The same place that the Marauders would secretly meet in our youth and where you and I made love that was fierce and tender at the same time.

"James has given us Harry. I've always felt there was a connection; something that linked you, me, and Harry though James. Harry is James' gift to us for our enduring friendship with him. James made it possible for us to be together now and to love one another as much as he loved Lily. What are the chances this would have happened without some other-worldly intervention?"

"Like ghosts?" he asked, skeptically.

"More like spirits of the dead. Spirits that watch over us and guide us in making the right decisions, don't laugh!" I chuckled anyway. This was so unlike me, but I had seen so many things in my life that could not be explained by magic or reason.

"An interesting theory," he acknowledged, shifting in my arms to get closer. "I promise when I die, I will watch over you from the great beyond."

"And I will do the same, because I know I will still love you even then."

* * *

Harry turned to the next letter. It was written in different handwriting. At first he was confused but as he began to read he realized what had happened. "No! Sirius, NO!" he shouted to no one and the tears from all those years ago began to flow anew.

_To readers and reviewers: It's not over yet! I've hope you've been enjoying this story. The poem 'Stop All the Clocks' by W.H. Auden is below:_

_Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come._

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead  
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,  
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,  
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,  
My working week and my Sunday rest,  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


	25. Chapter 24 Vigil

_A/N: In the JK Rowling timeline, which this story keeps to, Remus Lupin dies two years after Sirius Black. In that short period of time he has married and become a father. What happened? _

_In this story Harry is reading the letters approximately one year after Lupin's death. It goes without saying that I did not create any of these characters._

**24. Vigil**

Harry felt his brain and body explode with grief. Grief from how few those happy moments spent with Sirius had been, from mentally replaying Sirius' fall into the veil, and from reading how heartbreakingly close he and Sirius and Lupin had come to achieving what they all wanted: a family.

It was just past midnight. A day and a half ago Harry had had no idea that Sirius and Remus had been involved in a long standing loving and sexual relationship. While Sirius had never answered Harry definitely, Harry knew Sirius would have taken him in when he no longer had the Dursleys to return to. He did not know this had been Sirius' heartfelt plan. Twelve hours ago Harry had been a virgin and now he not only had he crossed that milestone, but Sirius' letters and descriptions had opened him up to a world of secret knowledge in terms of love and sex that Harry hadn't known existed. His life had changed.

There were more letters; letters Harry knew he had to read. He also needed time alone to absorb all the information he had learned and to process the new information he expected to gain before he finished. He needed more time.

Fortunately, Ron was a night owl and customarily awake until well past midnight. Harry sent him word via his patronus asking Ron to put off his arrival for a day. Ron's reply came quickly saying that the extra time would allow Ron more opportunity to help out his brother George, who needed the assistance. Harry breathed a sigh of relief that Ron hadn't questioned him further or been too anxious to move into Grimmauld Place.

After this break and a cup of tea, Harry settled himself into an armchair and kept reading.

Dear Harry:

I knew that Sirius had been writing to you in the weeks before his death. Because these letters are enchanted, I have no way of knowing what he has told you. However, I am fairly certain that in the course of his correspondence, Sirius most likely would have told you about a relationship that he and I had prior to and during the time we lived at Grimmauld Place. After he fell through the veil and that special relationship ended, I felt that it was not necessary that you learn of what had existed between us and I took the letters with me when I left the house. Recently, I have come to believe that I was wrong in doing so and, as I write today, I am waiting for the moment when I can return to Grimmauld Place and bring them back for you to find someday.

I want you to know, Harry, that I am always available to discuss this with you. I'm sure that you will have many questions for me not the least of which is how I could have gone in such a short time from being in love with Sirius to being married with an infant son. I can tell you in person, but I know that sometimes conversations, especially conversations of such a personal nature, can be difficult when held face to face. Taking my cue from Sirius, I've decided to explain in writing.

When Bellatrix's spell hit Sirius and I realized what had happened, I ran after him. My only thought was to stay with him forever, as we had planned. It was when I saw that you were prepared to do the same that I stopped myself and used all of my strength to hold you back. You screamed and pulled at me, Harry, to let you go, and you have no idea how much I wanted to give in to you and allow us both to end our lives with him. But that was not what he wanted. Sirius wanted his life to mean something. Whether that meaning was dying to protect those he loved or living so that those he loved could have a better life. Our dying with him as a sign of our love would not have pleased him. He had no patience for pointless gestures. So instead I stood there, holding you, holding back my tears, trying to focus my attention on what I could do to save your life and the lives of my other friends and colleagues who were in the Department of Mysteries that day. When I returned home that I fell apart.

I don't know how long I was alone there. How long I cried, how long I lay there awake, or how long I slept. It was days at least, a week or two at most. I tried to mentally recall every moment we had been together. I tried to piece together every conversation we had ever had. I tried to think of ways I could have changed things so that he would have stayed with us. I tried to remember if I had tried to keep him in the house or if I had willingly given into his determination to go with me to the Department of Mysteries to rescue you.

It was a shock to me when the doorbell rang and the screaming began. It had been so quiet for so long. I had gotten used to hearing only the sounds of my footsteps, my breath, and my sobs. I stopped the screams, unlocked the door, and was surprised to see Tonks standing there.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked, after we had said our hellos. After seeing my confused expression she added, "We're meeting the other Order members at King's Cross today. Harry is arriving from school, did you remember?"

I didn't remember but muttered that I did. I grabbed my overcoat and joined her outside. Her hair was pink that day. She wore a t-shirt and jeans and looked cheery in a way I could only barely remember feeling.

When I saw you, Harry, there was so much I wanted to tell you about Sirius and how much he had loved you, but I couldn't find the words. I didn't want to betray to you how I had lost as much as you had. You went sadly off with your uncle and Tonks accompanied me back to Grimmauld Place.

"Are you doing alright, Remus?" She asked with concern in her voice. "You look…" she motioned to my clothes which were shabbier than usual. I wasn't sure when the last time was that I had changed them. "You look unwell," she said.

"I'll be fine," I replied, trying to smile in reassurance.

"I mean, are you all set for the moon? It'll be full soon and I was wondering if you needed any help. Do you have the potion?"

"Oh, I…" I realized that I had forgotten. For the first time since I was eleven years old and forced to deal with transformations on my own I had lost track of the moon cycle.

Tonks smiled, "You know, I have to go to the chemist in Diagon Alley anyway. I'll get it for you."

"That would be very helpful. Thank you. I'm sorry, I …" I couldn't finish my thought. My excuses were so numerous and yet so few.

"It's okay," She said warmly, as she kissed me good bye on my cheek. "I know it's hard to lose a friend."

With Tonks' help in procuring the wolfbane potion, I slept through the full moon. The moon waned and I awoke in the early evening expecting to see Sirius keeping his vigil at the foot of our bed. He would smile at me when I opened my eyes. Then he would kiss me and welcome me back to the world. He would care for me, make sure I had something to eat, help me walk when I was weak, and at night he would curl up beside me and hold me. I would fall back to sleep in his arms feeling more loved and comforted than I had ever felt in my life. That night, my first night back from the full moon without Sirius, I turned back into my pillow and wept until I slept again.

When I woke up again it was midnight. "You need to start doing this yourself now," I said to myself and the darkness as I got out of bed. I slowly made my way with the light from my wand down the many sets of stairs to the basement kitchen. When I arrived there I was surprised that the room was not dark. The lamps were burning and asleep at the table was Tonks. Her head was lying on her arms and her long, brown, wavy hair spilled around her face and puddled on the table. I wondered if that was her real hair color or if she even had a real color. I mustn't have been completely awake because I saw my hand reach out and stroke her head, running through those long curls. She woke up with a start. It was her turn to look confused and apologetic.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep. I was waiting to see if you needed anything." She brushed her hair away from her face with a casual stroke of her hand. "Are you feeling okay, Remus? Can I get you something to eat?"

I smiled weakly at her helpfulness, "You can cook?"

Obviously, she hadn't thought about this part of her offer. I saw in her face that she was searching for a response. "I can make toast. Do you like toast?" She leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms above her head, yawning. She was wearing a white t-shirt that said "U2 – UK" on the front. In the bright light of the kitchen I could see that underneath she wore a purple bra.

I was suddenly self-conscious of my own meager attire: a dressing gown and pajamas. "Yes, I do like toast, but I am perfectly capable of making it myself. Why don't you go home and get some rest. I'm fine." I touched the kettle with my wand to prove that I could make my own tea.

"I'm not tired," she said brightly and obviously untruthfully. "I'd love to have tea with you, if you don't mind."

We had our tea and toast and talked about nothing in particular. I felt myself break away slightly from the pain that had overtaken me since Sirius's death and I welcomed the distraction she provided.

When we were done, I walked her to the door. When we got there she said, "Perhaps I'll stop by after work tomorrow evening and we can go for a walk. It won't have to be too long and it'll do you good to get some fresh air." She looked around the house and added, "This house is not a good environment for regaining your strength."

I gave her a weak, uncommitted response, but the next evening, as she had suggested, she arrived at the front door. That day she was wearing black jeans, red trainers, and a grey t-shirt that said "Quidditch World Cup – 1994." Her hair was black and spiked. The air was warm as we began to walk the down Grimmauld Place and around the surrounding streets. She told me about her day and I listened attentively. When there was a break in the conversation and she asked, "So tell me, where are you from, Remus? Where did you grow up?"

I was just about to tell her when I remembered the last time I had been there. It had been right after my parents had died and it was when Sirius and I first became lovers. It started with an accidental kiss, which led to a more consensual one. That quickly led to an experimental shag and then…my breath caught in my throat as I remembered…and then to the first of many exquisite sexual encounters that I would have with him. I remembered how his hands felt on me and how sensuous the sound of his name felt as I said it over and over again the S and R sounds rolling off my tongue.

I stopped walking to catch my breath and try to refocus my thoughts. "Remus, are you okay? Do you want to go back?" she asked with concern.

"Yes," I said, trying to draw back the strength I felt quickly leaving me. "I think I've had enough for now."

I didn't invite her in when we got back home. I went into the drawing room and sat on the sofa. Folded at the end of the sofa was the quilt we had used to cover ourselves on the day before his death. He had loved me vigorously that night and I remembered our bodies entwined and covered in sweat. I brought the blanket to my face to see if it still held his scent. It did and I lay my head upon it, taking him in once again. The tapestry loomed over me as I looked up. "Where are those watchful spirits now, Sirius?" I shouted into the empty room. "Why, Sirius? Why have you abandoned me?" I lay there awake keeping my own vigil as the room got dark and then light again, waiting for his reply.

_To readers and reviewers: Thank you for sticking with the story. Thank you Remuslives23, MissJanine, ShinyObjects, LadyAnalyn, Mr.Breks, AmandaflyingCircus, and Clare Mansfield. I ADORE getting reviews. It lets me know I'm keeping you happy, which is my goal._


	26. Chapter 25 Never Mine to Lose

_A/N: Snape is my hero!_

_Just to clear up some possible confusion, Lupin writes to Harry right after Teddy is born and he has come to terms with the direction in which his life has taken him. He, of course, does not expect to die. Harry finds the letters one year after Lupin's death._

**25. Never Mine to Lose**

Dear Harry:

As I have said, I cannot read what Sirius wrote to you. I can only assume the contents. I hope he conveyed to you how much we loved each other. It was not always that way and it took us a long time to get there, but in the end we were truly in love. It was a love that was intimate and intense, but also playful and filled us both with happiness. Once I had reconciled myself to the fact that he was gone and I had moved on to a new life, I was able look back upon my time with him and say how very lucky I was to have had him.

The day after our first walk, Tonks came back to Grimmauld Place. "Would you like to try to get outside again?" she asked. "It's a beautiful night."

I went with her on the walk. Her hair was pink again and she wore jeans and a black t-shirt that said "F- the Spice Girls!" "What does that mean?" I asked her. I was a little embarrassed by the vulgarity. She laughed and explained muggle popular music to me as we walked. Once again, I was reminded how much alike she and Sirius were. He too had liked expressing opinions that caused heads to turn.

When we returned to Grimmauld Place she said, "Tomorrow night, let's walk somewhere else. We can apparate to a park and explore something beyond this dreary neighborhood." I heard myself agree to meet her again.

The next evening we met in Kensington Park. I didn't recognize her at first. Her hair was red and curly like the women you see on postcards from Ireland. To continue the Irish theme, she wore a green shirt with dragons on it and green high heeled boots. "They're made of dragon skin," she told me when I complimented her on them. It was then I realized I had been cataloging what she had been wearing all the times we had met.

At the end of the walk when we got ready to part ways she said, "I won't be able to make the Order meeting tomorrow. Kingsley thinks one of us should stay behind and I volunteered. Could I come by again tomorrow evening and you can tell me what was said? We can take a walk again, if you like."

I almost asked why she couldn't ask Kingsley or Mad-Eye instead of me, but for a moment the thought of facing an evening without her company frightened me. I didn't want to be alone for all those hours waiting for Sirius to reach out for me. I agreed to see her the next night.

This was the first Order meeting we had since Sirius' death. The lack of his presence was felt by everyone in the room, but especially me. I couldn't concentrate on anything that was said until Dumbledore began talking about the fate of Grimmauld Place.

"The estate officials will be meeting later this week to determine its rightful owner following Sirius Black's death. It is most likely that the house will now be owned by his cousin, Bellatrix Lestange, seeing how Sirius had no heir." Dumbledore began.

"No," I said loudly. Perhaps it was too loudly because everyone seemed shocked to hear my voice. "It's Harry's. Sirius wanted it to be Harry's. He left everything to Harry." In my mind, Sirius had not completely gone, so I hadn't realized until that moment that I was an intruder in Grimmauld Place. It had come to feel like my home when I lived there with Sirius and that feeling had not quite left me.

"Unfortunately, that may be hard to prove without a will," Dumbledore nodded to me as he said it. "Do you know if he ever put his wishes in writing?"

"Yes, he wrote a will on his last birthday." At the time we had joked about how morbid that was. I looked up at the group, "Keep talking. I'll go and find it."

I went into the sitting room to the desk where Sirius had written the will and Tonks and I had signed it as witnesses. It was there that I first saw the portfolio and blank parchment of the letters. I stared at them, wondering what I was to do with them now. I could feel my eyes begin to tear again as I thought of all the memories Sirius must have recorded.

Behind me, standing in the doorway, he cleared his throat. "Lupin," he began and then his voice became softer, "Remus."

I blinked back the tears and turned around. "Yes, Severus?"

Snape was looking at the ground as he addressed me. "I'm sorry for your loss. You know that Black and I … Sirius and I," he corrected himself, "were never close. But to you, Remus, I do not bear the same ill feelings. I wanted to give you my condolences in person and to tell you…" he paused and looked up. "To tell you that once I lost someone close to me who I could not recognize as my own. I understand how painful it is."

I was shocked at his words, but also touched that he had taken the opportunity to speak privately to me. I struggled to keep my emotions in check and found I could not respond. When I said nothing, he continued.

"My advice to you is to put it behind you and to move on. You can spend years thinking of how things might have been and how you could have changed events to make them work out a different way. If you do that, then you will slowly die inside and I know from experience that this is far more painful than the hurt you feel today.

"Perhaps I am wrong in estimating how painful his death is for you. If so, and you feel you need to insult me and my assumptions then go ahead. I've had far worse." He stood there, stoically awaiting my response.

"No," I said softly. I looked directly at him. "No. You are not wrong. It has been hard. I appreciate your condolences, Severus." I heard my voice begin to break and stopped. Snape must have heard it too because he nodded and began to turn away.

"I will tell them that you are still looking and need another moment," he said as he was about to leave.

"Severus," I managed to say before he left the room. "I am sorry for your loss as well."

Snape shrugged, "There is no need. It was a long time ago and, in reality, she was never mine to lose."

It was raining when Tonks arrived at the house. She was wearing a yellow mackintosh and the green dragon skin books I had admired the previous night. Her hair was frosted blond and short with soft curls. "You look like the Princess of Wales," I joked with her as I searched in the troll leg umbrella stand for an umbrella large enough for both of us, but with a handle that wouldn't bite.

She laughed and hit me on my arm the way that mates do. I realized that she had stopped kissing me on the cheek at night. Perhaps she now felt we were mates rather than cousins by default through my friendship with Sirius. I was beginning to feel that his death was changing everything from where I lived to who my family was.

As we walked I told her about the meeting and the fate of Grimmauld Place. "I hope Dumbledore can get them to agree that it is Harry's," she said, "I'll be so angry if…"she shook her head, "if she gets it." After a few minutes of quiet Tonks said, "Remus, do they blame me for not killing her when I had the chance?" She looked up at me and her eyes were glassy.

"No, of course not!" I put my free arm around her shoulder. I felt her lean slightly towards me.

"I wish I had been able to do it. I almost did, but she looks so much like my mum. They are sisters, you know. I felt…" she didn't finish. "Harry shouldn't have lost Sirius like that. We all shouldn't have. I could have prevented it."

With conviction I told her, "Bellatrix Lestrange is an expert dueler. She's been doing this longer than either you or I have. It's possible that she could have killed you, too. As for Sirius," I thought of what Snape had said earlier, "we can spend a lifetime wondering how we could have stopped it, but it doesn't change that he is gone." The fact this didn't bring tears to my eyes surprised me. I took my arm from her shoulder and we walked on in silence.

"So," she said finally, "are you going to ask Harry if you can stay in the house? Assuming all goes well and it passes to him, that is."

"No, I asked Dumbledore for an assignment away from London. He needs someone out working to get the support of other magical creatures. Hagid did it with the giants and I offered to work on the werewolves, although I'm not that hopeful of their support."

"Oh, you're leaving?" she stopped walking and looked at me. She seemed as sad to hear this as she was when she talked about Bellatrix.

"Yes. It's for the best I think." I had already begun to pack my few belongings into an old trunk. That night I added the portfolio of enchanted letters.

The weather had cleared up the next day and Tonks arrived as usual. We hadn't made plans but secretly I had been expecting her. That day her hair was chin length, wavy and dark brown. She looked like an actress from the 1920s and I found this hairstyle very appealing. She wore a pink cotton dress that was soft and feminine with white high heeled sandals. I remarked on her different choice of attire as we stood in the hallway.

She sighed, "Periodically, the Ministry officials speak to me about adopting a more 'conservative' look at the office." She shook her head and gave me a mischievous smile. "So I comply for a few days and when they forget about me, I go back to dressing as I please."

She made me smile at the thought of her challenging Dolores Umbridge. "Shall we go?" I said, motioning her to the door.

"Do you mind if I come in first?" She asked. I agreed and before I could steer her in another direction, she headed upstairs into the drawing room, the hem of her dress brushing against the back of her bare legs. The drawing room had become sacred to me; a shrine to the memory of the family Sirius and I had talked about building the last time we were in there. I felt uncomfortable with her there, as if she could see, hear, and smell what Sirius and I had done. I sat down next to her on the sofa, surreptitiously moving the quilt that was still there on to the floor as I did so. She didn't seem to notice. She was focused on what she had to say.

"Remus," Tonks began, "I always got the feeling that Sirius was trying to protect me because I'm his cousin. Did he," she paused, "did he discourage you from developing a closer friendship with me?"

This took me completely off guard. "Erm…sort of," I didn't know how else to respond.

"I thought so," she smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. "Because I fancy you, Remus. I really like you and I've felt that perhaps you were holding back on me out of respect for Sirius. Now that you're leaving, I need you to know how I feel and if you feel the same way, then maybe we can continue to see each other somehow."

Her voice and eyes were bright as she spoke. I realized then why I found her appearance today so attractive: she looked like Sirius. The way her brown wavy hair fell into her eyes as she spoke and her enthusiastic smile as she told me her secrets accentuated their family resemblence. Looking at her was like seeing the best parts of him, waiting attentively for me to speak, eyes full of anticipation. And I kissed her.

I kissed her the way I had kissed Sirius, with the masculine power I knew he had wanted and expected. At first her body moved backward, surprised by the force, but almost immediately she met me with a power of her own. Our mouths opened and we greedily took each other in. I knew she wasn't Sirius. Her taste was sweet and her cheeks had none of the manly roughness to which I had become accustom. I moved my hands into her hair as I had done so many times with him. If she was surprised by my actions, it was nothing close to how I felt. Did I really want her or had grief clouded my better judgement? Her hand moved around my back and began to snake under my shirt, softly touching my skin. I felt my body begin to react to her and I stopped.

Her face was flushed pink and she smiled widely at me. "Mother of Merlin, Remus! I had no idea!" She moved back toward me for another kiss.

"No," I said, "We can't. I don't … it's not right. You may think you fancy me, but you haven't really thought this through. We work together. You've been very kind spending time with me lately, but it can't be more than that. I'm much older than you and you may think you're attracted to me, but you're not. It's just all the excitement and tragedy of being in the Order."

Her eyes turned then and blazed angrily at me. She looked even more like Sirius in her anger than she had in her happiness. "Don't tell me how I feel, Remus! How can you say it's not right? That was the best snog I've ever had in my life. Don't tell me that you didn't feel anything!"

"Tonks, I'm sorry if I misrepresented myself. I like you, but you are too young to realize why this would never work." It was a lie. I did feel something, but I was ashamed of myself for taking out my confusion on someone so young and vulnerable.

"So, you think I'm a child?" she shouted. She stood up and moved the piece of dark hair from her eyes. "A child who doesn't know how she feels or what she wants? And that kiss, what was that? Were you just playing with me then? Thanks a lot, Remus!" And before I could respond she was out the door.

Tonks did not come over for our evening walk the next night or the one after that; although I waited for her in the drawing room, looking at the place where she should have been on the Black family tree. I knew that I had lost her when she didn't come that first night, but I kept hoping.

In the meantime, I spoke to Arthur Weasley about my plans and he told me I could store my trunk in his shed while I was away. Molly invited me to come to your birthday celebration.When I saw you Harry, I wanted to tell you how much I missed him and how much Sirius and I both loved you and wanted to create a life with you. But, of course, I did not.

Using our wands, Bill and I lifted my trunk into the loft of the Weasley's shed. "If anything should happen to me," I told Bill, "There's nothing of value in there that needs to be saved - just sentimental things, some photos of my parents, and letters." I pictured the blank pieces of parchment, so earnestly written upon by Sirius in those last weeks. "I have no next of kin, so you can destoy them."

"Nothing will happen," Bill assured me with a smile, but I could tell he knew of the dark and dangerous days ahead and was putting forth a good front.

We stored my belongings next to the trunks and boxes saving the many precious remnants from the Weasley family's life together. As I watched my trunk rise, I felt I was moving a coffin into a mausoleum. A coffin that held the dead promise of a family that would never happen. In the background I heard the happy sounds of you and the Weasley children as you played a spirited game of Quidditch. I mourned that family, but perhaps, as Snape had said, it had never been mine to lose.

_To readers and reviewers: coming up next, slash in a flashback. Thanks for the reviews LadyA, RemusLives, Chivels-life, MissJanine, ShinyObjects and ClareMansfield. Just to be clear, I'm not a Tonks fan, but I hope I can make her work for you and for Remus._


	27. Chapter 26 A Long December

_A/N: on page 330 of the Bloomsbury UK edition of HBP Hermione asks Harry after he returns from Christmas at the Weasley's "How's Lupin?" Harry replies "Not good."_

**26. A Long December**

Before I left on my self-imposed exile among the werewolves, Molly made me promise to return for Christmas. She said it was her way of repaying me for the previous year when Sirius and I had hosted them at Grimmauld Place. As I sat by the Weasley's fire on Christmas Eve, the memories of the previous year came vividly back to me.

I had been away from home on Order business during the weeks leading up to the holiday. I returned home on Christmas Eve with packages carrying the books that Sirius and I had decided to give you as presents. The spirit of the season had put me in a good mood and I was really looking forward to seeing him after having been away for so long. "Seer – Ree – Usss!" I cried loudly as I entered the house, pulling his lovely name out to emphasize the syllables.

Sirius came downstairs quickly. "He is here, Remus! He has come for Christmas!"

"You sound like the Angel Gabriel," I laughed, but then I notices the elves' heads had been decorated with Father Christmas caps and the house felt remarkably cheerier. "Harry is here?" I questioned him.

"Yes. And Molly and her children are here, too." He explained what had happened to Arthur as we walked upstairs to our room. Along the way we greeted one of the Weasley twins and explained that Sirius was going to fill me in on all that had happened in my absence while I got settled. It was a ploy to get some time alone.

In case Sirius was unclear in his letters to you, Harry, we were lovers in every sense of the word. We loved each other with heart, soul and, yes, body. When we shut the door after arriving at the bedroom we kissed each other with a passion that had been building during our long separation. So powerful was our embrace that I pushed him up against the wall with a crash that sounded as if it rocked the entire house. Being with Sirius was one of the few times outside of the waxing moon that I was able to feel the wolf pull himself through my human form. We shed our clothes as we moved throughout the room grasping and kissing each other. "I missed you." I whispered in a rare moment when he allowed me to take a breath.

"I love you," he told me, looking into my eyes as he pulled me down onto the bed. I held his gaze as long as I could. His eyes always said more to me than he did. Sirius was a man a few words. He affected a demeanor of being reckless and uncaring, but inside he was healing from great internal pain, just as I was. That was one of the many things that drew us to one another. I had lost a part of my life when I was bitten. Sirius always wanted to be loved and to love, but his family had poisoned him. Together we healed each other as we loved each other.

"Where are you going," he asked me as I tried to slip out from under him.

"My wand, it's in my robe." I thought it prudent to cast a muffling charm at that moment, as well as lock the door.

"No, stay here," Sirius said pinning me with a kiss as well as his strong hands.

"But, we have a house full of people, many of them underage." I managed to get a few words in despite his insistent lips. "And we are trying to hide this from all of them."

"We'll just be quiet," he said softly, as I felt him relinquish control to me. "Can you do that?"

I took over from him, letting the animal inside me guide my movements. "I'll try, but it'll be your fault if we are caught." At that moment I didn't really care who knew.

It is safe to say that Christmas day at Grimmauld Place was Sirius' happiest Christmas ever. Not only were you there with us, Harry, but he thoroughly enjoyed the company and the chaos of the Weasley family. I know you heard Sirius say many times how much he hated his family and he did hate everything the Blacks stood for; however, he grew up in a large extended family and for him that was the norm. Before your parents died, they had taken him and me into your family for holidays and Sirius had hoped that James and Lily would have more children and would eventually replicate the more pleasant experiences of his childhood. During that Christmas we were with you and the Weasley's, Sirius got to experience everything he ever wanted from the holiday. You must remember how happy he had been.

"I understand why people have large families," he told me Christmas night as we slipped into bed beside one another. "Because sometimes love is so great that it can't be contained by just two people. It needs to be shared with others, like children." He placed his head on my shoulder, thoughtfully.

"And what about people like us – two people who love each other, but aren't destined to have children? What will we do if our love grows and spills over?" I placed a kiss on his head and my arms around him.

"We can add people and create out own family," he said, pulling back to look at me. "The family I was born into never gave me much love, but this family…this family asleep downstairs, and Harry, and you and me, I can see our love growing larger and encompassing us all."

We left the lights on so I could watch the love fill up in his grey eyes and pour over into me. I was always disappointed when he closed them to enjoy the sensation. My love for him was powerful. It pushed aside the wolf that stood between us and let his love wash over me. I held my breath until I saw his eyes flutter open and then, looking into them, I breathed out, sending all of my love into him.

It isn't a coincidence that Christmas comes right after the Winter Solstice. It happens this way to represent light being brought back into a dark world. When Sirius left me I believed that my world would always be dark. Sitting by the fire the next Christmas at the Weasley's I felt his loss so much more than I had in the previous months, even more than when I was alone in the wilderness. This, after all, was what he was living for: a large family, the happiness of an approaching wedding, the sacred tradition of Christmas, and you.

Your voice brought me back as I heard you discuss Snape with Arthur. I hope you understand now why I was so adamant in my defense of him. He was keeping my secret and had shared his with me. Talking about Snape reminded me of his advice to me and, for some reason, of Tonks.

It wasn't the first time I had thought of her. During many cold nights in the wilderness I found myself thinking of her laughter and the warm sunlight that lay upon as we walked on those summer nights. Molly had brought up her name several times to me, but I said I wasn't interested in her or in discussing it. I was sorry about how we had left things and hoped she had come to realize that I was right. On Boxing Day I went to see her.

She was at her parents' house as I had expected. The Tonks family was not expecting visitors and was surprised by my arrival. Tonks looked especially pleased to see me. She introduced her parents and they left us alone in the sitting room. Tonks turned her back to me in order to close the pocket doors. She was barefoot, wearing an old Hufflepuff Quiddich jersey and old jeans that were too tight and too short. Watching her from behind, I made note of her red and green painted toenails, her well-turned ankles and her attractive backside. I changed the subject.

"I see what you meant about your mum. The resemblance is quite strong, if not scary," I tried to joke.

She turned around and began shouting at me. "I'm still mad angry with you, Remus Lupin! You had no right to say those things to me? I'm risking my life for the Order, not to mention as an Auror and you say I'm a child! And where do you get off telling me about my own feelings? You don't …"

"Is everything alright in there, Dora?" Ted Tonks asked as he rapped discretely on the door.

"Yes, Dad, everything's fine," Tonks said through the closed door, shooting me an accusing glance. "I just got carried away." We heard him walk away and we sat down on the sofa.

"Dora?" I asked her with a smirk.

"It's better than the alternative," she rolled her eyes. "Dad wanted to name me something ordinary like Jane. It was Mum who wanted Nymphadora; but Dad said by then he knew better than to argue with a Black who has raging hormones."

I laughed, "Don't I know it!" When she looked puzzled I added, "I was Sirius' roommate at Hogwarts all through puberty."

She shuddered with mock fear and laughed. When she stopped she asked, "Are you doing better? You seemed really saddened by his death when I last saw you."

"You never really get used to losing people," was my uncommitted response.

She asked me about my time with the werewolves. I told her what I had learned and she caught me up on what was happening with the Order. I told her about Christmas at the Weasley's, the plans for Bill and Fleur's wedding and she asked after you, Harry. Our conversation was easy and I enjoyed her attention and company. The days had been dark for so long and I welcomed the brightness that being with her brought to me.

When we had finished catching up, she caught me staring at her. I was trying to breathe in the vision of her, letting the soft vapors form a memory to keep with me when I went away again. "Your hair," I said as an excuse. "Molly said you weren't…" I motioned metamorphosis with my hands. Her hair was spiky and yellow like her jersey.

"I was pretty sad myself for awhile, but Mum and Dad have managed to cheer me up. But now you're here and maybe I'll turn into a flubberworm or something depressing like that." I couldn't tell which was mocking me: her dancing eyes or her frown.

As I looked into her eyes to determine which it was, I saw Sirius pulling me in. It's hard to explain this, but all that he brought to me: goodness, unconditional love, the promise of passion was drawing me towards her. Just days before I had felt all that was in the past for me; but in her gaze I saw that, just as winter will always open himself up to the wonders and light of spring, it could be reborn. His love was still inside me, waiting.

It was her. Her youth, her optimism, her joy, and the life that radiated from her that drove me to kiss her again. But it was also him. I felt him in my need to be close to her and in my momentary sense that there could be a possibility of loving again. If she truly had been angry with me, she had gotten over it quickly. She didn't protest when I leaned in towards her and this time she expected the force with which I kissed her. She placed her hands on my neck and held me close to her. I savored the feeling of being needed again.

We were smiling when we pulled apart. She pulled her wand from her pocket and pointed it at the door. "Locking charm," she whispered. She had done this before.

"Muffling charm," I whispered back after I cast it. We smiled at our conspiracy and began kissing again. I felt a warmth envelope me as my hands touched her skin and she touched mine. Our kisses were fierce, but there was no malice in them. We were attracted to each other and had an overwhelming need to touch what lay before us. I found myself falling into her, lost to all that was around me.

She pulled away from me and removed her jersey. Underneath she wore a red bra decorated with white snowflakes that fastened in the front. She looked so beautiful as she lay back, her skin white against the dark velvet sofa. I moved my hands towards the clasp as my mouth made its way along her soft throat to her ear. "Yes," she said, giving her consent to my unasked question, "Yes."

But suddenly I was seventeen years old again, shocked to find myself naked and in bed with another boy, yet pleased that my lips, my touch, and my teenage sexual skill could bring so much excitement to Sirius Black. Even to his roommates, Sirius was a mystery. It was this air of mystery that caused girls to flock to him, shyer boys to avoid him, and Slytherins to taunt him. As he lay beneath me, my tongue softly circling his ear, I felt that I alone understood him in a way that no one had before, not even James. I saw his secret self revealed to me as he encouraged me whispering, "Yes. Yes."

Back then, I didn't know that this was just foreplay and within minutes we would make love for the first time. I didn't even try to stop the wolf as he pulled himself through. With his animal knowlege it felt almost instinctual, natural, and my mind went blank as it does during transformations. Blank except for my complete awareness of him and the wolf began to fade away I said his name over and over again. I opened myself up to him, giving him my entire being, my soul, my heart. I felt my secret wounds begin to heal, my private sadness becoming joy, my emptiness begin to fill with warmth. Sirius called out my name then and I pulled him close against me, sharing with him all that I had to give.

"Is anything wrong," Tonks asked. My hands, once so eager to explore the worlds hidden beneath those snowflake, remained unmoving upon the clasp of her bra.

Her words brought me back and I remembered who I was now. I was nearly thirty-seven, almost completely grey, with cruel monthly transformations, and a history of an intense love affair with a man. I could never explain to her what I had had with Sirius. She deserved better than a man who would always lie to her.

"This isn't a good idea," I said, picking her shirt off the floor and handing it to her. "I'm sorry. I like you, Tonks…Dora, I really do, but we can't be together. I'm not right for you. I'm not the man you think I am."

She looked exasperated, but did not get dressed. "What? Why?" she asked loudly, "because you're a werewolf? That isn't a surprise, you know."

"It's that, but also because I'm so much older than you."

"I know that too. You don't understand do you, Remus? I've fancied you since the day I met you. I've wanted you since that day we collected Harry from the Muggles. This is not some passing infatuation. I've been dreaming of the day when we would lie together in each other's arms. And don't say you don't want me because I can tell you do. I feel you understand me in a way that no other man has before. Your age, your condition, none of that matters to me. Only you do." She poured her heart out to me as I sat there, unable to move.

"It matters to me," I said weakly. "I feel like I'm taking advantage…"

"…of someone who doesn't know any better?" she finished my sentence. "Haven't we been over this? Stop thinking of me as being a child that needs to be protected! You're not Sirius!"

I hated hearing his name as a weapon against me. I wanted to be back with him. I wanted to be back in a time when I knew what I wanted and what he wanted and what the world had in store for us. A future with him would not have been easy, but neither had been the past. I just wished I had had that chance. "I'm sorry," I said as I unlocked the door with my wand and left. As I walked away I thought I heard someone calling for me to return. It was most likely Tonks, but it sounded to me like Sirius.

_To Readers and Reviewers: Thanks for the reviews. I'm so glad you are sticking with this story and for giving Tonks a chance. It means a lot to me._


	28. Chapter 27 Truth Be Told

_A/N: Remus in the last chapters of HBP._

**27. Truth Be Told**

Dumbledore summoned me back in the late spring. Greyback had bitten, and subsequently killed, a child and he felt my presence was needed closer to Hogwarts. Other Order members were taking turns patrolling the school, which made running into Tonks unavoidable. Even with her sad expression and lank, mousey brown hair I found her so beautiful that it was hard to stay away. I felt with her as I did with Sirius when I was a much younger man; as if I was being bitten on the inside by scorpions and the only way to stop it was through the refuge of her body.

It wasn't only physically that I wanted her. Her voice and her very being warmed me. While I still carried Sirius and his love inside me, I felt myself ready to participate in the life of another. To share what I had become through his love with others and bring joy to their lives as he had done for me. The paradox was that I wasn't willing to expose myself to another and Tonks, I believed, needed someone who did not have the wounds of life and lost love that I had.

"Oh, Remus, Remus!" she called to me, running forward to embrace me when I first saw her. "I've been so worried!"

I held her, not wanting to let her go. Others were there and greeted me so I had to release her to shake their hands. After that, I made an effort to keep my distance so that I would not be tempted as I had been before.

Dumbledore died shortly afterward. Like everyone else, his death hit me hard. He had given me a chance and ultimately the happiest days of my life. He had shared with me his secret of lost love and brought me back into your life, Harry. I remembered what Snape had said to me about slowly dying inside and wondered if it was that death which caused his heart to turn and kill. I worried about what I would become without love in my life. I would have gone on wondering if Tonks hadn't exposed her secret desire for me in front of everyone in the hospital wing.

"I think we should talk," I said to her with conviction and bravery I did not feel. We had left Hogwarts and had arrived alone in Hogsmeade "Would you like to come up?" She agreed and followed me into the Hog's Head where I had rented a room. I was grateful that Albeforth was not there to watch me walk in with her and pass judgment as we crept up the dark, narrow staircase to the confines of my private space.

"You can sit anywhere you like," I told her. There was only one rickety chair and a bed. I was trying to waste time before I said what I needed to tell her. She hopped on to the edge of the bed and I sat slowly in the chair, hoping it would not break.

"You were right when you said that I fancied you," I began. "I do, very much. But there are some realities…" she began to interrupt, but I stopped her. "I'm not a young man. You know that I'm way too old to be asking someone to the graduation dance or the like. Being romantically involved means more at my age, are you aware of that?"

She cleared her throat and with a mischievous smile said, "I've had other boyfriends, Remus. Once again, let me point out that I'm not THAT young."

I nodded at her implication. "That's not all I meant. I mean things have a way of becoming more long term as you get older and before anyone's heart gets broken we need to understand each other." I paused. She still looked interested. "There are some things you don't know about me. Some things that I know may affect your interest in me. I'm afraid that when I tell you these things you may choose to turn away from me. But, I accept that because, Tonks, I don't want to hurt you any more."

She smiled lovingly at me, "I'm sure it's not that bad, Remus." Her optimism made me sad for what I was about to do.

"Don't say that until you've heard me," I tried to joke before taking a breath and continuing. "First, I can't father children. Werewolves are sterile, in case you didn't know. I love children and I would be open to other options, but you can't expect them from me." I waited for her response.

"Well, now I'm grateful to be younger than you," she laughed lightly. "I think we have plenty of time to think about that and whether or not we want options. I'm not worried about the future, Remus. I've seen enough today to know the future may never come. It is now that I want you." She slid back a bit on the bed, getting more comfortable. "Is there more?"

"Unfortunately, yes." I smiled then it disappeared. "I suppose you can guess that I have been with other women." She agreed with a smile that she could. "But…" I had never said it out loud before. I had let others express their knowledge or assumptions but the secret that Sirius and I kept for so long had never before passed my lips. "What you don't know, what no one knows, is that when Sirius and I were living at Grimmauld Place…"

All of a sudden I didn't want to tell her. As the words formed in my mind they sounded illicit. How could I explain the love Sirius and I had shared without losing her? The truth was that I had recognized her attraction to me from the beginning and had willingly participated in the flirtation. I had pretended to Sirius that it did not exist because I loved him and I would never leave him for another. I had gotten myself to this point and Tonks would bear the brunt of my carelessness.

I also felt that if I no longer kept the secret, Sirius would be lost to me, released in my breath as I spoke, and I couldn't bear to let him go. I looked at her, trying to think of a way that I could escape from this conversation and from what I had begun to share with her. Our eyes met and once again I saw him. He tugged at me, pulling me into this new place where I was unsure I wanted to go.

She was waiting for me to continue. I saw in her eyes that Sirius wanted her to know.

"Was there someone else?" she asked, hoping to get me to continue.

"Yes. There was someone. Tonks, Sirius and I lived together at Grimmauld Place as lovers. And even before that we were involved."

She looked at me in disbelief, trying to make sense of what I had just said.

Then the words began to stream forth from me. My voice was no longer cautious, but hard and sharp. "In case you're wondering what I mean by that, I mean that we shared a life and a bed. We loved each other, if he had not died, I would be with him now."

The wolf inside me howled as I continued to reveal my secrets."I know you're thinking 'they couldn't have been…' but yes, we were. If you're picturing all kinds of indecent sexual acts, we probably did them. I can bet that we did everything you could possibly imagine and then some. After twelve years in Azkaban, he rarely let a night go by without a shag. And he was innovative in bed. He surprised me all the time with the many different ways he could..."

"Stop!" she shouted. "Just stop. Now you're just being cruel." Her expression was unreadable as she absorbed all I had told her.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "But now you know." We were both silent. I could hear people talking loudly downstairs in the tavern. The news of Dumbledore's death had begun to spread into town.

"So," she said finally. "You're gay?"

"No. Yes. I don't know," I shrugged. "You can call it whatever you want. I never labeled it. I loved him. There was never anyone else. There were women who shared my bed over the years, but never any men other than him. What we had was…" I shook my head. I never knew how to explain it in words.

She said nothing for a long time. I did not know whether she was just shocked or if she was disgusted. I was certain that what I had said had ruined things between us. I searched for Sirius inside me, but I could not find him. I hoped he had not left me just as I hoped that Tonks had not.

"Now you know why I refused you those times when we were together. It wasn't you. As I said before, you deserved someone young and whole, someone whose past is not tortured with lost love. I believe I am now ready to move on after his death, but I know it'll take me some time to find someone who accepts me and who knows that my love for Sirius will always live on inside me. That doesn't preclude me from loving another. Sirius loved me and he wouldn't want me to go through the rest of my life unhappy." Sirius had once told me a similar thing about James.

"And that person, that person who loves and accepts you, that person who you want, she cannot be me?" Tonks asked.

"I just assumed you wouldn't want me. It's not too late for you to turn around. No hearts will be broken." But I knew mine would be, if only a little. We both agreed that there was a lot to think about and she left my room with a quiet good-bye.

Morning had arrived by then and I lay on the bed thinking about Dumbledore and Snape and what I had said to Tonks. I thought about Sirius, wondering if he was indeed watching over me and what he would have thought about my conversation with Tonks. There was a soft knock on my door. When I opened it she was standing there. In the dim light of the hallway we looked at each other. Sirius was once again in her eyes, smiling knowingly at me.

Of course it was different with her. It is different with every new lover. We began cautiously with soft, slow kisses. Gradually we became more comfortable as we explored the unmapped territories where we both for so long had wanted to travel. As we lay together naked, looking at the body that we each would soon possess, I told her about the wolf that stirred inside me and how he pushed himself forward in times of passion.

"I'm not frightened," she told me. I believed her because, after watching her duel Death Eaters earlier, I doubted anything frightened her.

She reached for her wand to cast what I assumed to be a contraceptive charm and I stopped her. "It doesn't matter, remember?"

She laughed for the first time since she had entered my room. "Now that's a silver lining! I tend to be forgetful about such things." I kissed her then and moved to continue what we had started. There would be plenty of time for her to tell me about her past.

During next few days we had sad work to do for the Order, but at night we returned to the sanctuary of my bed. I felt Sirius' presence ebb away from me, but it did not sadden me as I feared it would. My growing love for Tonks filled the empty spaces. When we made love during those nights I felt her soul reach tentatively towards mine. My soul slowly opened and gently allowed her in.

"Dora," I said, trying out her nickname during an intimate moment. "When we're like this, I can't call you by your surname."

"I can live with that," she agreed as she pressed her body into mine. "Just as long as we keep it private."

Although I had been the one to tell her that things move quickly at my age, I didn't expect to be married to her so soon. After Dumbledore had been laid to rest in his tomb we talked about what to do next. She asked if I wanted to move in with her. She said that both of us would be so busy in the coming months that we could not afford to waste those precious hours of night that may be our only time together. I refused her offer. I no longer wanted to be someone's secret lover.

"You're so old fashioned!" she scolded me. "Living together would not be a secret. I will boldly call you my lover."

I laughed with her. "Yes, and I will have to put up with scandalized looks from the Order members and your parents when they imagine this old bloke shagging someone so young and lovely."

"Hypocrites!" she scoffed. "If we were married, no one would think twice."

Once it subject of marriage was mentioned it took on a life of its own. I don't remember asking her to marry me and I don't remember her saying yes. But within a few weeks we were standing together in the sunshine of her parents' garden. I wore a suit that had belonged to Ted Tonks when he was younger and thinner. Tonks wore the pink dress she had worn the day when I first kissed her. Her hair was blond and woven with flowers into a French braid. She looked beautiful and I knew I loved her; but when asked if I, Remus John Lupin, would take Nymphadora Amaryllis Tonks to be my wife, I wondered how I had gotten there. Who had I become? Was it really even me in these unfamiliar clothes?

She smiled hopefully at me as I struggled for my response. And then I felt Sirius rise up inside me and say in my voice, "I do."

_A/N: Thank you LadyA, ShinyObjects, RemusLives, and Amanda's F.C. and everyone else who reads this story. Thank you slash lovers for sticking with it. I mentioned once before that I'm a review slut so I appreciate any and every comment. You can also PM me. The story is not over yet._


	29. Chapter 28 Shackled to a Heart

_A/N: Slash in a flashback (Slashback?) _

_At the time of their marriage, Tonks is 23 and Remus is 37. It's a big age difference but he's not exactly robbing the cradle. _

**28. Shackled to a Heart**

Your parents' wedding, Harry, was truly a wonderful event. There were so many people present and all of them were full of happiness for Lily and James. The love between the two of them was palpable. It flowed through the air like perfume inspiring a desire in everyone present to be in love just like them. That love made Lily even more beautiful and James handsome. Sirius was always the most handsome man in a crowd and I can still remember the look of his brilliant smile as he handed James the ring, so happy that James had what James had always wanted.

As the night wore on candles, lit with wands began floating in the air, encouraging all to continue dancing, drinking, and feasting. Sirius danced with all of the pretty girls and I noticed that each of the girls wore an expression that was equally coy and predatory as they wondered who would be going home with him. But I knew. As he left the dance floor on his way to the bar his hand brushed mine. He reached for my fingers and we stood for a brief moment, not looking at our hands but into each others' eyes. I knew I was the one he wanted.

The night ended with James shouting, "I love you, Lily Evans Potter!" at the top of his lungs. While all believed his sentiment, it was an indication that James, like the rest of us, had had enough to drink and the celebration was soon brought to a close.

"Can I give you a lift, Moony?" Sirius asked casually as he said goodnight to his last dance partner.

I accepted his offer and climbed upon the motorbike. We flew to his flat rather than mine. He had no intention of taking me home. As soon as we entered the flat he kissed me hard. He need was great, but his sentiment was tender and loving. His hands slowly undid the buttons on my shirt, moving downward until he got to my trousers. After undoing my belt buckle, he knelt down in front of me. I felt his breath upon me and made a sound of protest, not because I didn't like what he was doing, but because that was how things were between us then. We kept up the pretense that we didn't plan to be together, but were driven to each other by some outside force. We had been together about three times while at Hogwarts and probably a half dozen times since leaving school and the date of your parents' wedding. Each time it was after some excuse that we were just dropping by or one of us would ask the other to come over on some pretense. Neither of us wanted to acknowledge how much we wanted this.

Upon hearing my feeble protest, Sirius spoke. He didn't look at my face, but straight ahead. "Don't Remus," he whispered. "Don't tell me all the reasons why you shouldn't be here. Just don't think about them. Don't think about anything. Just allow yourself and allow me to enjoy the moment." I knew then that, like all the guests at Lily and James' wedding, Sirius also wanted to experience how it was to be in love. I muttered a sound of encouragement and he continued.

When I felt the wolf stir inside me, I stopped him. I knelt down to face him, looking into his eyes. Even in the darkness of the room, I could see deep within him, into that place that was soft and vulnerable, trusting and needy. I could see the emptiness that only love could fill. I kissed his mouth and his throat, undoing his clothes with speed, as I eased him backward onto the rug. The wolf calmed as I gave to Sirius the same pleasure he had given me, listening to his sounds of rising fulfillment. When he reached the precipice, he sat up and pushed off my shirt. He placed his mouth on my chest and ran his tongue over all the places he knew I wanted him to go. I lay back, letting him to roam freely, relaxing into his unguarded passion.

We continued this back and forth until dawn. As the light began to filter through the windows, Sirius stood up bold and naked before me. He had a wonderful physique in those days and, while I was never one to admire the male body, his was a work of art. He held out his hand to me to help me off the floor.

"Come to bed with me, Remus," he said softly. "Come into my bed and let me…" In his voice and in his eyes I could see him trying to say 'let me love you,' but instead he smirked and said "Let me shag you like I did the first time, that time when this was new and we were reckless and young."

I believed I loved him that night. I gave myself knowing that he would take me gently, giving to me from that secret place inside himself. It felt different that night, as if inside every touch, every kiss, every brush of his fingers, every stroke of his tongue there was something more than sex and desire. I wanted to scream it out that night, for to be in love alone is an emptiness I felt I couldn't bear. But I didn't say it. I kept my love secret and silent because my fear of what it would mean for me to love a man and my fear that he would laugh at my sentimentality outweighed my need to tell him and my desire to live forever without that feeling of emptiness.

I should have known that he felt the same way. I should have realized that after a wedding where everyone wanted someone to love, Sirius had chosen to be with me. How much time was wasted? How much pain could have been spared if I hadn't been afraid? Would things have been different if I hadn't waited to tell him? Would those words have mattered? Would they have kept him in my arms and out of Azkaban? Would it have kept him from the fate of Belletrix's wand? Back then, I longed to hear him say he loved me. Years later, when he was ready to do so, I found that I already knew.

The sound of his steady breathing told me that Sirius had fallen asleep on top of my back. I tried to slide out from under him in order to make my way home and avoid an uncomfortable morning after scene, but he woke up and stopped me. "Stay with me, Remus," he whispered. "Sleep with me and make the night last a little longer." Wordlessly I curled my body against his. His arms wrapped around me and for the first time since leaving school, we slept, really slept, in the same bed. The intimacy of that simple act warmed my heart.

I don't think anyone was as inspired at my wedding. This is not to say that it was a bad wedding; it was just a quiet one. The only people present were Adromeda and Ted, Molly and Arthur, Bill and Fleur, and, of course, Tonks and myself. Bill and I had become quite friendly since his accident and he had known Tonks in school, so he has happy for the invitation. "You're doing this right," he said of our quick, simple ceremony. "Mum is beside herself with planning for my wedding. I'm not sure any of us will survive it!"

"Either it's very right or we're rushing things to avoid thinking how wrong it is." That was the first time I had ever expressed the sentiment that ran like a warning through my head.

"Remus, if you have doubts, mate…" Bill began, earnestly.

I laughed as if I had been joking, "Don't worry. Wedding jitters are pretty cliché in the groom. Tonks is confident and that's what counts."

"She's confident about everything," Bill remarked, shaking his head. "Every year she was confident Hufflepuff would win the Quidditch cup."

"And did they?" I asked.

"As a matter of fact, they did the year she was captain," Bill said almost with disbelief. "Maybe you're smart to keep following her instincts."

I'm sure Andromeda and Ted were not thrilled with their daughter's choice of a husband, but they kept their disappointment to themselves. They had eloped because of the Black family's disapproval of their marriage plans, (disapproval being a mild term for how the Black's felt about Ted) so they didn't try and dissuade Tonks. I also believe that after years of practice they knew better than to argue with her once she had made up her mind. They were kind enough to offer their home for the wedding and were polite and respectful to me.

After the brief ceremony, the guests toasted to our happiness and Tonks and I returned to our flat with a bottle of champagne and two glasses. We laughed as I carried her over the threshold, which is a bit old fashioned and sexist since it was her home to begin with, but she didn't mind. We took off our wedding clothes and drank champagne in bed. I unwound her hair, allowing the still fresh flowers to fall upon the pillows. She lay down among the blossoms, her long blond hair streaming around her face and for the first time in my life, I made love as a married man.

When I awoke, she was sitting up in bed holding the sheet against her chest. She was smiling and her hair was the bright, pink color that she preferred. "Say good morning to Mrs. Lupin," she told me.

"My mother's here?" I teased her, forcing a look of shock on to my face. "Merlin's beard, woman, get some clothes on and make yourself decent!" She screamed with laughter and pretended to beat me with her pillow. She wrestled me as a punishment for my bad joke. As she sat on my legs in an effort to pin me, she looked down at my body and it's reaction to her playful presence, then back up at my face. She smiled and raised her eyebrows. I smiled back. "That's how I say 'Good morning, Mrs. Lupin,'" I replied to her unasked question.

"And this," she said shifting position, taking in that which was displayed so prominent before her, "is how I say 'Good morning, my husband.'" I gasped and lay back, surrendering myself to her soft, sensual motion.

I left her lying blissfully in bed as I made my way to the shower. I believed then that I had made the right decision in marrying her, if for no other reason than it made her this happy. I stopped briefly to look at the small pile of wedding gifts that waited for us in our sitting room. Underneath them all was my trunk; the trunk that I had last seen in the Weasley's shed.

"Where did the trunk come from?" I called to her.

"Bill brought it over. He said that you left it at the Burrow when you had nowhere to live. He thought you might want it back now."

I gazed at it as if I could see through the hard outer shell. Inside was all that remained from my life with Sirius. I thought about how I had felt him the day before and how he had responded for me as I contemplated the answer to my wedding vows. I wondered if his words had freed me from the tyranny of my indecision or they had condemned me to this marriage that I was, at best, resigned to.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks to whoever put this story in the RemusSiriusGoldmine! I really appreciate it. As always thank you to the regular and new reviewers and thank you Clare!_


	30. Chapter 29 The Trinity

_A/N: About 6 weeks go by from the time Tonks declares her feeling for Remus in the hospital wing at the end of HBP and when they meet up with Harry at the Dursleys. A LOT has happened in that time. _

_Warning: a little kinky here, but unless you live in the glass house of never having had an embarrassing sex dream, don't throw stones!_

**29. The Trinity**

Immediately following our wedding night appeared to me that Tonks began to doubt the wisdom of our quick marriage. She claimed not to feel well, but had neither fever nor vomiting. The smile she always wore was gone, replaced by a grimace as if getting through the day pained her. She didn't eat because of a low level nausea that plagued her all day and at night she was so tired that she went right to sleep. Those intimate moments within the confines of our bedroom were all but lost to me after that first night. I believed that she was unhappy and possibly entering a depression.

I wanted to tell her how I also knew that our wedding had been a mistake. That she had rushed into a marriage with a man who was prevented by wizarding law from having a permanent job, that my affliction was a greater burden than she had imagined, and that my age and temperament were unsuited to her youth and vivaciousness. I wanted to tell her it was okay with me if we ended it. There would be no regrets from me. But I decided instead to wait until she was ready to tell me. After all, she was the one who had insisted that none of this, not even my past relationship with Sirius, mattered to her. She had said that the only thing that mattered was her love for me. When she reached the conclusion that she had been wrong, I wanted to support her rather than force her hand or act with a superior "I-told-you-so" tone.

After I was bitten as a child, my parents were forced to move from the city to the country so that I could be far away from people and, therefore, less of a danger. My parents decided that I was too much of a risk for them to consider having more children. I was prevented from going to primary school, so my mother taught me from home. The only time I was allowed out among other people was when we went to church. I have never been a religious person, but I enjoyed those Sundays when I was able to enter into the world and pretend I was a normal boy. I remember looking at the pictures of saints in the prayer book and in the stained glass windows. The faces of saints always glowed brighter than the faces of the others around them to signify the secrets of the divine to which they have been entrusted. Their knowledge and its great significance radiated through them announcing its presence to all those who regarded them.

Harry, I remembered those saints on the day before we were to take you from the Dursleys that final time before you turned seventeen. I returned home that evening to find Tonks in our sitting room. Her face was unreadable but it shone with a secret knowledge. My first thought was that she had come to the conclusion that our marriage was a mistake and was finally prepared to tell me. I tried to tell myself that I was relieved, but instead I was surprised that could feel my heart begin to break.

"Remus," she said. Her voice was almost dreamlike, as if she wasn't fully there. "Remus, I…" she looked up at me with a look of disbelief. Her hair was dark, wavy and chin-length. It was the same style in which the hair fell into her eyes and made her look slightly like Sirius. I hadn't seen her look like this since the first time we kissed. The brown hair made her face seem even brighter in contrast. "Remus," she began again. "I've told you that I'm forgetful. I lost track of things. And with the wedding…and you were so sure…and then I've been feeling sick, well I just didn't think…I didn't realize…" She shook her head. She couldn't go on. It was as if the breath had left her.

"It's okay," I tried to reassure her. I knelt in front of the armchair where she sat and took her hand. "You can tell me. I understand."

"Remus," she said again, her voice was breathy and ethereal. "I'm pregnant."

This, of course, was the last thing I expected to hear.

"That's impossible!" I said and I felt myself floating away in shock.

"Apparently it's not. I went to the healer today to see if I could get something to help me feel better. I didn't want to be feeling sick or tired when we go get Harry tomorrow. I need to be one hundred percent in case something happens. And then the healer asked if I was late and …well, I had just forgotten. We must have conceived before the wedding. No one will be able to tell, in case you're worried."

"I'm not worried about that," I tried to sound reasonable and keep track of the conversation. "But, Tonks, I told you that I can't. Is it just because you're late that you think this? There could be other reasons for that, you know, stress perhaps."

"No, the healer checked. I don't just think this, Remus. I'm sure. We're going to have a baby next spring." Tonks still had that glowing, dreamlike expression on her face. I wondered how I looked to her.

"But, I…"

"Well, you must have been wrong. Have you ever checked to make sure that you couldn't have kids?" Her words reminded me of a conversation I had long ago with James. When I told him that I couldn't have children because all werewolves were unable to reproduce, he told me that I should make sure that this was true in my case. He felt that I shouldn't rely on what I had heard. I tried to remember where I had learned this. My father had told me when I was a teenager and I had read it in a book. Perhaps my father and I had read the same book. Maybe there were no werewolf fathers so the author just assumed it wasn't possible. It seemed like a bad time to be considering the need for better research. James had been right. I shouldn't have been so proud at the time when I shook off his considerate suggestions. "No" I said finally to Tonks' question. "I was just so sure it wasn't possible."

We sat there for awhile without saying anything. She was in the armchair and me on the floor. Both of us were in shock. It wasn't that I didn't want a child; I just never thought it possible so I never considered what it would be like to be in this situation. "Are you okay with this?" I asked her once I remembered that there was another person in the situation with me. She and I hadn't discussed children really. I had no idea how she felt about them.

"I don't know. I guess so," she smiled and shrugged. "I have to confess I never thought I'd be a mother. But I've seen you with Harry and Hermione and the Weasleys, and I know you'll make an excellent father." Her confidence in me was heart warming. Just minutes before I had thought she was going to leave me.

"Come here," I said forcing a smile and she moved onto the floor to sit with me. She fit herself into my arms and I held her. I tried to think of something wise to say but instead said the only thing that came to me. "I love you."

We went to bed that night with an intimacy that was new to us: that of secret keepers. The two of us shared the secret knowledge of the child growing inside her. We didn't discuss how we felt about this surprise pregnancy, but we were content to be together contemplating it silently.

That night I dreamt I was in the church of my childhood as light poured through the stained glass windows. I looked up at the window with the picture of the Holy Family. The window next to it pictured the divine presence of the man with long brown hair in white robes. As I looked at the saints in the other windows I realized that they all had the faces of people I had loved from my past: James and Lily, my parents, and other members from the Order who had died. The windows loomed above me as the faces looked down, watching over me. I looked back at the first window and the Holy Family now resembled Tonks, me, and an infant. The Man with brown hair and white robes bore the face of Sirius.

The dream changed and I was standing in my bedroom facing Tonks. Sirius stood between us. He kissed her on the lips. The kiss was neither brief, nor chaste, but I felt no jealousy. Instead, I felt only happiness that my two lovers could share the love I felt so strongly for each of them. The kiss ended and she smiled serenely at him. He turned from her and kissed me. His kiss was hungry, deep and sensual, and I wanted him as desperately as I always had. He tasted the way I remember him and my tongue sought his in order to grasp on to as much of this memory as I could. His hands were on my face and I could hear his thumbs scraping along the stubble of my beard. I put my hands in his hair and felt its thick tangle. Inside my head I heard him say. "I love you, Remus. I will always love you."

I tried to tell him that I loved him too, but I belonged to another now. I couldn't speak because my mouth was still busy with his. He must have read my mind because he moved away from me and Tonks moved into my vision. She said to me that which she had told me right before our wedding, "I don't care who you have loved in the past, Remus, or who you still may love as long as you love me now."

"I do love you," I whispered to her in my dream and she kissed me the way she did when we were alone, her lips full and moist. I savored her soft sensuality. I ran my fingers along her cheeks, her neck, and down along her breasts as I noticed we were all naked. I suddenly became aware of Sirius behind me. He kissed the back of my neck, my shoulders, and whispered my name as his tongue flicked seductively against my earlobe. His hands moved warmly and softly along my body, encircling my waist. He turned me gently towards him and we kissed again. My hands were on his face, pulling him close. I wondered what Tonks thought, watching me kiss him, but then I felt her lips on my neck, my shoulders, and on the soft back of my arms. Her hands touched me where he could not reach and I knew she wanted to be a part of our love making.

I fell back like an empty breath onto the soft expanse of our bed. Sirius and Tonks fell with me, flanking me on either side. I felt their mouths, their fingers, and their warm, moist bodies pressed against me. My body ached with the overwhelming, erotic pleasure, my heart close to bursting from the breadth of our love. They continued to tell me how much they loved me and I told each of them the same, as I writhed in the tangle of their arms. When I awoke from the dream it was still night and the wolf inside me was wild with unspent desire.

"Dora," I whispered. I hated to wake her, but I couldn't wait. She woke up immediately with a smile and was ready to receive me. I let myself relive the dream and made love to her as if he was still with us, watching us lovingly, caressing me secretly, whispering tender sentiments. I did not worry about who I was or what I was and let nothing keep me from achieving that perfect state of physical and spiritual bliss. But in that last moment before I surrendered myself to the rapture, I looked at her lying beneath me. Her head was thrown backward in the thoes of her passion, her dark shoulder length hair was splayed across the pillow, and her face with her soft Black family features was barely illuminated by the dim light of an outside street lamp. In that brief moment, my mind confused by the dream and by the power of the wolf, I was not sure in whom I came.

I believed so completely then that I deserved the happiness which only a lifetime of love can bring. My past and my present had joined togethre and I felt optimistic of my future. "I love you," I told her truthfully as I lay spent in her arms. "I love you and I am very happy about the baby." I wish that moment of happiness could have lasted.

My life, Harry, has always changed in an instant. One moment I was a child and then I became an outcast. I felt I was destined to be alone and then I had three good friends. And then I had a lover. In another moment I lost those friends and my lover to death, betrayal, and imprisonment. And then my lover and my life returned. And then he was gone again. In another instant I was a married man with a child on the way. In one moment I found that I could be happy. In the next moment I discovered all that could keep me from that happiness.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks for everything!! _


	31. Chapter 30 Love Tears Me Apart

_A/N: I do not own these characters. If I did there would certainly be more of Remus and Sirius in all of those books!_

**30. Love Tears Me Apart**

The contentment with which I fell asleep the night before was still with me when I woke up the next morning. I rolled over against Tonks' back and leaned over to kiss her forehead.

"Good morning," I said when her eyes opened. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better," she answered and smiled lasciviously at me, "How could I not?"

"You don't think I hurt him last night, do you?" I was half joking, but I honestly didn't know about these things.

"Who?" she asked as she yawned and stretched.

"You know," I said as I ran my hands along her flat abdomen.

"Oh, right," she wrinkled her brow as if she had forgotten about her condition. "I don't think so. We're not supposed to be celibate for the next 8 months are we?" she seemed as clueless as I was.

"I hope not, but the only friend of mine to ever have a kid was James and he never mentioned that… of course it was nearly 17 years ago, so perhaps I don't remember." I was reminded of Sirius' theory on how James was still connected to us, but I shook it off, trying to stay in this moment with my wife.

"We're hopeless!" she said with a laugh as she started to get out of bed. "But I suppose we'll figure it out in time. Today, however, we have more important thing to do."

In a few hours we were to meet people at the Burrow and make final arrangement for the evening's plan. Everything seemed so well orchestrated, but with Mad Eye we always planned for the worst. I cleared my throat. "You know, Dora, you might want to think about…"

"No!" she said sharply not allowing me to finish. "And don't mention it again." She walked over to her dressing table and looked in the mirror. In a split second she no longer had the dark chin-length hair of the night before. She looked like a teenager with her bright pink spikes.

In the course of getting dressed and eating breakfast I got the sense that we did not share the same sentiment regarding the pregnancy. While I saw my ability to reproduce as something akin to a miracle, Tonks saw herself as just another woman with an unplanned pregnancy. She wasn't unhappy about it, but she was not yet ready to relinquish the freedoms of her youth. I was still enjoying the optimistic afterglow of the previous evening and that made me certain that she would come around.

As you well remember, Harry, the plan did not go as expected. Mad Eye was right to have prepared us so well. What I hadn't expected was how worried I would be when Tonks did not return on time and waiting for her and Ron to arrive tore me apart. When she finally arrived, exhilarated from her fight with Belletrix it was all I could do to keep from screaming at her. I felt the nerves twitch in my face has I held back my anger for her recklessness with Ron, herself, and the baby. She should have concentrated getting herself out of trouble, rather than flying directly into it. My rage momentarily dissipated when we learned about Mad Eye.

We agreed to meet back at home after Bill and I completed our search for Mad Eye's body. The fact that the search was not a success put me even deeper into a foul mood. The optimism I had that morning had long before disappeared. I was certain that someone had betrayed us and it reminded me too much of how Peter had deceived us those sixteen years ago. The sorrow of James and Lily's death and those years I was away from Sirius were still raw with me. And then there was Snape. I should have killed him and allowed him the death that he deserved and probably longed for. But he was not worth the loss of George Weasley's life. In saving George, I spared Severus. I hoped I could make amends with George for my poor flying skills that may have contributed to his accident. Sirius would have told me to stop blaming myself, but I could not.

I was also angry with myself for not connecting with you, Harry. You and I had been close the year I was at Hogwarts, but I felt that slipping away as our conversations that evening were more contentious than familial. Sirius had wanted us to be a family and, while I knew that dream was lost, I did want to remain important in your life. In hindsight, I realized that our ability to be honest and, occasionally, confrontational was a sign of our level of comfort with each other. Fathers and sons should not be distant or dishonest.

She was waiting for me when I returned to the flat. "Did you find him?" she asked. Her eyes were red and I knew she had been crying over his loss.

I shook my head. "No, but we'll try again in the morning."

"Oh, Remus!" she threw her arms around my neck in desperation. I wanted to hold her and share our sorrows, but my emotions were too raw and I could feel them begin to tear and bleed.

"Why?" I asked her a little more loudly than I should have. "Why couldn't you have just come back to the Burrow with Ron as we had planned?"

"I came back eventually. I'm fine, Ron's fine. Molly and Arthur are not angry. I don't understand why you are." Her tone was defensive and slightly haughty, the latter a trait she must have inherited from her mother's family.

"You didn't have to fight them."

"No? Are you telling me that if you weren't holding on to George, you wouldn't have tried to take out a few Death Eaters? Of course you would have!"

"It's different! George is older than Ron and…"

"Ron is still of age! He chose this mission! He knew how dangerous it was! He didn't cry for his mother when we were battling! Besides, he told me that he's thinking of becoming an Auror. I thought I could teach him a thing or two." She sounded a little too self-satisfied with that last statement.

"Our priority was saving Harry, not teaching dueling tactics!" I tried to lower my voice to sound mature and reasonable as I continued. "I'm just saying I think it was reckless."

"You're saying that because I'm pregnant you're going to be paternalistic and protective! Stop it, Remus! Stop it now! I'm an Auror. I AM reckless. That's who I am and I'm not changing so you better get used to it."

I held back from responding to her. She had long since dropped her hands from my neck and we were both been pacing and shouting. We were both exhausted and simultaneously dropped into facing armchairs. I put my face in my hands.

When I looked up at her I said as calmly as possible, "Tonks, why Belletrix? You know what she's like. She's impossible one on one. You know you should have gotten out of there. Why couldn't you have left her for another time?"

She looked straight at me and paused before saying, "You know why."

After that first night when I told her about my relationship with Sirius, we only had one other conversation in which we spoke of him. She told me about her other lovers and I told her all the ups and downs I had experienced over my years with Sirius. The fact that she had known him and loved him too made that conversation easier for me. I don't know if it made it harder for her. In any case, I made a vow to myself not to bring up his name or our love to her ever again. I would always be truthful with her if she asked me, but in the short time that had passed, she had not mentioned him. I remembered the dream I had the night before and saw our three bodies co-mingled in love and passion. This was so far from the truth of our silence.

I drew myself back to the present. Her eyes were still upon me as I nodded and sighed. "Yes. I do know." Once again I let the subject of Sirius slip silently by us.

When we got into bed, I turned away from her. I was lost in my thoughts of disappointment and grief. I thought she had fallen asleep, but then I heard her whisper, "I'm frightened, Remus. I'm afraid for the world and I've never felt fear like this before." I could feel her tough exterior melt off her as she shared with me her secret. I know it was the death of Mad Eye that got to her, but I also believe she was thinking of Sirius and how neither his recklessness nor his bravery had been able to save him or the world.

"I know," I said, turning toward her and taking her in my arms. "We're all frightened. But you have me and your parents and our friends and soon we'll have the baby."

"But that frightens me more," she said of the baby. And she cried as I held her.

Until that point, I thought the child would be a source of comfort for us; that the new life would continue to give me a sense of hope for our marriage and for the world. But in my effort to support Tonks I realized that he or she just added one more variable in my list of things to worry about along with keeping you safe, defeating Voldemort, protecting a reckless wife who didn't want my protection, and deciding whether this marriage had been a mistake. Or, with the baby coming, was the future of my marriage even debatable? Should I finally resign myself to this uncertain future? While I listened to Tonks' steady breath after she finally fell asleep, I longed for the peace of the previous night. I wanted once again to hear his voice, if only in my dream, tell me that he would always love me.

Over the next few days, Tonks cheered up noticeably. Bill and Fleur's wedding was coming up and that seemed to remind her of our wedding and the hope she had for a future with me. She even started to talk about the baby with a tinge of excitement in her voice. I, on the other hand, fell into greater despair. Since I could indeed father a child, then it stood to reason I could father a werewolf. Anti-werewolf laws had become very strict in the past few years thanks to Dolores Umbridge, and although I was able to shrug off the humiliation after years of practice and the support and acceptance of great friends, I did not want my son have to suffer the fate I had avoided.

Even Tonks suffered from the prevalent prejudice against my kind, although she tried to keep that from me. I knew that she did not use my surname at work. She claimed that this was not uncommon for women these days and the custom of using ones husband's name was sexist. I did not mind really; she would always be Nymphadora Tonks to me, but I wondered when she would face up to the stigma of being married to an outcast. I was just as happy that we kept our wedding low key so that she could continue to do her job which she so obviously loved. I suspected that she kept our marriage a secret from her co-workers, but did not ask her about it as I knew this would shame her.

Molly invited us to your birthday celebration and I hoped that seeing you would lighten my mood, but it did not. I remembered the important birthdays of my past. Sirius, James and I had been at Hogwarts when we turned seventeen and those celebrations were marked with firewhiskey and pretty girls. Molly put on a good show, but amidst the protective charms, missing friends, and Georges' missing ear, I grieved for the hope I once had for you, for me, for our chances against Voldemort, and, in a brief moment, for my child.

"Why did you make us leave?" she asked when we apparated back at our flat. I could tell in her voice that she was annoyed at me.

"I thought it was obvious," I responded in a superior tone that surprised even me. "The Minister was coming. You wouldn't want anyone to let it slip about me."

"What about you?" she was beginning to get angry. I could see the flash in her eyes.

"That you're married to a werewolf! Stop being naïve! My presence doesn't do anyone any favors, not Harry, not you, not…" I couldn't go on. The truth was too painful.

"Remus, I love you. I'm proud of you. I don't care who knows," she sounded like Sirius in her determination. "But you have to stop making my decisions for me."

"Like what decisions do I make for you? Do you mean our marriage? The baby? Do you blame me for those?" Part of me hoped she did and my destiny would be easy. I loved her and I hated the thought of breaking her by being a burden.

In her eyes I saw her confusion. "No, Remus. How can you even think that?" The hurt in her voice was obvious. "I was talking about leaving a party specifically, but in general you are still trying to take care of me. I'm your wife, not your child." She smiled at me as if conceding the argument, "But I guess I can see how now I'm a little of both."

She walked over to me and hugged me. "I know things are tense, but let's not fight. Tomorrow is a happy day for Bill and Fleur. If for no other reason than they were there at our wedding, please promise me that you won't make us run away again."

I kissed her and reluctantly agreed. I had a foreboding feeling that, like ours, the happiness of Bill and Fleur's day would be short lived.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks Queen Zeppelin and LadyAnalyn for the C2 endorsements. Thank you Clare for your great and funny PMs. Thank you 2padfoot00moony8, AmandaFC, Remuslives23, MissJanine, and ShinyObjects for your regular heartfelt reviews. Thank you also to all those of you out there who don't review but continue to read and support._


	32. Chapter 31 The Wolf and the Vultures

_A/N: This is a short chapter, but a lot will happen in the next one._

**31. The Wolf and the Vultures**

When the Death Eaters stormed the wedding I kept my promise to Tonks and we stayed. There wasn't any place else to go, really. By the time we got home they were already outside watching the house.

"Which should it be?" she asked me with a sarcastic smile. "Do we shag in front of the window or do I stand there naked until they slink away with embarrassment?"

"This is not a time for jokes." I replied sternly.

"Well, I can't do nothing!" she shouted back. She fell back onto the sofa in desperation, kicking off the pretty shoes she had worn to the wedding. We both felt dangerously helpless.

The next day I got the sense of how James must have felt when he was unable to leave Godrics Hollow. Being trapped inside my own home was torturous. With the fall of the Ministry, Tonks' job had disappeared and she was irritable and restless. The fact that Sirius had lasted nearly a year inside Grimmauld Place surprised me even more as I spent only a few hours suffering that fate. To be honest, I felt stalked by the Death Eaters and it worried me what the animal inside might do. This was one of the few times when I feared the animal instinct would overtake me and I could feel it begin to claw.

After being caged in for a day we went to see Ted and Andromeda. I thought getting out of the flat would help us both. We were both tense as we waited for word on what next to do. We were followed, but there was no sin in visiting ones' relatives so I knew we would be safe. When Tonks found out that they had been tortured she was livid.

"Who did it to you? Tell me and I will make sure I kill them!" She screamed. I was shocked to see her like this, but her parents were nonplussed. This was unlikely the first time they had seen such anger from their daughter. The only one I had ever seen in such a rage was Sirius. I struck me then that this was his family with whom he shared several traits and, even stranger than that, I was a member of his family now.

When Andromeda and Ted were able to convince their daughter that they were tougher than she had thought and I assured her that justice would be done, she calmed down. We told them about the wedding at the Weasley's, how you were able to escape, and what we had heard regarding the changes at the Ministry. When I got to describing the mandatory registration for Muggle-borns, Ted shook his head. "I refuse to do that."

"I understand, Dad, but you may not have much choice," Tonks told her father. "If you don't they'll come and find you. Maybe even arrest you."

"They'll come for me anyway," Ted said. He sounded resigned, but I could see the bravery building in his eyes. I had always thought Tonks' bravery came solely from the Black side of the family. Now I saw she got it from both. "I may as well go on my own terms."

"What? Dad, no! You have to keep yourself safe. I need you! I'm having a baby!"

I wish we had talked before we told them. At least then I may have been prepared for the reaction. The first reaction was complete silence. Andromeda finally spoke. "Well, this isn't very good planning."

"We didn't exactly plan it," Tonks replied. She seemed happy to have brought them into our secret. Maybe she felt that by telling them she could control her father's actions. "It just sort of happened."

"Babies don't just happen, Dora," Ted did not sound happy.

Tonks was taken aback by her father's tone and I could hear the defensiveness in her voice as she said, "If you're implying that we've had sex, you're right. We have, quite a bit actually. Get a grip, Dad, we're newlyweds! That shouldn't be a shocking revelation."

I was embarrassed by her frankness. "Dora, please," I tried to interject but Ted turned on me.

"Well, this explains the quick marriage! I would have thought YOU could have controlled yourself! You know what this means," he shouted at me.

Before I could defend myself or try to reason with my father-in-law, Tonks leapt in. "You're jumping to conclusions! I love Remus, that's why I married him and he loves me. He didn't seduce me into his bed, if that's what you're thinking." She rolled her eyes at him with contempt. "And we just found out about the baby a few days ago."

"Remus knows how things are! He knows that when things get bad for Muggle-borns, things are going to be impossible for half-breeds. He'll have to leave you, Dora, to keep you safe." He addressed me then. "Now you won't just be leaving her but you're leaving her alone with a child. If you cared for her, you wouldn't have done this! You wouldn't have gotten her pregnant!"

"Remus is not a half-breed! He is my husband and I love him!" Tonks shouted and left the room. The fact she didn't argue with his other points, gave me the impression that she knew he was right.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled to them as I left to follow her.

When we got back home, she was still angry. I poured myself a drink and sat down.

"You shouldn't have apologized," she told me. "He was wrong to say that."

"He's not wrong," I told her with an air of resignation as I finished the firewhiskey in one big gulp. "I know what I am."

"No, Remus," she said. Her voice was strong and determined. "I'm not sure you do."

I sighed at her. She was preparing for a fight, so I decided to take her on. "What does that mean?"

"You are so determined to see yourself as a flawed human being, as if you are the only one. Why can't you see yourself the way that I see you? The way that…" she paused, but I knew she had been about to say his name. "My dad is angry and scared. We are all angry and scared. I'm sorry he took it out on you, but he didn't mean it. I've known him for a long time and he'll take back what he said. He always does.

"You are a brave and loving person, Remus. I see it and everyone who matters sees it. And if you are broken in body, it is a far better thing than it is to be broken in spirit; that I cannot respect."

She sat down beside me. "I love you, Remus. I hoped that once we were married you would stop thinking that this was some crazy school girl fancy and you would draw strength from my love. If you haven't done that yet, then now is the time to start. I am having your child. That means you are inside me every moment of every day. Do you realize how strong that makes me feel? Can you let me do the same for you?"

Who was she? Who was this woman to whom I was married? It defies me, Harry, why we love the people we do. Why Sirius and I broke ancient taboos and current conventions to love one another with a strength and passion that went beyond all that is earthly. And now Tonks, the woman to whom I always ascribed every trait that was youthful, reckless, and fanciful, was speaking to me with the love and reason I had expected only from a much older person. It was the way I had spoken to Sirius so many times when I proclaimed the depth of my love. She saw our marriage the way I saw my relationship with Sirius: two strong individuals committed to supporting each other. I had been treating her in the manner which she had accused me: paternalistic and protective. I loved her, but was I ready to love her in the way I loved him?

As the day wore into night, I could not think about what she had said. If my thoughts were vultures that had been circling for weeks, then Ted's words were the bloody carcass on which they finally landed. I decided that he was right. To love her was to let her go. She had the chance to save herself and our child. So many people were to die in the coming war that she would never need to reveal that I was the father. She could assign that honor to another and my child would never need to know. And if he or she was like me, then Tonks would know what to do. She was brave and determined. She was a Black.

"Go back to your parents," I told her the next day. "They can protect you and the baby. I cannot."

"No!" her voice was low as if she was losing strength just watching me. "I can protect myself. I need to be here with you."

I swallowed hard as my heart and voice threatened begin to break. "Your father was right. I have to go. I'm too dangerous. I can feel the wolf inside me and it can't stay caged much longer. I need to find someplace to go and something to do."

"No!" she shouted. "We can fight them together! Don't you see; the Death Eaters want you to leave. They want you to surrender to their notion that you are an outcast, a half-breed. We don't gain by giving in! I would have thought that you had learned that from Sirius!"

I cringed at her use of his name, especially as a weapon against me. "Sirius…" I started but I didn't know what I wanted to say.

"I know you love him, Remus, just as I know you love me. He and I are alike. I saw that the moment I met him. We are both reckless and stubborn and passionate and principled. He would not give up, just as I will not; not on you, not on us, and not on fighting for what I believe. Stay with me, Remus! Don't go!"

I wished that we had had this conversation long before that moment. Now it was too late; I had made up my mind. I kissed her one last time and walked away.

_To readers and reviewers: This story has gone on a LOT longer than I have planned. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing. Thanks to RemusSirius23, LadyAnalyn, ClareMansfield, and Rekahneko for the reviews on the last 2 chapters. You all are AWESOME!_


	33. Chapter 32 Her Body, My Blood, His Soul

_A/N: Remus' point of view in the DH chapter entitled "The Bribe" – with slashback!_

**32. Her Body, My Blood, His Soul**

I went to Grimmauld Place, Harry, for two reasons. One of those reasons was the one I told you. I assumed you would be there as it is the perfect place to hide, just as I was doing. The other reason was to return to the place where I hoped to find Sirius. I hadn't felt him since my wedding and, after all that had happened, I needed the strength I knew he could bring to me.

When you stopped me in the hallway and refused to let me in until I could prove who I was, I have to admit I felt my first twinge of fatherly pride. After all, I had done the same to you at the Burrow. Your skills in defending yourself, Harry, are excellent and if I have had any part in that, it fills me with great honor.

I suggested that the three of us to go into the kitchen because I did not want one of you to insist upon talking in the drawing room. That room had too many memories for me and I did not want to face them with you at that moment. But on our way down to the kitchen another memory of Sirius came to me.

It was autumn of the year we lived at Grimmauld Place and I had been away for several weeks on business for Dumbledore. When I returned the house was dark and I quietly descended the basement steps in search of Sirius. He was sitting at the long kitchen table, a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey in front of him. Light from the fire danced upon his face, which was unshaven and his hair was long and untidy. "You shouldn't drink so much," I said to him as I stood in the doorway watching him. "People can sneak up on you when you let your guard down that way."

"And you should drink more," he replied as he looked up and smiled. "It would cause your body to weaken for me and then you would return home sooner."

I walked forward to where he was sitting. "My body is always weak for you," I told him as I leaned down and took his face in my hands. We kissed and he tasted of firewhiskey and the spice that was Sirius. He stood without separating from me, knocking over his chair and accidentally pushing me into the table. I heard the bottle of firewhiskey fall and the liquid's strong aroma filled the room. I pulled myself away from him and turned to repair and refill the bottle with my wand. I sent it over to the sideboard.

"We should go upstairs," I said as I turned back to him.

"No," he said. The drink had increased his lust for me. "We should stay here." And he took me on the kitchen table.

As I descended those same stairs, I remembered how it felt to envelope a man. To contain that intimate part of him filled me with a sense of power and love. The pain that preceded the act and the pleasure that consumed me during it were a reminder that we were broken when we were apart, but together we were whole; that physical realities tied us to the earth, but the transcendence of our love took us from it. I remember holding and releasing him in the rhythm he determined and his hands moving on me in that same rhythm. The sounds of our gasps and cries echoed off the stone walls. They increased in frequency and pitch as we reached the apex. He shouted my name as he fell into me, pressing my thighs sharply against the table edge, right before I succumbed to my own euphoria.

Our breathing and moaning became more languid before we silently decided to get up. I needed to bathe and cleanse myself from my travels during the previous weeks and he needed to shave. As we headed up the stairs to the bathroom, we both knew we would be together again in the bedroom and this time I would be setting the rhythm and he would be enveloping me.

I knew he had felt the same as I did when he possessed me thusly. Enveloping me in his body filled him with warmth and a feeling of connection to all that was good in this world and beyond. And then I unwillingly found myself thinking of Tonks. I was a considerate lover. Despite the wolf inside me, I made every effort to please her and her responses let me know that I did. But I didn't know if she too felt that power of love as she enveloped me. I had so much to learn about loving her but then I remembered it was too late.

When I reached the kitchen with you, Ron, and Hermione I was still partially in my reverie and it surprised me that the stone walls were silent. I did not hear the echo Sirius calling out my name as his desire overtook him. Instead, I saw the vision from my memory of Tonks, lying asleep as she waited for me to awaken after the full moon. What I took then as a small act of kindness I saw now as a drop of water from the river of her unending love.

Hermione lit the fire and I began to tell you what had been going on since the day you left the Burrow. As the four of us talked, I felt useful again. It was like being back in the Order of the Phoenix meetings when Sirius was alive. As the wooden table glistened in the firelight I saw not the passion that Sirius and I had spent there, but I remembered the faces of those who had sat where we were. I saw Mundungus asleep and Molly's frown of disapproval. I saw Arthur's eagerness and the reflection of him in his son, Bill. I saw Tonks' twinkling eyes as she smiled at me and Sirius. I remembered turning to Sirius and seeing how he gazed at her with a mixture of enchantment and familial pride. Like me, he enjoyed the company of lovely, young women and that she represented something good that came from the Black family filled him with a sense of hope for himself. I remembered another meeting when Tonks and Sirius sat across the table from me both smiling at me as I noted their resemblance and, although I disregarded it at the time, matching looks of hunger for me.

I didn't realize how empty I would feel when I left Tonks. I thought I would feel noble or perhaps relieved, but I felt neither of those things. She had become my life and I had not realized it. I saw her in this kitchen as much as I saw Sirius. I had told myself that when I got to Grimmauld Place I would feel Sirius again and I then would be saved, but it had not happened.

And then I made my proposal to you. I wasn't even sure if what I truly wanted was to go away with you or just go away. Like those months I spent with the werewolves, I needed a sense of purpose and I needed to be away from the confusion that my two lovers brought to me. When I saw in Ron's and your eyes that you were considering my offer I felt relieved. But then Hermione spoke. Trust a woman, Harry, to always know when something isn't right.

In hindsight, I wonder why I mentioned the pregnancy. I could have kept it a secret. It was early still and I could have claimed that I didn't know. But as I heard the words spill from my mouth I grimaced at my mistake. You all seemed so happy to hear the news and I remember the elation I felt that night after I first heard. All my pain and anger because I could no longer have that happiness rose to the surface as I tried to explain to you why I had left Tonks. I had worried about the wolf overtaking me while I waiting in my flat, but there in Grimmauld Place where I had come to be safe, I felt his presence in my anger and despair.

When I told you that James would want me to be with you, I was unfairly preying on your desire to know your father and I must apologize for that. Sirius once told me that we should stop mourning James and trying to decide what he wanted, because he had shown us what he wanted. James wanted us to be happy. In reality, I meant that staying with you was what Sirius wanted me to do. Sirius, like James before him, gave his life for you and I wanted to join them. You cut to my core when you said I had a kid of my own that I shouldn't abandon. You were so mature, as if the child Sirius and I had planned to have in our family had grown up without my noticing. I wondered how quickly would time pass for my child; time that I wasn't planning to share with him.

And then you said Sirius' name, accusing me of trying to emulate him. You were right. I was doing just that. I wanted to throw myself into him because I wasn't feeling him in this house or in this room. I wished then that we had had the opportunity to tell you about us. I wished that you knew Sirius as I did and that I knew Sirius as he was in your memory. But we were so angry at each other and I couldn't let those sacred, precious thoughts leak from me into this toxic pool of rage.

You called me a coward and, in a flash, visions of Tonks' tears as she begged me not to leave, Sirius falling through the veil, my hands on Tonks' abdomen in a futile effort to feel the baby inside her, Sirius' face in the throes of passion, James' concerned look as he tried to convince me that I could have a child, my mother's face as Greyback pulled me from her, my father's smile of gratitude and hope as he waved to me when I left on the Hogwarts express that first time, Dumbledore's earnest confession of the love he could not pursue, the glimmer in Tonks' eyes and the warmth of her hands as she slipped the wedding band on to my finger, Lily's smile as she let me hold her son unafraid of what I was, and the first time I laid eyes on you, Harry, as a Hogwarts student, all passed before me. All those memories should have strengthened me but I was, as you said, a coward. I was running in search of a life I knew was gone. My hurt overwhelmed me and I struck you. I saw you propelled against the wall and I was ashamed.

I heard Hermione calling me to return as I left the kitchen and climbed the stairs. I did not hear your voice and my ego wanted your apology; yet I also wanted to live with the pain of the shame I knew I deserved. Before I left the house I stole into the drawing room. I lit my wand and passed it around the room, the beam of light illuminating only emptiness. Sirius was not there waiting for me. I did not see a vision of us lying beneath the family tree, our bodies glistening with the sweat of lovers, crashing together like waves upon the rocks of our hardened past. It was just a silent room in an old house, both of which gave Sirius no happiness. He found his happiness in me and you and in the love and feelings of home, place, and family we gave to him, Harry. Knowing now that there was nothing for me at Grimmauld Place, I hesitated for one more moment and then turned away.

I had been so certain that I would stay at Grimmauld Place, with or without you, Harry, that I had no other plan. Absent mindedly I walked to a nearby graveyard that Tonks and I had come across during one of our walks. In this graveyard we found a section that could not be seen by Muggles. It held the monuments and graves of wizarding families, including the Blacks. Theirs was a large, stone mausoleum with the word "Black" and the family motto "Toujours Pur" above an ornate carving of their family crest. I sat down on the steps to contemplate what next to do. At first I thought of searching for Sirius in the other places he could be: my old flat or his, or perhaps my parents' former house where we had made love the first time. I thought of going to Hogwarts but knew it was impossible. In fact, the whole idea of finding Sirius had lost its purpose. I needed to let him go.

I didn't know why I had felt him at my wedding or those times before when I had kissed Tonks. Maybe I would never know, but the reality was that I was married to Tonks now and I barely knew her. What I did know was that I loved her. I knew that her love for me was a river, deep and ever flowing. I had loved her like an ocean; deep but with tides that receded from her when I longed for my life with Sirius. I had only recently recognized the strength and commitment that was in her. Her youthful vigor, which I always thought was ill-suited for me, fit me better than I had realized it would. In a lifetime where I had felt myself old beyond my years, she had given back to me joy and hope for the future that only the young possess. As I rested my head against the Black's stone tomb where neither of my lovers would ever lay, I knew that I had to go home. My home was her home.

It was three in the morning when I returned to our flat. The Death Eater guard was young and he looked relieved to see I had returned. He had probably been frightened of what would have happened to him if his superiors knew I had lost him while he followed me. I slipped silently in the front door. Our bedroom door was ajar, but I decided not to wake Tonks. We could take all of the next day to talk about the future if we wanted to. I went into the sitting room and lay down on the sofa.

My eyes grew accustomed to the darkness and I looked around at the contents of the room. There were two armchairs and this sofa, a small table, and a piano that had been in the flat when Tonks took it over. She had been happily surprised when she learned that I knew how to play. We were hoping to acquire a bookcase, but at the time our books were piled in the corner and on top of my trunk.

I hadn't looked in the trunk in over a year. I got up from the sofa and quietly removed the books that covered it. I eased it to the center of the room with my wand and opened it. The first thing I noticed were Sirius' enchanted letters. I knew I had to give them to you but would wait to decide when. I pushed them aside and pulled out a picture of you, Sirius, and I that Mundungus had taken at Christmas the year we were at Grimmauld Place. You were sitting between us, turning from the camera to Sirius, laughing at Sirius who I could see mouthing the words to "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs." In the photo I tossed my head backward in laughter. I put the photo and that happy moment back into the trunk. I saw some pictures of me as a child with my parents and felt sadness that they would never know their grandchild. Then I found the blanket.

I had saved the quilt that I had summoned into the drawing room after Sirius and I had made love and lay together naked. Right beforehand, I had confessed to him my final secret: that I wanted to have kids. Once before, right after you were born, Harry, we had spoken about my inability to father children and that conversation had ended in anger. Since then it seemed worthless to bring it up, but that evening I did. We talked about our plan to create a family together with you and our love making was the consummation of our future together. That was when Sirius told me his theory of James watching over us. And then he said...he said...and then….

And then I understood. I understood what all along Sirius had been trying to tell me.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks for all the wonderful things you say. I'm glad some of you have come around to Tonks. I have too :-)_


	34. Chapter33 My Lover's Gift

_A/N: In the DH chapter "The Bribe" JK Rowling writes that Harry did not know from where his rage at Remus was coming. But Remus knows. This was supposed to be the final chapter but it was too long so there is now one more. _

_Thanks for letting me borrow these characters that I obviously do not own._

**33.** **My Lover's Gift**

I hadn't realized I had written so much, Harry. In the course of this letter Teddy awoke and I rose to feed him, allowing the quill to move magically along the page with my thoughts. Tonks and Andromeda are always telling me to put him back in his cot as soon as he is done with his bottle, but I can never do that. I like to take a few extra minutes to savor his milky breath and the warm, soft weight of his tiny body. Writing this has given me an excuse to continue holding him. I have noticed that his hair changes to specific colors when I am near. I take that as a sign that he knows and loves me just as I know and love him.

"Remus," Tonks said softy and tentatively when she found me asleep on our sofa the morning after I returned from Grimmauld Place. I had covered myself in the old quilt and my clothes lay in a pile on the floor. She was still wearing what she had worn to bed the night before: my boxer shorts and an old pajama top that also belonged to me. I took that sweet gesture as her effort to surround herself with me even in my absence. Her hair was mousey brown, a sign of her sadness, and hastily tied back so that stray locks fell across her cheeks.

"Is everything okay?" she asked me. I know she meant between us as well as with me personally.

I smiled at the sight of her. "Yes. I think it will be." I reached for her hand and took it.

She looked puzzled. "Do we need to talk?"

"We do" I said as I pulled her onto the narrow sofa next to me. "I want to talk about Sirius."

Although we were both thin, we barely fit on the sofa. As she climbed on, I felt her smooth legs brush against and entangle in mine. She pulled the blanket up so it covered both of us and put her head on my chest. "You don't have to, you know."

"But I want to," I said as I kissed the top of her head. "I want to tell you everything." And then I began.

"Sirius and James Potter were best friends, but Sirius told me he believed that their connection to be stronger than that. You see, Sirius' parents were married for quite awhile before he was born. In that time, his aunt and uncle…"

"Do you mean my grandparents?" she asked, turning her face to me.

"Yes. They had their three daughters and Sirius' parents wanted an heir. Sirius had heard stories growing up that his mother had gone to a potion maker in Knockturn Alley in order to get a potion to make her conceive. She must have been pretty happy with her success because she had Regulus pretty closely afterward."

"Well, although my great-aunt is said to be as horrible as that portrait of her," Tonks said, "I'm not sure I can fault her decision to have a child at all costs. Not everyone can be as fertile as us and get pregnant with no effort at all." She placed my hand on her stomach.

My hands ran along her stomach as I imagined the baby inside. "I'll get back to us in a minute. Sirius also believed, because his mother had hinted at it several times, that James Potter's mother utilized the same potion maker at the same time. Again, while you can't fault her for wanting a child, the fact his mother practiced the Dark Arts in order to have him would have really upset James so Sirius never told him. It was tough for Sirius to keep that secret because they told each other everything. Well, maybe not everything; Sirius kept our relationship a secret from James for a long time, although James found out on his own."

"How did he find out?" Tonks asked.

"Lily saw us together and she told James her suspicions; but now I believe that James probably already knew because he was so close to Sirius. Sirius attributed their close friendship to a more magical connection through the conception potion. He felt that they were more like brothers or twins. The Weasley twins remind me of how they were together. They were unstoppable on the Quidditch pitch, like they could read each other's thoughts, and they finished each others sentences. Sirius told me that he always felt James was a part of him. Regulus and he never connected in that way.

"James and Lily knew about Sirius and I for over two years before James admitted his knowledge to Sirius. At the time, Sirius suspected that I was betraying them, but James thought that Sirius just needed to tell me he loved me and then he would start thinking more clearly. Before he could do that, James died."

"And then twelve years go by…" prompted Tonks.

"And he and I are brought together again by James' son and the same place where James and Sirius and I used to meet and transform. It was a special place for the three of us and then with Harry there…well, Sirius thought that James had somehow arranged it to happen that way. After that Sirius and I…" I paused. I didn't know where to start.

"I know," she said as she ran her hands along me in a gesture that let me know it was okay to talk about it.

I decided that there should be no more secrets so I continued. "It was so intense, our love. I felt like I had been waiting all my life to be loved that way. The sex was aggressive and forceful, but there was such love and tenderness in his touch. I felt we truly understood one another. I felt that our souls were bound in some spiritual way. I was a lonely person and so was he, but together we felt we had everything. If our love was out in the open it may have been different. I'll never know, because he died before we had that opportunity.

"On the day before he died, I told Sirius how much I wanted a child. I believed at that time I would never have one, so admitting that was painful to me. Sirius' reaction gave me hope. He also told me that same night he would always love me and watch over me, just as James watched over us. Last night I realized that he has been doing just that.

"Tonks, when I first kissed you I felt Sirius' presence. I felt it again when I kissed you on Boxing Day and in my room at the Hog's Head when I told you the truth about Sirius and me. Sirius was in your eyes the first time we made love and in my heart the day I married you. And now I believe that he has given us our child."

"What?" she laughed in disbelief.

"I know it sounds as crazy as Sirius' other theories," I said in my defense. I was pretty animated at this point in our conversation. "But I believe that until that moment with I fathered that baby inside you, I was sterile. Although I will never be able prove it, I know Sirius changed that. He has given me the family that he and I wanted to have together. He has also given me you: the woman that we both loved, but for different reasons."

Tonks said nothing, but held me tightly as she absorbed all I had to say.

I continued, "Yesterday I was ready to give all this up and go away with Harry and his friends. I went to Grimmauld Place thinking I could forget you and the baby by becoming who I was with Sirius. But I saw that you were a part of that life, too. I remembered how Sirius used to tease me about you and how he used to look at you with a combination of family pride, enchantment, and familial love. He loved us both."

"You were going to go away with Harry?"

"It was an idea, but he wouldn't have me. Harry got so angry with me for leaving you and the baby. He lashed out at me with a rage I had only seen before in you and Sirius. He even used Sirius name against me, which is why I've since realized that it probably was Sirius driving Harry's anger."

"Is this another crazy theory?" she laughed.

"Well, it goes back to Sirius' theory about his connection with James. Harry and Sirius connected immediately after they met. I used to hear them talking to each other in the fireplace and it was amazing how close they came in such a short time. Harry didn't know I was listening because we were keeping our relationship a secret from him. I was secretly jealous because I never had that kind of relationship with Harry, but Sirius put it down to the fact that Harry was the living part of James and it gave more credence to Sirius claim of a magical connection to James."

"And therefore a magical connection to Harry, James' son and Sirius' godchild," Tonks added.

"Harry's generally an even tempered person. I know he gets annoyed from time to time, but what I experienced yesterday was different. I thought that I couldn't feel Sirius in that house, but I did. I felt him in Harry's rage."

"And that's why you came back?" she asked tentatively

"No, I came back because I love you. I've been afraid to love you completely because I felt Sirius lurking around us. But last night I realized Sirius is what has brought us together. He allowed me to lower my defenses and open myself up to you. I told you once that Sirius loved me and he would want me to be happy, but now I know he wants me to be happy with you."

Tonks managed to sit up on the sofa to look down at me. "And what do you want, Remus? What do you want in your heart? Don't think about what I want or what you think Sirius wants, but you alone."

"I want it all. I want you and the baby and a life full of the love that is our past, present, and future. I want to love you the way I loved him; the way that is sacred and sexual, earthly and transcendent, deep and ever-flowing, reckless and purposeful, passionate and pure, ancient and avant-garde. And I want your forgiveness. Can you ever forgive me for walking out yesterday?"

She smiled down at me. She looked like sunshine and love and a future full of hope. "Watch me," she whispered.

The sofa was small but sufficient. "So, I guess you're no longer worried about hurting the baby," she said to me afterward.

"No, I've stopped worrying." I told her with a smile, "But I just figured out where dimples come from."

She laughed and groaned, "Did you know you tell the worst jokes?"

"No, but there's a lot about myself I need to learn," and I pulled her back down on me and kissed her.

Later that afternoon we went to Diagon Alley. We needed some food and supplies for our home and we wanted to catch up with the gossip over butterbeers at the Leaky Cauldron. She wore a miniskirt with a bright pink tee shirt that said "The Weird Sisters." Her hair was long and chestnut brown for the outing. She looked radiant with love and I was proud to be with her. I made a stop at Flourish and Blotts to buy books on pregnancy and parenting. She laughed at me and tossed her hair. "We have plenty of time for that," she scolded.

"I know, but it'll give us something productive to do in case we are restless and stuck in the house again," I said as my excuse.

When we got home it was evening. The sun was setting earlier and Tonks went to the kitchen with our supplies. I went to the window to draw the curtains when I noticed our Death Eater was still outside.

"Dora, come in here!" I called to her. By the time she came I was shirtless and my trousers were undone.

"What are you doing?" she asked, laughing at me as if I were insane.

"What does it look like?" I asked as I took off my trousers.

She shook her head and shrugged. "I have no idea!"

I slipped off her tee shirt and the bright pink bra underneath. I arranged her long hair over her breasts that had become fuller with the pregnancy. There were some sights I was unwilling to share. Then I helped her take off her miniskirt. I may not be able to fill Sirius' shoes but I could be reckless and daring in my own way. "We're fighting back!" I told her. And then I shagged her up against the wall in full view of the open window.

It gives me great hope in the humanity of Death Eaters because he left then and never came back, freeing our flat to be used for a few clandestine Order meetings.

"How did you get them to leave, Remus?" Kingsley asked at the first meeting.

"He has quite a skill in defending us against the Dark Arts," Tonks responded smiling lustfully at me.

The night after I returned from Grimmauld Place I dreamed again that I was in the church of my childhood. The saints in the stained glass windows still bore the faces of my friends and loved ones. This time I wasn't surprised to see them. I could see in their brightness that they knew the all of my secrets and I was not ashamed. "Thank you," I said to the window that held the likeness of Sirius, "Thank you for giving me a lifetime of love."

_To the Readers and Reviewers: I hope you will hang around for one more chapter!_


	35. Chapter34 He Calls to Me

**34: He Calls to Me**

The day after we sent the Death Eater away, Ted Tonks arrived at our door. When I opened it he was standing there with his wand in one hand and a twinkle in his eye. "I'm armed, Lupin," he said. He was pretending to sound threatening. "I have my wand and I'm prepared to use it unless you agree to marry my pregnant daughter and make an honorable woman out of her!"

"Well, Ted," I told him with mirth in my voice. "I've already married her and I'm afraid it is she who has made me an honorable man."

Ted smiled, lowered his wand and offered me his hand. "I said some horrible things to you, Remus, and I am terribly sorry. I hope you will forgive me. And if you cannot, at least remember me when you become a father in a few months and begin to understand that you will not always behave rationally when it comes to the perceived safety of your children."

I took his hand to accept his apology. He pulled me towards him and embraced me. As I slowly let my hands encircle his large body, I remembered, Harry, you reminding me just a few days before how James gave his life to protect you. I remembered Sirius' angry and determined face as he insisted upon going to the Department of Mysteries to save you. And I thought of my own father. It no longer surprises me that when Greyback wanted to torture my father, he chose to hurt me, knowing that it would break my father far worse than hurting him would ever do. Even then, before he was born, I knew I would be prepared to do anything to protect my son from the cruelty that exists in the world.

Right after we reconciled, Ted went into hiding. It saddens me that he never had the chance to meet his grandson and namesake.

Over the next few months Tonks and I got to know each other in ways we never had before. Loving Sirius had not only been about sex. Even during that time we lived together and sex was a nightly (if not daily as well) occurrence, I felt our love in the small intimacies we shared: watching him shave while I bathed; his handing me a towel as I emerged from the shower; our easy conversations over meals; drinking wine together by the fire without saying a word; looking up from the newspaper to see him writing his letters to you; watching him sitting back with his eyes closed as he listened and I played the piano with a flick of my wand; and in those secret looks and soft touches we gave to each other when others were around, but we were confident that they could not see. It was in his looking past my grey hair and lined face and in my looking past his emaciated body and foul moods to where we saw only the beauty of that one person we had loved for so long. It was all of those types of intimacies that I developed with Tonks as we awaited our son's birth. Over those months I felt myself growing younger in her loving presence.

I think back often to the dream I had the night I found out Tonks was pregnant. In that dream I lay next to Sirius and Tonks, making love to both of them at the same time. Their bodies entwined around me, each loving me in their own, unique way. I woke up aroused, but it is the feelings of completeness, of love, of acceptance, and of comfort that live most vividly in my memory. While it was only a dream, I have come to see that it is representative for how I view my child's conception. Teddy was conceived in not only my love for Tonks, but also in my love for Sirius. Sirius' love for me endures beyond his death and Teddy is the product of that love.

I don't want to go into too much detail but it suffices to say that I also learned to love Tonks in all the exotic and innovative ways that I had loved Sirius. I spent those months unfolding her secrets like the petals of a flower. His name was no longer a taboo in our house and we spoke of him often and how much he had meant to both of us. I suggested we name the baby after him, but Tonks has an aversion to unusual names, having never liked her own, and pushed that we name the baby for her recently deceased father. I acquiesced, but got her to agree that our second son will be named Sirius James Lupin for the two men who ultimately brought his parents together. I will give Teddy a few more months before I broach the subject with Tonks about getting started on his sibling.

Sirius must have been concerned that I wouldn't understand his message to me because he arranged for Teddy come into the world on the same day that Sirius did and now the two of them share the same birthday. On that day I helped Tonks walk around the ward at St. Mungo's as she howled with pain from the contractions. When I snickered at her she growled at me, "What are you laughing at?"

"I thought I was the only one in this family with an animal inside. You do a good job at playing the part."

"I hate you, Remus Lupin!" She screamed at me as another contraction overtook her and she fell helplessly into my arms.

"I know you do, my love." I told her. I had recently taken to using endearments with her and she was still not used to it. "And you'll hate me again when we're back here with our next child and the child after that."

She scowled at me as the pain passed and she breathed slowly and deeply. "You are never touching me again!"

I smiled to myself, anticipating what it would be like when she broke that vow.

When Teddy emerged from his mother he looked like a wild animal and for a moment I thought I had passed on the wolf to my son. But, surprisingly, I didn't care. He is ours and that is all that matters in the world. I will always love him regardless of what he is, just as others have loved me.

Did you wonder, Harry, why I wasn't surprised to see you at Shell Cottage on the day that Teddy was born? I expected that Sirius would take the opportunity to bring us together again as a family. I told you before that Sirius wanted his life to mean something and now he will be forever linking us together through my son. When I saw you and hugged you I knew that everything was right between us and all that we had said in those moments of anger was forgiven. As I drank the wine Bill gave me, I savored the warmth of the friendships I had made and the presence of Sirius I felt so strongly in that room. Tonks and I are honored to have you as part of our family and as our son's godfather. I hope that you will enjoy sharing this child who is not only a part of me and Tonks, but also a part of Sirius, and if you too believe Sirius' theory, James and you.

When I left Shell Cottage I returned to St. Mungo's. Tonks was sleeping after her long ordeal in giving birth and I went to see Teddy in the nursery where a healer was examining him. The healer's face was turned away from me. Her brown hair was streaked with grey and she now wore it in a chignon, but I knew it was her.

"I was wondering if he was yours," Sara Stewart, my first girlfriend, said to me as she looked up.

"Is he okay?" I asked nervously. I was suddenly and irrationally worried about my son. "There isn't anything wrong with him, is there?"

"No, Remus," Sara said calmly as she continued to examine him. "He's fine. And he hasn't inherited your condition, if that's what you're wondering. In fact, in my professional opinion he is perfect. His mum's a metamorphagus, I assume." Teddy's hair was as green as the robe Sara wore.

I was speechless. "You knew about me?" I asked finally.

She shook her head. "Not then. But when I was in training to become a healer we had to do research on a childhood disease. I decided to study yours, since I always thought it must be pretty bad to make you leave school once a month. So I looked up your record and that's when I learned. You could have told me. I wouldn't have turned you away and I would have kept your secret."

"I was afraid to let people know me then. I didn't trust that they would accept me."

"So instead you broke my heart?" She said. When I started to explain she held up her hand to stop me. "It's okay, Remus, I survived. We all need our hearts broken, otherwise how would we meet the one who comes along to fix it?" Sara smiled at me and handed me the baby. "I'm happy for you, Remus. I'm happy that you found someone you can love and trust."

"I have been very lucky," I said to her as I held my newborn son and felt all the love from throughout my life surround me. "I have found several."

_And then JK Rowling kills Remus and Tonks and orphans Teddy. The End! However, don't you find it suggestive that Remus is brought back with Sirius by the Resurrection Stone? _

_Epilogue is in progress for September 08_


	36. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Love Is Its Own Protection**

While Harry considered Ron to be his best friend and Ginny to be the love of his life, he was at a loss when he tried to tell them what he had learned in the letters. After Ron moved in, Harry brought up the subject of Sirius, but they never moved beyond how brave Sirius was to stand up to his family and move out. It was the perfect time for Harry to tell Ron that Sirius' decision to leave Number Twelve Grimmauld Place had as much to do with his feelings for Lupin as it did his hatred of his family, but the words caught in his throat. He felt if he uttered the words they would lose the deep felt sentiments and fall upon Ron's ears ugly and disgraceful.

He suggested to Ginny that they visit his godson, Teddy, during the upcoming weekend. He hoped to use the opportunity to ease their conversation into the letters and the magical circumstance of Teddy's conception and birth. But once again, the plan failed. Seeing the child seemed to put Ginny under a romantic spell as she spoke wistfully of the short lived love of Remus and Tonks. "At least they lived long enough to see their child," she sighed.

Harry opened his mouth to tell her how Teddy was Sirius' child too, but the words that had made so much sense when he had read them, sounded mystical and crazy when he imagined himself saying them, so he agreed with her and kept silent.

Weeks went by and it appeared to Harry that everything had changed. He walked through Grimmauld Place, not thinking of it as Sirius' prison, but as the place where Sirius and his lover had shared their plans for a future with him. On the way to his classes at the Ministry he looked at people wondering what secrets they kept. Just as he had slept for years in the bed where his parents had spent a night of passion, had seen the damaged wall and heard the creaky bedsprings, without ever knowing their origin, he now wondered what other signs of love were right in front of him, invisible to his naïve eyes.

When he could no longer keep the secret, he knew that there was only one person with whom he could share this information. He met Hermione in a café in Muggle London. She arrived before him and waved to him from a table in the back.

"You're studying hard," she remarked, pointing to his heavy rucksack.

Harry nodded in agreement, although the sack also contained Sirius' letters.

"I'm so glad you asked me to meet you. Ron is pathetic in Muggle establishments, so self-conscious. I've become a great fan of good coffee lately and you just can't get that in Diagon Alley," Hermione shook her head and took a sip from her mug. "Are you getting anything?" she added as the waiter approached.

"A cup of tea and a scone, please," Harry ordered, seeing Hermione frown slightly and the ordinariness of his food choices.

"You could get that anywhere. Why did you suggest we come here?"

The time for truth had come and Harry cleared his throat. "Well, I have something to talk privately with you about and I knew we wouldn't run into anyone we knew here."

"Sounds intriguing," Hermione said, her brow wrinkled as if trying to guess what it was that Harry wanted to discuss.

"Hermione, I found out something about Sirius. Something he wanted me to know, but he died before he could tell me. Something… delicate, but it's also something important. It's something beautiful, but affects other people and I don't know how they will react to the information. I mean, I was shocked and unsettled at first, but now I just want to tell everyone, but when I try to say anything, I can't find the words."

Hermione sat quietly looking at Harry. Her eyes encouraged him. While she had strong opinions, Hermione did not judge people. He knew his secret was safe with her.

"I need your opinion," Harry told her. "I need to know if I should share what I know or if everyone would be better served if I keep this secret, if his memory and the memory of others involved, should be left in tact."

Hermione nodded. "It sounds big."

"It is," he said and he pulled out the portfolio of blank letters. As Hermione blocked the view of the other patrons, he took out his wand and muttered the incantation.

"Sirius began writing letters to me during the spring of our fifth year. You may remember that Dolores Umbridge was Headmistress and she was monitoring student mail, so he never sent them."

"Of course I remember," Hermione said, shaking her head. "We thought things were so bad then, but they became so much worse."

"Right. Any way, I found them in Sirius' bedroom when I returned to Grimmauld Place a few weeks ago."

Hermione examined the portfolio. "How come we didn't find it before? We combed every inch of that house looking for the locket."

"Because Lupin took it," Harry told her, fingering one of the letters.

"Why would Lupin do that? He wouldn't have been able to read them. How did he know what they were?"

Instead of answering her, Harry passed her Lupin's last letter to him that he held in his hands. "Here," he said. "Read this. You'll have more questions, of course, but you'll get the idea."

Hermione took the letter from him and Harry watched the changing expression on her face as she read its contents.

_Dear Harry:_

_I returned to Grimmauld Place tonight to leave this portfolio for you to find. I told myself once that I took the letters because of my grief, but today I realize that I took them because of my shame. With Sirius gone, I didn't feel I was strong enough to admit to you the love we had shared - a love that, for better or worse, consumed a large part of our lives. _

_It was difficult getting here and I watched the building for several days to make sure it wasn't under surveillance before I entered. Unfortunately, I can't help thinking that this is a bad sign – a sign that Voldemort and his followers know where you are, or at least they are sure that you won't be coming back here. Grimmauld Place is even sadder now than it ever was. Every room is in disarray, including our bedroom, from where I now write you and where I plan to leave these letters. _

'_Our bedroom'…the words seem like they were from another lifetime ago. I guess they are, but still the books and belongings strewn about the floor seem to desecrate the sanctity of this sacred space. The walls whisper to me. They coax me to remember the hours that Sirius and I would lie together, sharing the secret of our love, connecting in heart, soul and body, making love tenderly as if the night were endless. How could I forget all that had taken place within them? Those days are gone, but so are the days when I wished more than anything to have them back. My wife and my son provide me with a renewed sense of love and purpose. I love them completely, but Sirius is my first love, my true love. Death has not made that love less real or less pure._

_Sirius loved you like a son. I know now that he died happy. Of course, none of us want to die, but Sirius, like your father, died having experienced everything he wanted. He had finally found a family, he had me to love him unconditionally the way that Lily loved James, and he finally had the opportunity to protect those he loved – the opportunity that Peter stole with his betrayal._

_I don't fear for you, Harry. While I know you are facing greater dangers than any of us could ever imagine, I also know that you are being watched by your parents, by Sirius, and even by Dumbledore. When this is all over, I know you will have felt them, too. I look forward to the day when you will read the letters and we can talk about the past._

_When it is time, I will be there for you._

_Remus Lupin_

It was rare when Harry saw Hermione at a loss for words, but, as he expected, this was one of those time.

"So…" he said finally, hoping to rouse her from her silence.

"My goodness," was all Hermione could say, her eyes still glued to the page in front of her.

"Yes, it's quite a lot to take in," Harry agreed.

Hermione looked up at him. "Sirius and Remus were…"

Harry watched her struggle to finish the sentence and answered her unasked question. "Very much so. There are more letters that describe that in great detail."

"And Tonks…?"

"She knew. She knew and she accepted that. In the end it seems it was Sirius who brought them together. It's a long story." Harry shook his head and began.

He told Hermione about the teenage indiscretion in Remus' parents' house. He told her about the continuing connection, the betrayal of Reve, and Sirius' decision to join the Order. He told her about the repression that kept Remus and Sirius from speaking their feelings, and Sirius' descent into suspicion after the death of his brother. He told her Sirius' reasons for asking James to make Peter the Secret Keeper and the twists of fate and fortune that brought Remus to Hogwarts in the year that Sirius escaped from Azkaban.

He told her how Remus continued the letters after Sirius' death, chronicling his grief, how he fell in love with Tonks and eventually married her. And he told her what she already knew: how Remus questioned his love for Tonks and returned to the place where he and Sirius had spent their last days, only to run into Harry's wrath at his decision to abandon his child.

Hermione listened intently, blushing slightly at some of Harry's more intimate revelations, nodding at others. When Harry stopped she said, "Well, that does explain some things. I always wondered why Sirius thought the traitor could be Remus. It never seemed likely that Sirius would single Remus out just because he was a werewolf. Sirius never seemed to have those kinds of prejudices, except maybe for Kreacher."

Harry agreed. "It explains to me why Remus appeared with Sirius when I held the Resurrection Stone. I never could completely explain that before now."

"How so?" Hermione asked him.

"Well, the reason my parents appeared is obvious. Sirius was my godfather and he was the closest thing to a father that I can remember having. But, Remus was my father's friend. After he left Hogwarts, I never felt that we had anything more than a passing friendship. I didn't even see him for an entire year from the time I met Sirius until the time he took me to Grimmauld Place.

"And right before we left the Burrow to find the Horcruxes Remus and I argued over my use of the Expelliarmus charm. He told me not to use it, but I refused to listen. I was really angry with him. In the end he was wrong. That's the spell that ultimately killed Voldemort."

Hermione looked back at the letter before her. "He wanted to be there for you, Harry. He says so in his last line."

Harry continued, "At the time, when I held the Stone, I was too wrapped up in what I had to do, but now, thinking back to that vision, I remember that Remus and Sirius held hands. I could see that they were connected, though at the time it didn't register with me. They walked together with me and were as much of a couple as my mum and dad, spirits of guidance and love."

"True love," Hermione said, gesturing at the letter. "Love that defeats death."

"And that's why I'm struggling with this information," Harry sighed. "After Remus and Tonks died, I made a vow that I would tell Teddy everything. I didn't want my godson growing up like I did, not knowing who my parents had been. I vowed I would tell him not only the good things, like how brave they both were, but the uncomfortable things as well. I would tell him that his father was a werewolf and that he struggled with that identity. I'd tell him his mother was clumsy and reckless. I didn't like hearing how arrogant my dad could be or how cruel he had been to Snape, but those things made him more real to me, like he was not a god, but a real man.

"But now, Hermione, I'm not sure if I was meant to share this. How can I tell my godson that his mother was not his father's true love? How can I tell him that his father's thoughts after death were not only for him, but for Sirius as well? But if I don't tell him these things, I will always know that I am keeping secrets from Teddy, just as my aunt and uncle kept secret the reason for my parents' death and my scar."

"But you can love more than one person," Hermione said. "People with many children love them all equally. Love is infinite. There's no such thing as loving one person more, just differently.

"I realize that because they are both men may make it difficult to explain, but it may make it easier. Look at it this way: Teddy's mother was the only woman Remus loved."

"That's true," Harry mused. "There's something else: Hermione, have you ever read that werewolves can't have children?"

"Yes, but obviously that research was wrong."

"Well, maybe not. Remus wrote in his letters that he believed that Teddy was conceived with magical, other-worldly intervention – Sirius' intervention. He believed that Teddy was Sirius' child, too."

"It's a nice sentiment, but it's not all that uncommon for children to appear nearly miraculously. Even in the Muggle world women become pregnant after years of trying without success. There's often a scientific explanation, but sometimes there isn't. It's just magical."

"Exactly!" Harry said. He leaned back in his chair. His tea was all gone and Hermione and he sat in silence for a few moments.

"So, what do I do?" He asked her. "I still need your advice."

"You need to tell him" Hermione said with conviction as she handed him back the letter. "What's more, you need to tell everyone. You are not Sirius' Secret Keeper, Harry. Haven't we been ruined enough by the secrets we have kept? If Snape hadn't kept secret his love for your mother, than perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps we would have been more compassionate toward him and seen that kindness returned. Maybe we would have had the chance to thank him for all he did for us.

"If Dumbledore had not kept secret the connection between you and Voldemort, maybe we would never have ended up in the Department of Mysteries and Sirius could have lived to tell you his secrets in person.

"If Sirius and Remus had not been keeping secret the most important thing of all, their deep and unconditional love, then maybe….maybe…" Hermione drifted off, she met Harry's eyes wondering if she had gone too far.

Harry nodded. "Teddy will know. He will not suffer my fate. He needs to know love and passion that existed in the hearts of those who brought him into the world."

"You're making the right choice," Hermione said, reaching across the table to take Harry's hand.

"I know," he said. "I am not the Secret Keeper. Love is its own protection."

_A/N: Thanks everyone for reading this, especially those who came back for the epilogue. If you haven't read the previous chapters for awhile, you may note that I made some slight changes including corrections in facts, spelling, grammar, and added some additional descriptions (if you can guess my meaning.) I hope you enjoyed reading this and my other story __The Prisoner of Memory.__ A new story, __A Goblet of Blood__ should be up soon. – SomethingBorrowed._


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